Bjcorbin's Blog

I made one last check through the building before I set the alarm and pulled the back door closed, locking the deadbolt. It seemed much colder than it had just a couple of hours earlier, when I had decided to walk the few short blocks to the Church Board meeting. Of course, maybe it wasn’t the external temperature that had changed as much as how I was feeling internally. On my way to the church, I was still sensing the warm glow of dinner with my beautiful family; but now as I headed home, I was faced with the reality of an increasingly dysfunctional church family and the knowledge that as the Pastor, I would be expected to do something about it.

To be honest, it had been a fairly typical Church Board meeting, which for me was a lot like throwing myself against a brick wall; but somehow my sense of discouragement was even more profound than usual. I understood that there would be a time of transition after I accepted this position, but just eighteen months later, I was beginning to believe that our differences might be irreconcilable. The same members of the Church Board that had assured the congregation that my relative youth (28 yrs old at that time) and inexperience as a Senior Pastor weren’t a problem, were also the one’s who had managed to vote down every substantive change that I suggested. This situation had really drained the joy out of my calling and instead of feeling like I was serving the Lord, I felt like I worked for the Church Board. It wasn’t clear what they’d seen in me during the interview process, but whatever it was, they were clearly disappointed with what they’d gotten in the deal. The weight of that disappointment settled in on me, as I pressed my way through the cold night air toward home. Still months short of my thirtieth birthday, I felt suddenly old and very tired.

As I reached the house, I tried to put on a brave face for my wife Emily, who was always concerned about how I was doing; but thankfully I found that she’d fallen asleep with the kids in our bed. They looked like three little angels, as our little boy Scott (4 yrs) was curled under one arm and our daughter Emma (6 yrs) was snuggled along her other side. This scene managed to warm me for a moment, but that warmth was quickly dispelled by the thought that I was probably disappointing them as well. After all, Emily and I had really prayed before accepting this position and it seemed to be such a great opportunity for our whole family; but now it felt as though I was somehow blowing it for all of us. The more I let that thought hang around, the more out of breath I felt. I quietly hung my coat on the door and shuffled down the hall, to the room I used as an office. There was enough light coming through the window that I didn’t need to turn on the lamp as I made my way over to the chair and collapsed in it. As I sat in that quiet, dark room, my head began to swim in a flood of thoughts and emotions. I could feel despair rising up from within me and as it stuck in my throat, tears began to stream down my face. It all seemed so overwhelming and I felt helpless to turn this tide of emotion. Through my tears, I began to pray, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus; Help me Lord Jesus! When I am weak, You are strong. Oh Lord, I am so weak right now. Please Lord! Come quickly! Apart from You, I can do nothing; please Lord come!” The weight of my head seemed to pull it back against the chair and with my eyes closed I whispered “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”, over and over again, until I felt myself slipping into the space that lies between waking and dreaming. As I allowed myself to drift further into that state, I felt the tension begin to evaporate within me, as a profound sense of stillness overtook me. This sudden revelation of peace resonated deeply within me for only a few precious moments, before what seemed to be an audible voice jerked me back. Though I wasn’t quite sure what the voice had said, my eyes shuttered open to identify its source; and to my surprise, the room was now filled with warm light, which I had to squint against. As my vision came into focus, I was startled to find a man sitting in the chair on the opposite side of my desk and as my eyes finally adjusted, I could see that man was Jesus.

“Oh Lord” I gasped, as a sort of panic swept through me, wondering whether I should be standing or maybe bowing down. But in spite of my overwhelming urge to move, I couldn’t seem to get any part of my body to cooperate, as I remained in a dumbfounded heap. He smiled warmly, seemingly understanding my inner turmoil and said, “Peace”, “be still”. At His words I once again felt the tension melt away from within me, though I continued to stare at him in a kind of stunned silence. I began to wonder if this was just my imagination or a dream or maybe even a vision of some sort; and He once again seemed to discern my thoughts.

“What difference does it make?” He asked.

“I guess I just want to know that this is real”, I stammered.

“I am really speaking to you, if that’s what you mean”, He replied.

