The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise. Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound. As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic. I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.
1. Make a covenant with your eyes: Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same. Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society. As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse. As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way. In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin.
2. We were meant to complete, not compete: In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve. I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage. He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team. Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided. As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture. There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).
3. Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience: Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”. Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do. If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.
4. Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist: In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family. Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet. If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve. In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.
5. Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law: While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think. At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”. If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be. As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them. If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.
6. Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom: While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships. All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear. Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes. When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.
7. Don’t confuse love and bodily functions: In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world. In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world. Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas. I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”. As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated. The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits. In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling. If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them. They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you. If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you. In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice. Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable. Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect. My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired. We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.
8. Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”: These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages. It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too. In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us. Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs. While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other. As Christians we need to seek to live these words out. If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.
9. Throw away your scorecard: The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us. We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.
10. Nobody can make you happy: We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”. They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life. God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him. We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself. It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.
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