Bjcorbin's Blog

As she stared at the shelf full of reference books behind his desk, it occurred to her how worthless all that education had been; after all, she’d been coming here for months and he seemed unable to help her. Maybe it wasn’t his fault, maybe it was the “science” of psychology or maybe she was just beyond help. Whatever the problem was, she found herself with no desire to go through this exercise again. The only reason she’d come was because it was what everyone expected her to do and if she hadn’t, they might think that she didn’t really want to get better; but if she was honest about it, she’d long since given up on the idea of “getting better,” she just didn’t want to hurt anymore.

“So how are you doing today, Kathy?”

“Same as always, Doc.”

“How is that?”

“Come on, Doc, do we really need to go over it again?”

“I think it helps to talk about it.”

“Who does it help? Certainly not me. It helps you, because after all, if I don’t talk you don’t get paid.”

“So we’re feeling frustrated today?”

“Very good, Doc, you’ve already zeroed in on the problem. How ’bout we just refill my Prozac prescription and call it a session?”

“Kathy, I know that you’re frustrated, but how can you get better if we don’t talk about it?”

“The better question is how will I get any better by talking about it? We’ve been talking about it for months and I’m not any better. How is talking about it more going to help?”

“Are you saying that you want to discontinue our sessions?”

Her mind began to reel; she clearly had no interest in continuing these discussions, but if she stopped therapy, what proof would there be that she was really trying to change her life and who would write her prescriptions for anti-depressants? She pictured her husband with that perpetual look of concern on his face and she wondered how much longer he would stick with her; she could hear her mother’s voice saying, “I just don’t know if it’s safe for Kathy to be alone with the children anymore,” and of course she thought of her two beautiful kids. Thoughts of her children were about the only thing that seemed to be able to cut through the chronic ache of her soul, but even those moments of warmth were cut short by the fear that if she didn’t improve, they would eventually be taken from her. She couldn’t think of any good answer to the doctor’s question, so she decided to stall.

“You know what I really need, Doc, is a smoke break.”

“Alright, Kathy, you go ahead and take a few minutes, but think about where you what to go from here.”

“Got it, Doc.”

She made her way out of his office and down the hall toward the elevators. She could feel her hands shake, as though she had over-caffeinated, but she knew that wasn’t it. As the anxiety began to overtake her, she could feel her legs grow weak. Instead of getting on the elevator to go to the smoking area, she made her way to a chair in the little waiting area at the end of the hall. She collapsed into the chair and tried to calm herself; leaning her head back against the wall and taking deep breaths. After several minutes, the turmoil that seemed to be rising up from the pit of her stomach gave way to a pounding in her head. While she was grateful that her heart was no longer racing, the dull pain in the back of her head seemed to be growing and moving in behind her eyes. This is how her life had been for as long as she could remember— a series of aches and pains and fears. There had been moments of joy and even hope, but they never seemed to last. She was just so tired of fighting it and she had the sensation that she was falling backwards. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore”, she whispered beneath her breath. At that instant, a loud voice boomed in her ears, “There’s more that can be done for you.” She recoiled at the sound and was startled to find a man standing directly in front of her. He was a clean cut, good looking man with dark hair and clear gray eyes, whom she guessed to be in his twenties. His posture and expression seemed non-threatening, but the shock of the moment caused her head to throb and her eyes struggled to focus.

“Excuse me, were you talking to me?”

“Yes, I’m sorry to have startled you. My name is Luke and I work here in the building”

“Oh, well, okay—what is it that you said?”

“I was just saying that there are other treatments available for people like you.”

“What exactly do you mean by “people like me?”

“Well you’re Dr. Smith’s patient, right?”

“Well yes, but how do you know that?”

“Like I said, I work here.”

“Are you a doctor?”

“No, I’m more of an administrative type, but if you’re seeing Dr. Smith, then I know that your current treatment consists of counseling, because that’s all that he does”

“Well, I thought that was all anyone did in this place.”

