Some would describe love as a powerful emotion, while others might claim that, “love is a choice” and to some degree, there is truth in both of those statements. There are indeed strong emotions that accompany love, though I would submit that the feelings themselves do not constitute its substance. Likewise, there is a conscious decision involved in entrusting our hearts to someone else’s care. Though both of those elements are integral to the overall process, neither fully encapsulate the nature of love itself. Ultimately, love is a relational dynamic that exists between two entities.
In western culture, we tend to gravitate toward the emotional end of the scale. Often times, our concept of love is little more than a volume knob for our affection. If it stirs up positive feelings, we say that we “like” it, but if it stirs up intensely positive emotions, we claim to “love” it. But again, love amounts to more than just the magnitude of our feelings.
Often times the intense desire to be with someone is rooted in something other than love for them. One can certainly be strongly attracted to another, but that would more rightly be characterized as lust. Loneliness, or the fear of being alone can produce extreme emotions, just as hurt and insecurity can, but they rarely produce healthy, loving relationships. More often, they result in unbalanced, emotionally manipulative, or co-dependent dynamics that are ultimately destructive.
One of the byproducts of the sexual revolution is a quid-pro-quo aesthetic, where relationships are largely viewed as vehicles to get what we want out of life. Instead of finding the value in a partner, we look for ways to leverage each other, both emotionally and practically.
We can love what someone brings to our life (e.g. stability, support, security, the feeling of being wanted…), without ever really loving them. In such cases, that person becomes a tool for our pursuit of happiness. Their job is to fulfill whatever role we assign them in our lives, but their value is in the results they produce. If that diminishes, they can be replaced by someone who produces better results. It’s like trading your phone in for a newer model.
Aside from the strong emotions involved, there are the mechanics of the relationship itself. People can have genuine affection for one another, but divergent perspectives, value systems, and/or goals, which can create an almost constant discord. It is said that opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean that they live happily ever after. It is a rare relationship that can sustain that type of relentless conflict, and just because we possess strong feelings for someone doesn’t mean that the relationship can overcome it.
I believe that this is why the scripture admonishes that spouses should be equally yoked. In biblical times, a yoke was a rigid piece of wood. If the oxen weren’t moving at the same pace, the faster one was carrying the entire load. If they were moving in even slightly different directions, they were literally pulling against each other. I would suggest that this passage is saying something more than simply Christians should only marry other Christians.
The Bible gives a very clear definition of what love is, “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.(1Cor.13:4-7)”
If you read those words slowly, and thoughtfully, they can be pretty intimidating. Is this how the people we claim to love would describe our demeanor toward them? For that matter, would any of us claim that these are characteristic of the “love” we profess to have?
To that end, we like to rationalize that the love described in the scripture is really just God’s (agape) love, and that we simply possess some lower form of (Eros or Philo) love. We further like to dissect it into categories like brotherly/sisterly love, and romantic love; and then blur the lines even further with statements like, “I love them, but I’m not in love with them…”.
Ultimately, God takes these caveats away with the command to, “love one another as I have loved you (John 13:34)”. The God who is love, specifically tells us what love is to Him, and then lets us know that He expects us to love one another that way. He makes no provision for some lower form of affection or fascination, which is too often characterized by traits like selfishness, vanity, envy, manipulation, scorekeeping and destructiveness; all of which are so directly counter to His definition that they could not be considered a watered-down version of the same.
Considering that the Lord Himself boiled down the whole of the law to the quality of our love (for Him and for each other), and that He said that the way people will be able to distinguish His children was by the love they have for one another, our concept of what “love” is makes a huge difference. Perhaps, our understanding of what love is can be enhanced by considering what it is not:
It’s Not Really Love
It’s not really love
just because I was stirred at the first sight of you
*
and
It’s not really love
simply because I like the way you make me feel
*
and
It’s not really love
just because you fill a void in my existence
*
and
It’s not really love
simply because I appreciate all that you’ve done for me
*
and
It’s not really love
just because I feel drawn to you
*
and
It’s not really love
simply because I like to think of you as mine
*
and
It’s not really love
just because I want what you bring to my life
*
no
It’s not really love
until it stops being about what I think I want or need
*
and
It starts being about who You are
Bjcorbin's Blog 
Getting Personal
Posted in Commentaries, tagged Evangelical, I never knew you, Personal, personal relationship, personally, pursuit, relationship, sacraments, seek my face on November 25, 2024| Leave a Comment »
I grew up in a devoutly Catholic family, and while that upbringing definitely provided a foundation of Christian belief in my life, it also left me with the sense that God was too high and too holy to be approached directly.