I wondered for a moment if that was what I meant, and then quickly realized that if He was speaking directly to me, it didn’t really matter what my state of consciousness might be. As quickly as that was resolved in my mind, I found myself wondering why He was coming to me in this very tangible way.

Again, He smiled at me and said, “Our conversation might be more comfortable for you if you’d ask these questions out loud.”

This caused me to smile, because the idea that He was discerning my thoughts was more than a little uncomfortable; though I also understood that just because I verbalized my questions didn’t mean that His ability to know my thoughts would be in any way diminished. Nevertheless, I asked, “Why have you come like this Lord?”

“Because you called on me my son”, He replied.

“But I’ve called on You before and I’ve never encountered You like this Lord”, I said.

His face seemed to grow serious as He said, “Trust me when I tell you that you’ve never called on me like you did tonight. I have never known your heart to be as troubled as it is right now and so I’ve come to you in this special way. Tell me son, what is it that has so vexed your soul?”

I had to think for a moment, as the Lord’s sudden appearance had seemingly chased away the anguish that I’d been in only moments before; but as I shifted my thoughts back toward the situation at the church, those familiar feelings of discouragement once again rose to the surface. I wasn’t really sure where to begin, so I simply said, “I feel as though I’m failing Lord.”

“Failing at what son?” He asked.

“Everything Lord”, I exclaimed. “When we arrived here, I felt sure this is where You were calling us to be and I could clearly see how You might use me in this church and this community; but now I’m not only wondering whether this is the right place, I’m wondering if I was really even supposed to be a Pastor at all. I don’t seem to have any aptitude for it.”

His eyes were filled with compassion and they seemed to look right through me as He said, “Let us begin with this matter of your calling”.

“What do you perceive it to mean when someone has a calling?”

“That You have called them to do something”, I replied.

“And so do you feel that I have called you to do something?” He asked.

“Yes Lord, I do”, I answered.

“Do you remember when you first sensed that I was calling you to be a Pastor?” He went on.

My mind instantly flicked back to that moment, when at 15 years of age, I felt certain that the Lord was calling me to be a Pastor. The memory of it brought tears of joy to my eyes.

“Yes Lord, I remember it clearly.”

“Do you remember me sending others to you, who confirmed this calling?”

Again, my mind was flooded with images of the many people He’d used to confirm this to me. “Yes Lord” I replied.

“So how have you come to doubt that you’ve been called?” He asked.

“It’s the people Lord, they just don’t seem to respond to me”, I said in exasperation.

“But son, calling doesn’t have anything to do with ‘the people’; calling is between you and Me. I call and you respond. Is there any doubt in your mind that this has transpired between us?” He asked firmly.

“No Lord, there is no doubt”, I admitted sheepishly. “But if You’ve called me here, to these people, then why can’t I seem to reach them? Surely You wouldn’t call me to a people who You knew would reject Your message”, I added.

“Son, no servant is greater than their Master. When I came to this earth, the Father sent me to a people who He knew would reject not only the message, but the Messenger. Indeed, narrow is the way and few ever truly find it; yet it is my heart that all would be saved and none would be lost. So the branch is extended to all, even those who will never accept it.”

I felt embarrassed by how obvious His point was and by the fact that I’d somehow lost sight of all that. But even if I now had to admit that I was “called”, I could not shake the sense of frustration at my lack of genuine progress. Before I could say anything, Jesus went on.

“So you mentioned that when you arrived here, you could see how I might use you in this church and in this community. What did you envision that looking like?”

“I guess I saw a growing and vital church; where we would be soul winners, turning the hearts of the people in this community back to You and defending the faith to a culture that is growing increasingly hostile toward your message”, I replied.

Jesus seemed to nod His head as He said, “It is no wonder that you are tired and frustrated, you are trying to do things that I never called you to do. You have no ability to ‘win souls’ or to ‘change hearts’, these are things that only I can accomplish through my Spirit. Where did you get the idea that this was what I was calling you to do?”

Again, feeling somewhat embarrassed and even a little confused, I mumbled, “The Great Commission?”