“Oh no, there is much more that happens in this building.”

“Really, like what?”

“There are all sorts of treatments that go on, many of them are so cutting edge that they are still considered experimental, but no one who has been willing to go through these advanced treatments has ever walked away disappointed.”

“Really, why haven’t I ever heard of this before?”

“You know how doctors are—they don’t want to admit that they don’t have the answer for you. Dr. Smith is a fine psychologist, but has he really helped you?”

“Well no, but that might not be his fault, I haven’t exactly been the most cooperative patient.”

“But you’re still hurting right?”

“Well, yeah, I am.”

“So you need something more advanced to deal with your pain?”

She took a deep breath and for a moment considered her life. There wasn’t any part of it that seemed to be functioning well, and the sharp pain in her head seemed to epitomize her condition. She let out a loud sigh as she said, “Yes, I do.”

“Then why not give it a try?” Luke suggested.

She sat staring at him, with a confused look on her face. She wondered who this man was and why he even cared, she wondered if Dr. Smith was expecting her back by now, and she considered what her husband might think of her talking to this young, good looking man. Waves of confusion washed over her as she considered what to do next and then she suddenly shifted in her seat.

“I need to call my husband,” she said, as she fumbled through her purse for her cell phone.

“Why?” demanded Luke, in a voice that seemed to be shaded with agitation.

“Because I don’t know whether our insurance would cover something like that, and he would know” Kathy responded; pulling the phone from her bag.

“Well cell phones don’t normally get much reception in this building and besides, you don’t need insurance,” Luke shot back, almost defensively.

Again, confusion washed over her. She could see that her cell phone was getting perfect reception, but if she didn’t need to know about the insurance there really wasn’t any reason to call home. But why wouldn’t she need insurance for this treatment, and wouldn’t she need an appointment, and why was this Luke person so intent on getting her to do this? She felt uneasy as her thoughts swirled and her head continued to pound into the backs of her eyes. She just wanted the pain to stop and no one seemed to know how to help her. Now this stranger comes claiming that there is a way to feel better and that she didn’t need insurance to get it. 

“I don’t understand—I can get this cutting edge treatment and I don’t need insurance?”

“I told you, these treatments are considered experimental, so they need people to be able to prove that they work. You’d be doing them a favor.”

“Is it safe?”

“No one has ever walked away disappointed.”

His words echoed in her head; she’d been disappointed so many times. When she was a little girl she dreamed of being older and escaping the life she had known; but becoming an adult had been painful and disappointing. She then believed that finding someone who’d love her would be the thing to change her life, and while she believed that her husband truly did love her, she was disappointed to find out that it didn’t really change how she felt in the deepest recesses of her heart. She then thought that becoming a mother would be the thing that fulfilled her, and while she’d loved motherhood, the nagging pain of the past did not go away. Everything that she’d tried seemed to offer the promise of relief, but each one ultimately ended in disappointment. As much as her good sense dictated otherwise, the promise of pain relief without disappointment was too much to overcome and she found herself trying to stand up. Luke came alongside of her and helped her up. A wave of nausea rolled over her as she got to her feet and the room seemed to be rolling like a cruise ship in a storm. Her head pounded in objection to her movement, but with Luke’s support, she was able to steady herself.

As they moved toward the elevator, he explained that each floor of the building had a different type of treatment and that each ascending level was equipped to handle a more severe level of pain. Kathy wondered out loud whether anyone had ever made it to the top floor and Luke once again assured her that no one had ever walked away from the top floor disappointed. Each time she heard him say it, a flicker of hope would spark within her. As they stepped into the elevator Luke suddenly produced a clipboard with a stack of papers.

“What is this?”

“Oh, just some paperwork.”

“What kind of paperwork?”

“Just some releases.”

“Releases?”

“Yeah, just legal stuff like the fact that you understand that the treatment is experimental, you won’t sue them if it doesn’t work… stuff like that.”

“Why are there so many pages?”

“You know how legal forms are; trust me, you won’t be disappointed.”

