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Clarifying Love

Posted in Word Pictures, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2025| Leave a Comment »

(Another older writing)

Given the scriptures exhortations about the importance of love, it is critical for Christ’s followers to understand what that word means to Him.   To that end, the Lord gave me a series of visions that helped to clarify the relationship that He desires to have.  Hopefully, they will bring some clarity for others as well.

(Gratitude)

As I pondered what it means to truly love the Lord, He gave me a vision of standing at the front door of my old house, looking out the screen door.  Across the street was an apartment complex, which had a bus stop directly in front of it.  The road between was not zoned for a residential area, and so the cars normally came through at a very high rate of speed. 

In the vision I looked across the street to the bus stop and saw what appeared to be a young mother, with a child (approximately 3 yrs old) busily exploring the ground around her feet.  As I watched, the mother received a cell phone call, which took her attention off of the child, who immediately began to wander onto the roadway.  Knowing how the traffic moved through this area, I was alarmed and ran out the door.  At the edge of the road I could see that my fears were warranted, as a car was rapidly closing in on the child.  

Instinctively I ran toward him, violently grabbing him under his arms and diving toward the edge of the road; just as the screeching tires of the car passed by us.  We hit the ground hard, before rolling to a stop on the grass.  There was what seemed to be a frozen moment of silence, as the shock of what just happened washed over us; but that silence was quickly shattered by the fearful screams of the child and the loud cries of his mother. 

As I scrambled to ensure that the boy was OK, his hysterical mother ran to us; as did the driver of the now stopped car.  Upon seeing that the boy wasn’t seriously hurt, I lifted him into his mother’s arms, as she managed to repeat thank you, thank you, thank you, through her sobs.  As I looked into the faces of the mother, her child and the panic stricken driver, the vision ended and the Lord began to speak.

“Do you think that they are grateful?” He said

“Absolutely”, I replied

“If I asked them if they loved you, what do you think that they’d say?” He continued

“In this moment I would suppose that they may say that they did”, I replied

“Do you believe that they love you?” He asked

“I think that they love what I did, but they really don’t know me, so I don’t see how they could honesty love me”, I said.

“This is how many of the people who say that they love Me are; they are grateful for what I’ve done for them, but they don’t really know me at all”

From this exchange with the Lord, I derived that while we should be grateful for His sacrifice on the cross, we cannot mistake that gratitude for the loving relationship that He’s called us to.

(Explicit Love)

As I pondered how I might bless the Lord’s heart, He gave me a vision of a man (in his mid to late forties) walking through his house and buttoning his shirt.  The house was dark and after a couple seconds I realized it was before dawn and that he was getting ready for work.  As he passed by his children’s bedrooms, he paused to check on them as they slept and then he quietly slipped out the door. 

I then saw him at work on a construction site, where he appeared to be the Foreman or maybe a Construction Engineer.  He was working hard and providing direction to several different people; I could see from their response that they respected him and what he was telling them. 

The scene then shifted back to his home, as he came in the kitchen to drop off his lunch bucket and checked the “Honey Do List” on the refrigerator.  I then saw him outside his house, working on a ladder, apparently repairing something near the rain gutters.  The house and the yard looked immaculate, as if a lot of care had been expended on them. 

The scene once again shifted and he was now sitting down with his family for dinner.  I watched as they bowed their heads and blessed the food.  After dinner, I saw the man hard at work on his computer, as his children came to say goodnight to him.  While he acknowledged the children briefly; he seemed immersed in his work.  It appeared to be very late when his wife came by to say goodnight as well.  Sometime later, he walked back through the darkened house, put on his night clothes and slipped into bed.  As he lay in bed, the Lord began to speak.

“What do you think of this man?” He asked

“He seems to be a very good man to me Lord”, I replied

“Do you think that he loves his family?” He continued

“Oh yes”, I said

“What makes you think so?” He asked

“Because he seems to work hard, they have a beautiful home and he seems to take good care of them”, I said

“Do they feel loved?” He asked

“I would think so”, I replied

“Look closer”, He said

As I moved around his bed, I could see his wife’s face; and to my surprise she wasn’t asleep.  As I came closer, I could see that there were tears in her eyes.  As I moved down the hall and looked at the faces of the children, they too were awake and also had tears in their eyes.

