As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life. Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws. Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members. After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!
1. This marriage is going to cost you! I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice. If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.
2. I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it. I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart. If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.
3. Get ready to be disappointed. I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love; but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that. There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage. I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.
4. I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer. In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie. While I do understand that your life will be your own and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children. That does not mean that I will be against you or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse. It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.
5. Remember where the hole was. There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled. One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted. Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.
6. Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life. Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage. The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives. If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat. It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.
7. Honesty is still the best policy. If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships. It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation. Just be honest from the beginning. That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.
8. The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have. If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk. Relationships work the same way. Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.
9. Put all your eggs in one basket. Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex. Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children. Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate. If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.
10. God has a destiny for my child. It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it. If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.
Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted.
Some things go without saying. If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.
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