It occurred to her to object, but it felt like there was a knife in the back of her head and the idea that she would have to continue on in this pain was more than she could bear. Luke pointed to the signature line on each form, and through bleary eyes, Kathy signed. As she signed the last form, the elevator doors opened and they stepped out.

Luke explained that this floor had something that they called “Affirmation Therapy,” which he described as an advanced form of counseling. He could see from the expression on Kathy’s face that she wasn’t very enthusiastic about more counseling, but he assured her that this would be different from any of the sessions she’d previously had. He introduced her to a small Asian woman who would be taking the lead in her treatment, and Kathy soon disappeared with this woman into one of the therapy rooms. A couple of hours later, Kathy met Luke back at the elevator. She seemed to be a little more clear eyed and in better spirits.

“So what did you think?” Luke asked.

“It was amazing; I’ve never experienced anything like it. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m not the problem.”

“That’s great; I thought this treatment might really help you.”

“Yeah, every other counseling session I’ve ever had was about what is wrong with me, but these guys didn’t assume that I was the problem. After talking for awhile, they helped me see that my parents really did a number on me, that my husband has really never met my needs, and that even my kids have taken advantage of me. They said that with all that I’ve been through, it was a miracle I was able to function at all.”

“Wow, that’s great. So did they give you any guidance on what to do about all these dysfunctional relationships in your life?”

“Yes, they told me that I just needed to get away from all these people who were dragging me down.”

“Even your husband and your kids?”

“Especially them!”

At that moment, the doors of the elevator opened and they stepped in. Luke asked if she felt ready go home, or whether she felt like she needed some more treatment, and Kathy explained that even though the Affirmation Therapy had really helped, she still wasn’t feeling the way she wanted to; so Luke pushed the button and the elevator began to rise to the next floor. Luke stepped behind her and began to rub her shoulders. At first, she instinctively tensed up, but as she slowly exhaled she gave in to the prompting of his hands. Her husband wasn’t one to give back rubs and it felt great. It crossed her mind that it might be inappropriate for a man she barely knew to be touching her this way, but she consoled herself with the fresh understanding that her husband had never really been able to meet her needs. Her inhibitions began to dissolve as Luke skillfully maneuvered his hands across her back, shoulders and neck. She began to feel a deep stirring that she hadn’t felt in a long time. Just as she began to sense that this impromptu massage might lead to something more substantial, the doors of the elevator opened. Luke gently guided her down the corridor with his hand on her shoulder until they came to the “Psychosensitivity Lab.” After meeting the Head Lab Technician, Kathy was soon on her way for testing. As on the previous floor, the process took a couple of hours and she once again emerged looking brighter and more energetic than she went in.

“Well, someone looks like they’re feeling better.”

“You know, it’s amazing that I’ve never heard of any of this stuff. I’ve been going around in circles for years and no one ever mentioned Psychosensitivities before. This explained so much—no wonder I could never get any better!”

Luke smiled and said, “It just makes sense, just like our bodies are allergic to certain things, so are our emotions. People who don’t have that particular psychological sensitivity don’t understand it, and they want to tell you that there is something that you need to do about it, but just like with regular allergies, we just need to take our medicine.”

“Yeah and look at all the free medicine they gave me!”

“Wow, that’s quite a bag of pills.”

“Yeah, I tested positive for just about every type of sensitivity that they had a test for. What’s great is that I don’t have to worry about being on painkillers or anti-depressants anymore, because all that I need is this (psycho) allergy medicine.”

“That is great; so are you feeling pretty pain-free?”

“Well, those pills are pretty awesome and I’m feeling pretty good right now, but maybe I ought to see what’s on some of the other floors too.”

“Well, we certainly don’t want any unsatisfied customers, so let’s go see what awaits us upstairs.”

With that, Luke put his arm around Kathy’s shoulders and walked her to the elevator. As the elevator doors shut, Kathy looked into Luke’s eyes and said, “I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me.”