“I don’t understand Lord, why are they so sad?” I asked

“Because they love this man”, He replied

“But he clearly loves them, don’t they understand?” I asked

“He wants them to understand that he loves them because of all that he is doing for them, but they would all be willing to sacrifice some of these comforts if it meant that they could have more time with him”, the Lord said,  “You see this is how many of My children are with Me; they want Me to derive the fact that they love Me by all of the things that they do for Me; but I’d be much more pleased just to spend time with them”.

From this I concluded that while our actions should reflect our love of the Lord, we must be careful that our love for Him doesn’t become implied (i.e. implicit), as opposed to being expressed (i.e. explicit).  I felt like the Lord said that if a faith that never acts is dead; what is the value of a love that is never truly expressed?

(The Desires of Our Heart)

As I pondered what it means to be passionate for the Lord, he gave me the following vision. 

As she stepped out of the hotel lobby and onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk, she could sense the electricity in the air.  The boulevards were jammed with people and cars, not unlike the streets that she’d grown up with in Calcutta (or Kolkata as it is known in India).  But to her the atmosphere was totally different.  Despite the affluent appearance of her hometown, she viewed it as a monument to a bygone era; an oasis of civility in a largely third world culture. 

New York City seemed different to her; modern and progressive.  America was not some third world country; it was the nation of the great middle class, where average people expected the next generation to progress beyond the current one. 

As she walked along the crowded avenue the possibilities seemed endless, as exotic smells filled her nostrils, unfamiliar sounds rang in her ears, and inviting scenes seemed to unfold at every turn.  She found it intoxicating, as she spent hours strolling through shops, galleries and plazas; simply taking in the ambience of the city. 

Every once in a while, a wave of sadness would wash over her as she remembered that the Travel Visa, which allowed her to be in this country, would soon expire; and that she would have to return home.  This trip had been a graduation gift from her parents, and she was due to start Medical School in a few weeks.  But this is where she wanted to be, and the thought of going back was excruciating to her.  She quickly pushed these thoughts and feelings aside, as to not waste the precious time that remained.

As she passed through the doorway of the exclusive restaurant, she saw Michael waiting for her.  When he saw her, his face broke into a broad smile.  Failing to conceal his excitement, he quickly made his way to her.  He helped her with her coat and they were soon seated at a little table by the window, which overlooked Times Square.  She had met Michael a few days after arriving in New York, and he had persistently pursued spending time with her ever since.  He was a successful business man, in his mid-thirties, and he seemed very eager for them to cultivate a relationship. 

While she had every reason to be attracted to Michael, his earnest manner made her somewhat uncomfortable.  She loved the places that he’d taken her, and enjoyed the attention that he lavished upon her, but she couldn’t seem to get herself excited about the relationship that he seemed to long for.  As they waited to order their food, Michael stared at her intently; totally enthralled by her dark eyes and almond colored skin.  Yet, she seemed oblivious, as she stared out the window, apparently mesmerized by the bustle of the cityscape. 

After their food was ordered, Michael’s face grew serious.  He told her that he understood that her time in America would soon be over, and of how sad he was at the thought that they might never see each other again.  Though his grief seemed to rest more on the latter thought, hers rested firmly on the former.  His face brightened some as he explained that it didn’t need to be that way.  Reaching into his pocket, Michael produced a small felt covered box, pushing it across the table to her.  A wave of trepidation swept over her as she realized what was happening. 

His face was glowing with love as he said, “You could stay here and be my Bride”?

Her head spun at the sound of his words.  She knew that her feelings for him were not nearly as strong as his were for her.  Truthfully, she didn’t really know him very well; though she had to admit to herself that her desire to know him better wasn’t that strong.  On the other hand, agreeing to this proposal would mean that she could remain in this place, which she’d come to view as a sort of paradise.  The thought of returning to the oppressive atmosphere of her homeland was overwhelming to her.  The thought of becoming a naturalized citizen in this country was like a dream come true.  This was her chance for the life that she yearned for; how could she even consider saying no. 