“The Great Commission, as men have come to call it, doesn’t say anything about winning souls or changing hearts. It speaks of making disciples, which is something entirely different. The best way to make disciples is to be a disciple yourself. If those who claim my name would simply live as they profess to believe, this process would go on with little conscious effort. If ‘Believers’ could be identified by the fruit of my Spirit and by the way that they loved each other, I could add to their number daily, just as I did in the early days of the church. And where did this idea of being a ‘Defender of the Faith’ come from?”

“I guess it is rooted in the idea of apologetics. In seminary we studied numerous classic books by people who’ve come to be known as ‘Defenders of the Faith’. Even Your word says that we always ought to be prepared to give a defense of our faith”, I offered sheepishly.

“The nature of faith is that it cannot be defended; and while I won’t speak of the books that I didn’t write, the scripture says that you should be prepared to give a reason for the ‘hope that you have’. This of course presumes that my children would live in a way which might cause someone to ask such a question. Unless hope becomes visibly manifest in their lives, the source of that supposed hope becomes of little consequence. I would suggest to you that the culture isn’t growing more hostile toward my message of hope and love; they are instead growing more hostile toward a religious system which doesn’t seem to offer them either one. I have called my people to live by faith, not to be defenders of it.”

While I had no trouble understanding or accepting the truth of what the Lord had said, I immediately began to struggle with the implications of it. I found myself wondering if I really knew what it meant to be a Pastor; and though I could tell that He’d discerned my confusion, He waited for me to speak “Lord, since so many of the things I’ve been taught about serving You seem flawed; I’m wondering if I really understand how to answer this calling that You’ve made on my life.”

The Lord again smiled at me compassionately as He began to speak, “When your daughter Emma was born, did you really understand what it meant to be a father?”

“No Lord, I definitely did not”, I replied.

“Yet, on that day you became a father nonetheless. How have you handled fatherhood in the days since then?” He asked.

“You know that answer better than anyone Lord. I have tried to be faithful to the things I know to do and I have prayed fervently for Your guidance, protection and intervention in the areas in which I’m unsure”, I said.

Smiling, the Lord said, “Indeed you have; and do you feel as though your prayers have been answered?”

“Yes Lord I do; I’ve seen your hand move on behalf of my family over and over again.”

“And so you would agree that you have learned about being a good father, by being a father and by asking me to guide you from day to day.”

“Yes Lord, I would agree with that”, I replied.

“And so it is the same with being a Pastor. On the day you recognized your calling you could not have expected to know how to be a Pastor; you simply knew that you’d been called to it. But by taking the days that followed, one at a time, and seeking my guidance, I will teach you all that you need to know. The danger of the training that you received in seminary is that you might emerge believing that you had been fully equipped and that you no longer need to seek my specific guidance. Just as a few parenting classes wouldn’t have been sufficient to transform you into a good father; neither can your pastoral training really provide what you need to be a fruitful pastor. You need only do what you’ve done in raising your family, be faithful to the things you know to do and diligently seek my guidance for everything else. You are my sheep and my sheep know my voice, even if they don’t fully grasp how that works. Trust that I know how to speak in a way that you can receive and that I am working all things to the good. You are not failing, you are learning, and believe it or not, you are growing. If you will come to me when you feel overloaded, I will show you the things that you are carrying that I haven’t put in your hands and I will give you rest. Remember that the ‘work of God’ is simply to ‘believe in the One whom He has sent’ and that all you can do is plant and water the seeds. Leave the matter of ‘increase’ in my hands.”

Listening to His words brought such a sense of peace and an understanding that I’d really lost my perspective about my part in all of this. In truth, I’d just taken my eyes off the one thing I needed to stay focused on and things just spiraled from there. Knowing that I was where I was supposed to be and that the Lord was not disappointed in me, made all the difference. The only lingering doubt was my fear that I might still manage to let Him down somehow. This time, He didn’t wait for me to express it.

He asked, “What do you expect from your little boy (Scott)?”

I pondered this for a moment, but really couldn’t think of anything. “He’s only a little boy Lord, I don’t really expect anything from him”, I finally replied.

“That’s all you are to me. I’m not going to expect anything from you that you’re not capable of; and even if you’d happen to fall, it won’t catch Me off guard. I don’t expect perfection, I’m only asking for sincerity”, He said.