Luke drew close to her and seductively whispered, “the pleasure is all mine.” He took her in his arms and began to kiss her passionately on the lips; her head spun as their bodies came together and despite a momentary flicker of her conscience, the flames of her excitement roared past it. Just as she thrust herself into his kiss, the doors to the elevator opened. She quickly stumbled backwards, conscious of the potential for on-lookers.

Luke seemed amused at her concern and said, “you don’t have to worry, they all know me here.” Taking her by the hand, he led her down the corridor. Her legs felt weak, as little aftershocks from their kiss moved through her. She was now stirred in a way that she had never experienced and was ready to skip this floor to get back on the elevator with Luke. He continued to pull her down the hall, seemingly unaffected by their liaison.

When they reached the counter, there were three young men standing side by side and next to a door. They appeared to be body builders, each wearing a nylon muscle shirt and nylon shorts, and the sign on the door said “Physical Therapy.”

Kathy looked at the men and then at Luke. “Is this what I think it is?” she asked.

“Let’s just say that you won’t be disappointed,” Luke retorted slyly. Once again there was a flicker in Kathy’s conscience, but again, the flames of her excitement overcame it. As she passed through the door with the three young men, she looked back at Luke. He smiled and said, “see you in a few hours,” just as the door closed behind her.

When Kathy emerged from the Physical Therapy room almost four hours later, she was physically exhausted. Her body ached and shook as she tried to walk and she realized that she hadn’t eaten in several hours. She tried to steady herself by holding on to Luke’s shoulder, but he pulled away from her when she touched him.

“Are we feeling better now?” he snarled, as he began walking toward the elevator. She stumbled along behind him in an effort to keep up, but her head was once again pounding against the back of her eyes.

“Are you mad at me?” she gasped.

“Why would I be mad at you?” he hissed back.

“Well you’re the one who sent me in there,” she shot back.

Luke spun around and glared at her, “Oh no, I didn’t send you in, you went under your own power,” he said.

Confusion once again began to swamp Kathy’s mind, “I thought it was what you wanted,” she offered weakly.

“No honey, it was what you wanted!” he boomed.

Tears began to stream down her face as feelings of rejection and shame began to overtake her. She staggered onto the elevator and steadied herself against the wall, as Luke drew his face very close to hers.

“So you must be all better, now. Surely there is no way that you could be disappointed after all of that, could you?” he rasped.

She began to sob, “Please don’t be mad at me—I just wanted to feel better. Please don’t send me away now… please, there’s got to be some way to make this pain go away!”

Luke spun away from her and pushed the elevator button. Without looking at her he said, “Well heaven forbid that you should feel any pain, so let’s go right to the top.” Turning back to her he said, “Because after all, no one has ever walked away from this treatment disappointed.”

There was a moment of uneasy silence before the doors of the elevator slide open and warm, humid air flooded the car. Luke stepped out of the car, but Kathy’s eyes strained to focus. She wasn’t sure what to expect on the top floor, but it certainly wasn’t stepping out onto the rooftop. Her feet shuffled along the graveled surface as she tried to get close enough to Luke to have a conversation.

“What is this?” she stammered.

“It’s the roof,” he answered incredulously.

“But what kind of treatment do they do here?” she asked.

“They don’t do any treatment here, baby,” he said with a smirk.

“But you said that no one was ever been disappointed after coming to the top floor,” she said.

“Wrong again baby; what I said was that no one has ever walked away disappointed before.”

A wave of panic washed over her as she realized that the elevator doors had closed behind her and that there appeared to be no other way off the roof. Every part of her body seemed to be trembling as she began to move away from Luke.

“So you’re going to throw me off the roof?” she gasped

Luke laughed loudly and in an amused tone said, “No, no, I’m not going to throw you off the roof.”

Then, after a brief pause, he turned to her and in a much more serious tone said, “You’re gonna jump!”

His words stunned her and she said, “You think I’m going to jump off the roof under my own power?!”

“Sure,” he said calmly.