As she opened the felt box, she saw the spectacular diamond ring that he’d picked out for her.  He pulled the ring from the holder and taking her hand, he gently slipped it onto her finger.  It fit perfectly and flashes of light erupted from it with every movement; she found herself captivated by it. 

“Do you like it?” he asked. 

“Oh yes!” she replied, without looking at him. 

When she was finally able to pull her eyes from the ring, she looked into Michael’s face.  She could see that he was stricken in anticipation of her answer. 

She finally whispered, “How could I say no?”

Michael made no attempt to conceal his delight, and people from other tables began to look at them.  She was embarrassed, but he was unashamed to share his joyful report with anyone who would listen.  As Michael ordered Champagne for everyone in the restaurant, and continued in excited conversation with those around him, she stared out the window at her new home, and smiled.

At the end of the vision I felt like the Lord said, “This is a picture of my Bride.  She yearns to live in my Kingdom, she yearns for the things that this marriage will afford her, she yearns for the treasures of my store houses, but she doesn’t necessarily yearn for Me.” 

While the Lord intends for His Kingdom to be inviting and to be lavish with His children, I believe His heart yearns for a Bride who will love Him for who He is.  I pray that we would become such a Bride.

The eyes of the Lord range (i.e. run to and fro) throughout the earth, to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him (2 Chronicles 16:9)

From the book, “Along the King’s Highway” by Bryan J. Corbin

Published in 2008 (ISBN 978-1-4363-6965-7)

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The Institution of Marriage

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2024| Leave a Comment »

I was raised to believe that marriage is a “sacred institution”, and like so many of the ideas I grew up with, I never really questioned it.  Even now, the concept still sounds reasonable to my ears.  But in our years of trying to represent God’s heart to hurting people, the Lord has opened the eyes of my understanding in terms of what truly matters to Him. 

I will warn you that I’ve never heard anything like this preached anywhere, and as with everything I share, I encourage you to test it by the Holy Spirit (which is significantly different than pondering how it might make you feel).

I should also preface this article with the fact that I have been divorced.  For some that will taint my perspective, and for others it might lend some weight to it.  I mention this because I have personally wrestled to understand God’s perspective on such things.  I was raised to believe that marriage was forever, and that was always my plan.  But when my first marriage was derailed (after 12 years) by infidelity, I found myself in a category that I never wanted to be in. 

Despite this painful betrayal, I worked for over a year to keep the door open for reconciliation, even when my Christian friends pointed out that I had biblical grounds to end the marriage (Matt.19:9).  When it was obvious that the relationship could not be mended, I still found myself wrestling with the notion of the “sin of divorce”, and the Lord said, “the sin occurred when you chose to build a life without me, and the divorce is simply the natural consequence of that.”

God’s design for marriage is that two people, who are equally yoked (i.e. on the same path, headed to the same destination, near the same point in the journey…) would join their lives together, and that the new entity formed by their union would be a conduit for new life to flow to and from them.  His intent is to create something greater than the sum of its parts, and that on this foundation He can build families, communities, and ultimately nations. 

The impact of a marriage done God’s way can be felt throughout the generations.  Unfortunately, the damage and destruction done by unions that don’t live up to this standard also resonate well beyond the failed relationship itself.  This potential was at the root of God’s prohibition of intermarrying with pagan tribes.

At the center of a marriage is the covenantal promise, and there is no question that such vows are sacred to God.  Entering into any sort of covenantal relationship is a very serious matter, and a step that should not be undertaken without the Lord’s guidance.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture where almost nothing is sacred, and relationships are frequently treated as a disposable commodity. 

Given the widely held notion that the truth is relative, one only needs to conjure a “new truth” in order to void the terms of their oath.  With the simple matter of letting our “yes be yes”, and our “no be no” (Matt.5:37), already in question, every relationship can hang precariously from a weak-willed vow. 