In those days, I participated in the sacraments, and trusted that the “Church” knew what they were doing in regards to keeping me in right standing with God. It wasn’t until years later, when I heard some of my evangelical friends asking whether I had a personal relationship with Jesus that I even realized such a thing might exist.
When I eventually decided to read the Bible for myself, I was on the lookout for the scripture that said this “personal relationship” was something God wanted. Here is what I found.
Right off the bat, I ran into the creation story, and particularly the events that took place in the Garden of Eden. Even a Catholic boy knows that story, but for the first time I found myself considering God’s perspective.
I’d always been taught that the garden was essentially paradise, and that God was offering what amounted to an ideal existence. But I wondered what God might have gained from this arrangement, if man had not chosen to go his own way.
After reviewing the passage multiple times, the only benefit He seemed to derive was the ability to walk with them in the cool of the day (Gen.3:8), which caused me to consider that maybe that was all He really wanted.
Despite the disappointment in the garden, God takes another step toward man, as He initiates a covenant with Abraham (Gen.15). And before the end of the first book of the Bible, I came across the story of Jacob wrestling with God, and having his named changed to Israel (Gen.32:28).
Though Jacob was hardly a model character, God seemed impressed by his desire to interact with Him. These encounters seemed to be clear expressions of God’s desire for a tangible relationship with His people.
While the Exodus story was filled with spectacular miracles, I couldn’t help but notice that God seemed to want to personally guide them through the wilderness, as He appears as a cloud by day, a pillar of fire by night (Exo.13:21), and spoke directly to them from Mount Sinai (Exo.19:16-22).
Unfortunately, the Israelites recoiled from that personal communication, instead, asking Moses to act as their intermediary (Exo.20:19).
Later, when the children of Israel clamored for an earthly king (1Sam.8), the Lord lamented that He had wanted to be their king (1Sam.12:12-15).
After reading of David’s escapades with Bathsheba, and Uriah (1Sam.11), it was almost jarring to hear him referred to as a “man after God’s own heart (1Sam.13:14),” and yet, despite his serious transgressions, the Father seemed pleased by David’s relentless pursuit of Him.
It wasn’t lost on me that after Solomon received the gift of wisdom, he began having visions of intimacy (Song of Songs). And I found it interesting that amongst the Lord’s criteria for effective prayer (2Chron.7:14), He listed “seek my face.”
Though we naturally tend to seek God’s hand of protection, provision, and deliverance, seeking His face eludes to the personal nature of the relationship He desires.
A few chapters later, this is reinforced with the understanding that the Lord “goes to and fro about the earth, looking for hearts that are truly His (2Chron.16:9).”
When queried about the “greatest commandment,” Jesus doesn’t speak of obedience, or service, or building the church, He puts it squarely on loving the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and strength (Matt.22). And when His work on the cross was finished, the veil that separated His people from the presence of God was ripped open (Matt.27:51).
Later, the Hebrew writer would explain that the Levitical priesthood would never have led to the type of relationship the Lord desired (Heb.7-10), and in the book of Revelation God’s children are referred to as a kingdom of priests (Rev.1:6).
Paul spoke of how we could now behold Him with unveiled faces (2Cor.3:18), and of how the Lord would one day return for a spotless bride (Eph.5:27).
Over and over again, both in word and deed, the Lord expresses His strong desire to walk closely with His children, and almost as regularly, we see people who call themselves by His name choose their own path (Prov.14:12).
Perhaps the scariest scripture in the gospels occurs when Jesus tells His disciples that not everyone who calls Him Lord will enter the Kingdom of heaven. Not because of their sin, but because of their lack of genuine connection to Him (Matt.7:23).
It is a chilling thought that one who anticipates the words, “well done good and faithful servant (Matt.25:21)” might hear, “away from me, I never knew you (Matt.7:23).”
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