“Why would I do that?” she asked.

“Because you can’t stand the pain anymore and this is the only option that you have left,” he said.

“But I have a family who needs me—I have kids to raise,” she pleaded.

“Are you kidding me? Do you really think that they need you? What have you ever done for them? Everyone spends their energy worrying about you. Heck even your kids are more worried about you than you are about them. All you ever do is whine about how much it hurts—it would be a relief to them if you were gone.”

Tears again began to stream down Kathy’s face as she weakly contested, “My family loves me.”

“Sure they do honey, but what will they think when they see all those papers you signed, which give me legal access to your kids, or how about when they see the video tape of you talking about how they were never there for you and what selfish brats your kids are; or how about the video of you and I in the elevator, or even better, you and your three little friends doing ‘physical therapy?’ Face it, babe, you showed your true colors today and once they see how you really are, they won’t want anything to do with you.”

Horror gripped her at the idea that anyone would know the things she’d done and said that day, and she cried out to Luke, “Why are you doing this to me?”

Again, Luke laughed loudly, “I’m not doing anything to you. You did this to yourself. All I did was try to help you, the rest is on you, baby.”

Kathy was now crying hysterically. She knew that Luke was right, he hadn’t forced her into anything and now there was no going back.  Luke sensed her resignation and began to speak more compassionately, “Come on, baby, you don’t have to go on like this. Aren’t you tired of hurting? Come on baby, just say it with me – I just don’t want to hurt anymore, I just don’t want to hurt anymore…”

Kathy knew that she had no more strength to fight and she found herself joining in the chant, “I just don’t want to hurt anymore, I just don’t want to hurt anymore…” as she dragged her aching body toward the edge of the roof. She could feel the weight of all the years on her shoulders and it seemed to be pressing the air right out of her lungs. At the edge of the roof, she leaned against the small retaining wall that lined its perimeter. As she hung her head, she stared at the sidewalk several stories below her and the reality of what was about to happen gripped her. Luke’s chant, “I just don’t want to hurt anymore, I just don’t want to hurt anymore…” continued to ring in her ears, as she slid on top of the wall. She laid on her back, feeling as though she lacked the strength to move, and when she closed her eyes, she could see her children, with their arms extended toward her. They were crying, “Mommy! Mommy! Don’t go!” She again began to sob and she cried out in a loud voice, “God help me! God help me please!”

Instantly she heard the bell of the elevator ring, as the doors came sliding open. Two well dressed men stepped out of the elevator and moved directly toward Luke. Though he struggled, they soon had him handcuffed and were moving him toward the elevator. It didn’t appear as though they had even noticed her and so she cried out to them, “What about me?” One of the officers stopped and came back to her while the other continued to remove Luke from the roof. 

“What about you, Ma’am?” the officer asked.

“Didn’t you come to help me?” she asked.

“Yes, we did, and now we have,” he replied.

“So all you will do is take away my tormentor?” she queried.

“That is all we are authorized to do, Ma’am.”

“But don’t you see that I am still in peril?” she continued.

“Yes, Ma’am, but this peril is now a function of your own will and I’m not authorized to intervene in such matters.”

“Did God send you?” she asked.

“Yes, Ma’am, He did and He gave me a message for you. He said, ‘This day I have set before you life and death,’ and He encourages you to choose life.”

“I want to live, but I just don’t want anymore pain,” she cried.

“Ma’am I cannot tell you what to do, but I will say that a life that has no pain has no love; and a life without love is no life at all.”

“But wouldn’t death at least be an end to my suffering?” she asked.

“Again, ma’am, I’m not authorized to advise you in any way; but I will tell you that there is a suffering that is far beyond anything you have ever known and that what may appear to be a way of escape from this life is likely to be an entryway into the next.”

“But what happens if I choose life today and then find myself again filled with sorrow?”

“Ma’am, choosing life is something that you have to do every day. Anyone who doesn’t choose life eventually winds up right where you are now.”

The officer looked into her face compassionately, then turned and disappearing into the elevator.