I would suggest that this common flaw in our collective character is viewed as sinful by a holy God, even before we actually break our promises.  It is evidence of our failure to fully surrender to Him and to His purposes.

The conundrum before us is how to respond in the face of such failures, and it was in the process of attempting to provide wise counsel to those with marital difficulties that the Lord began to change my view of such things.  Given the (previously mentioned) frivolous approach towards relationships, it is easy to understand the temptation for ministers of the Lord to double down on the serious nature of divorce.  Indeed, God does hate divorce (Mal.2:16), but have we ever stopped to ponder why that is?

In our years of ministering we’ve frequently encountered folks (most often women) who find themselves in the midst of a destructive relationship.  In many of those instances there was sustained emotional, mental and physical abuse occurring, with children often trapped within the crossfire.  Sadly, the consistent counsel that these individuals received from Christian sources (i.e. counselors, pastors, church leaders…) was that God hates divorce, and He expects you to endure whatever it takes to remain in the marriage.  Implicitly, this indicates that the “Institution of Marriage” is so sacred to God that He expects individuals to suffer whatever abuse is necessary to preserve it.

As I prayed for and about these situations the Lord confronted the notion of the “Institution of Marriage”.  He said that institutions are things that man creates, and that they are not sacred to Him.  He showed me that the sacred element of a marriage is the people involved within it, and He posed the question, “Was man created for marriage, or was marriage created for man?”  This of course mirrors Jesus’ challenge to the Pharisee’s about healing on the Sabbath (Mark 2:27), which was His way of telling them that they were not reflecting God’s heart in their attempt to be guardians of His law.  From this, I inferred that we were similarly missing the mark.

At the point that a marriage has become a conduit for manipulation, abuse, and destruction, it has completely perverted God’s design and desire.  And when a spouse no longer honors their vow to love, serve and protect, the covenant promise is already shattered (regardless of their legal marital status). 

God’s hatred for divorce isn’t rooted in the damage it does to the “Institution of Marriage”, it is in the destruction it does to the people involved.  And if that is so, then God also “hates” the marriage that falls into this condition.  The concept that He is somehow served by continuing on with such a facade is highly questionable.  In fact, Jesus said that a house divided against itself cannot stand (Mark 3:25).

To be sure, if two people were able to completely submit to the Lord’s authority, and to obey the things He told them, there is no relationship that He couldn’t heal.  Of course, two people who were willing and able to do such a thing wouldn’t likely find themselves in such a dilemma.  But if one or both choose to exercise their own will, God will not force them to stay together. 

Certainly, their divorce would be sinful, but so would continuing on in this divided state.  The decision to do so only perpetuates the damage, and allows it to spread like cancer throughout those involved (i.e. the children, the in-laws, friends…) and to pass down through the generations.  Indeed, children should be the natural byproduct of a healthy loving relationship, which sets the stage for them to prosper.  But children born into dysfunctional relationships become victims of the chaotic environment in which they are raised.

I once knew a man, who left his wife and children to live with his mistress.  He continued to pay the bills, but abandoned his family physically and emotionally.  Though this went on for a number of years, the man never divorced his wife.  Eventually, she became ill, and their children cared for her until her death.  After her passing, the man married the mistress. 

While this man may have been able to console himself that he wasn’t guilty of the sin of divorce, I can assure you that God was not fooled nor impressed.  If looking at a woman lustfully amounts to committing adultery in your heart (Matt.5:28), how would this evasive maneuver be accounted by God.  The damage done by this man can still be clearly seen in both his children, and grandchildren, as they all consistently struggle to sustain healthy relationships.

Such is the byproduct of counseling folks that divorce is never an option.  By sending a spouse back into a destructive, or even abusive situation, the marriage becomes an instrument of annihilation.  If maintaining the union means that neither the spouses nor their children ever become who they were created to be, God is neither served nor glorified.  Though we know that what God has joined together no man should separate (Matt.19:6), what happens when we join ourselves together (as I did in my first marriage) without His input or guidance?