As His words continued to resonate within me, I began to feel like a little boy; one who was under the watchful eye of his loving father. In that moment, my ability to conjure an anxious thought almost seemed to be suspended and I felt somehow renewed and revitalized. As I closed my eyes, I could see my little Scotty, curled up on my lap, with his head against my chest; and I realized that this was actually a representation of me with the Lord. Just as Scotty had done with me so many times before, I could feel myself melting into His loving embrace. The feeling was so tangible that I could almost sense His chest rising and falling against the side of my face and His breath upon the top of my head. Like a spoonful of sugar poured into a hot cup of coffee, I felt as though I would simply dissolve into Him, never again to be separated. I felt weightless and in an atmosphere without friction, as I drifted into the most profound state of rest that I’d ever known.

Hours later, my eyes blinked open long enough to see that the illuminated numbers on the clock in my office read 3:15 a.m. It occurred to me that I should go to bed and normally sleeping in my desk chair would have been too uncomfortable to endure. But my body was so relaxed that I decided not to move. Though I could still sense the profound presence of the Lord, I was a little disappointed to realize that this whole encounter had most likely been a dream. It had all seemed so real to me and I guess I wanted it to be something more than just a dream. But I remembered what the Lord said about “really speaking to me” and so I pushed those feelings of disappointment away and abided in His still discernable embrace. After more hours of profound slumber, I awoke to a room filled with sunlight, the smell of fresh coffee and the pleasant sound of my wife’s voice.

“You must have been really exhausted to have slept in that chair all night’, she said before adding, “I’m guessing that means the Board meeting didn’t go well.”

I sort of bobbed my head in agreement, as I took the cup of coffee from her; though I was still too groggy to really speak. I knew that Emily would want to hear the details of the meeting and I really wanted to tell her about my dream, but before we got a chance to say anything else, a little voice from down the hall called out “momma”. As Emily went to check on that, I looked at the chair on the opposite side of my desk and a sort of dull ache rose in me to see Jesus sitting there again. I knew that He was still with me, but I had so loved seeing Him right there. Again, disappointment tried to creep in and again, I pushed it away.

Just then, my little boy slowly made his way into my office, carrying his stuffed rabbit (Roger) by one ear. His eyes squinted against the sunlight, which was pouring through the windows and he didn’t look as though he was quite ready to be awake. He made his way around my desk and without even really looking at me, he crawled into my lap and laid his head on my chest. I couldn’t help but feel that God was once again speaking to me and as my arms wrapped around little Scotty, I could feel the arms of the Lord wrap around me. I could feel an ocean of love pouring from the Lord to me and from me to my precious little son. It was overwhelming, as tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my face. I was lost in the moment when a voice from the doorway pulled me back.

It was my little girl Emma and she asked, “Why are you crying daddy?”

“Because I’m very happy sweetheart”, I replied, as Emily came back into the room.

“Oh, good” she said, as she bounded back down the hall.

Emily seemed to be studying my face to see whether I was telling Emma the truth, or if I was just saying that for effect. She must have been satisfied that I was being honest, as she said, “I’m glad to hear that honey; I was pretty worried about you last night.”

“Really, what got you so worried?” I asked.

“Well, I woke up a little before midnight and I saw that you weren’t in bed yet. So I decided I’d better check on you. In the hallway I saw that the light was on in your office and I started to come in; but then I heard that you were talking to someone. At first I thought you may be on the phone, but then I heard the other person speaking to you, so I decided not to intrude. I was surprised that you’d have someone over to the house at that hour, but I had a sense that everything was alright; so I figured you’d tell me about it later.”

I felt electricity spiral through my body, as I realized that the Lord was once again confirming the reality of everything that had happened between us last night. I was humbled and amazed by His grace and mercy toward me; and overflowing with gratitude at His great love. As my emotions broke open and I began to openly weep, Emily looked concerned.

“What is it honey; I’ve never seen you like this before”, she said.

“That’s because I’ve never been like this before honey”, I replied. “Sit down in that chair and let me tell you about it.”