Kathy lay quietly on the ledge for several minutes, trying to gather the strength to get up. She knew she wasn’t ready to die, but she wasn’t convinced that she had the strength to live either. Her body ached and as she began to get up, she felt lightheaded and dizzy. As she reached out her hand to steady herself on the ledge, it slipped off the side, causing her weight to shift backwards. Though she frantically grabbed for the ledge, she couldn’t get a grip as her body rolled off the wall and began to free fall toward the sidewalk below. She swung wildly at the air, but there was nothing to grab hold of; she tried to scream, but couldn’t seem to draw any air from her lungs. Amidst the sheer terror of falling to her certain death, she once again saw a picture of her children and mouthed the word “life.” A sudden and violent shudder resonated through her body, and everything became completely still.

After what seemed like a very long moment of silence, a familiar voice rang out and as she slowly opened her eyes, she was startled to see Luke standing directly in front of her. As her eyes began to focus, she realized that she was not sprawled on the sidewalk as she’d expected, but instead was sitting in the chair at the end of the hallway that leads to Dr. Smith’s office. As she pulled her head from against the wall, she felt the familiar throb behind her eyes. As her head began to clear, she looked at Luke and said, “I’m sorry, did you say something to me?”

Luke smiled warmly and said, “It looked like you might be having a bad dream and I wondered if you needed any help?”

“I’m okay,” Kathy stammered.

“Are you sure? I’m pretty well connected in this building and you might be surprised by some of the treatments that are available,” he said with a smile.

“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m going to be fine,” Kathy replied.

“Well, okay, but if you change your mind, let me know. I’m always around,” Luke said slyly, as he stepped onto the elevator.

The doors closed behind him and he was gone.

This story is a parable of sorts, about both the devices of the enemy and the power of our own mind, will and emotions.  The Bible tells us that Satan’s motivation is to steal, kill and destroy, so it follows that if he had the power to accomplish all of that, he would.  Fortunately he does not have the power to destroy us without our own cooperation.  The scripture tells us that he often comes disguised as an “angel of light”, which is a deception that would not be necessary if he had the strength to over power us on his own.  Unfortunately, we do not always recognize that we are cooperating with him until after we’ve given him a great amount of authority to work in our lives.  Such is the plight of “Kathy” in the story; but even after unwittingly giving herself over to the will of the enemy, he does not have the power to push her over the edge.  The choice to jump remains a function of her own will, as does the choice to get off the ledge after the enemy has been bound.  If the enemy can accurately be accused of working in our lives, we must also acknowledge ourselves amongst his accomplices.  We live in a culture where we’ve been conditioned not to tolerate anything that is uncomfortable, inconvenient or painful, which gives the enemy a large array of tools to work with (e.g. The scripture says that they that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, while the culture encourages us to believe that we shouldn’t have to wait for anything).  Once Kathy got focused on her pain, Luke had everything he needed to get her to the edge of the roof and the very things he had encouraged her to do along the way were the things he used to accuse and shame her when they got there.

 

The story intentionally begins and ends abruptly in order to give the effect of having a dream or a vision.  It is also intentional that there is no happily ever after at the end.  As the picture fades, Kathy has simply made a decision and while that decision has immediate spiritual implications, it does not necessarily resolve her issues or even ease her pain.  It is a very profound and necessary first step on the journey toward healing and wholeness.  There is a world of difference between the desire to be without pain and the willingness to walk through the process of healing; in fact an unwillingness to endure pain will most often preclude us from returning to a state of wellness.  In the final analysis the enemy of our souls does not have the ability to create things within us, he simply exploits what is inherently present; which means that our mind, will and emotions are a critical element of his plan.  I believe that this is why “self control” is listed amongst the fruit of a life guided by the Holy Spirit and why it is vital that we as children of the Living God need to take every thought captive and put all things in subjection to Christ Jesus.  Apart from Him we can do “nothing”, but through Him “all things” are possible.  Amen.