Part of God’s redemptive nature is that He will allow diseased things to be destroyed so that they can be replaced with new life.  He cuts off unhealthy branches (John 15:2), he curses unfruitful trees (Matt.21:19), and when we build our house on the wrong foundation, He allows storms to wash it away (Matt.7:26-27).  He goes so far as to say that if our eye causes us to sin, we would be better off to gouge it out than to continue on in our sinful state (Matt.5:29). 

This is significant, because it was God Himself that gave us two eyes, both as a gift and a provision, yet He’s saying that if this gift becomes perverted, it is better that we lose it.  I would suggest that this could apply to the gift of marriage as well. 

I am not in any way trying to diminish the seriousness of divorce, or the sacred nature of marriage vows.  But I am challenging the presumption that it is always God’s will to preserve a marriage, regardless of what it might cost or where it might lead.

Most certainly God hates divorce, but He also hates haughty eyes, a lying tongue, false witnesses, and people who stir up conflict within a community (Prov.6:16-19).  To single out divorce, and make it the unforgivable sin is a distortion of His heart.

As with all things, we need to learn how to be led by the Spirit of God in these matters, and to not trot out the same old rote religious responses we grew up with.  Only He knows the truth of men’s hearts (Jer.17:9), only He has the words of life (John 6:68), and only He knows the end from the beginning (Isa.46:10).  We need to be saying what He is saying, and not be saying what He is not saying (John 5:19-20).

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Spectacular Weddings

Posted in Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged , , , , , on June 15, 2023| 1 Comment »

A covenant is a promise.

A wedding is a celebration.

A marriage is a partnership.

Don’t let your wedding be more spectacular than the promise that precedes it

or the marriage that follows it.

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Thoughts on Marriage

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Lists, Parenting / Family, tagged , on March 26, 2014| 3 Comments »

We seem to be in a season where people all around us are contemplating marriage, getting engaged, getting married, and unfortunately, getting divorced. As I’ve been praying for many of these folks, I was reminded of some things I’ve picked up along the way. These particular lists are more than a few years old, but I believe they still ring true today.

 

10 Thoughts for My Future Son and/or Daughter In-Laws

 

As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life.  Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws.  Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members.  After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!

 

  1. This marriage is going to cost you!  I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice.  If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.
  2. I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it.  I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart.  If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.
  3. Get ready to be disappointed.  I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance, and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love, but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that.  There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way, and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage.  I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.
  4. I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer.  In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie.  While I do understand that your life will be your own, and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children.  That does not mean that I will be against you, or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse.  It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.
  5. Remember where the hole was.  There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled.  One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted.  Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.
  6. Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life.  Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage.  The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives.  If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat.  It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.
  7. Honesty is still the best policy.  If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships.  It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation.  Just be honest from the beginning.  That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.
  8. The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have.   If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk.  Relationships work the same way.  Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.
  9. Put all your eggs in one basket.  Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex.  Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children.  Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate.  If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.
  10. God has a destiny for my child.  It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it.  If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.

 

Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted. 

Some things go without saying.  If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.

 

10 Keys To A Better Marriage

The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise.  Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound.  As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic.  I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.

 

  1. Make a covenant with your eyes:  Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same.  Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society.  As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse.  As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way.  In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin. 
  2. We were meant to complete, not compete:  In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve.  I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage.  He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team.  Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided.  As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture.  There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).
  3. Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience:  Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”.  Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do.  If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.
  4. Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist:  In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family.  Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet.  If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve.  In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.
  5. Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law:  While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think.  At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”.  If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be.  As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them.  If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.
  6. Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom:  While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships.  All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear.  Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes.  When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.
  7. Don’t confuse love and bodily functions:  In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world.  In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world.  Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas.  I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”.  As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated.  The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits.  In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling.  If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them.  They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you.  If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you.  In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice.  Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable.  Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect.  My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired.  We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.
  8. Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”:  These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages.  It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too.  In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even a little disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us.  Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs.  While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other.  As Christians we need to seek to live these words out.  If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.
  9. Throw away your scorecard:  The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us.  We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.
  10. Nobody can make you happy:  We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”.  They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life.  God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him.  We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself.  It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.

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