Bjcorbin's Blog

            There is probably very little in this life that can change your perspective more than having children.  It not only changes how you view yourself, but how you view the world and what life is really all about.  Our oldest daughter will be a Senior next year and her teen years have been an eye opening experience for us.  With three other kids just reaching adolescence, I shudder at the thought of what the next 5-7 years might bring our way.  God help us!

            It’s funny how your kids start out believing that you know everything and how quickly they come to decide that you really don’t know anything.  They become convinced that you’ve never faced what they’re facing or that you’ve forgotten what it was like; but the truth is that more often it’s that we remember just how it was and that’s what worries us.  In watching and listening to teens I sense that most feel as though their parents are against them having any fun and that adults enjoy messing up their kids’ plans.  I believe the fact of the matter is that most parents want their kids to enjoy themselves, but that they can see what their kids are often blind to.  Kids tend to think in the short term, while parents are more tuned to the long term.  As I pondered what my kids might be like when they’re “grown up”, I had to ask myself exactly when that will be; is it when they’re 18, or 21, or is it even age dependent?  I immediately thought of some folks who are in their 50’s and 60’s, who I don’t think have quite reached “grown up” status yet; so I bagged the notion that this happens at a certain age.  As I tried to pin down the defining characteristics of being “grown up”, there were three that stuck out.

            One of the most prevalent characteristics of children is their self-centeredness.  As cute and lovable as they are, in their minds everyone and everything is meant to be about them.  A baby doesn’t care if you haven’t slept or that you have to get up early or that you’re sick; all it knows is that it is hungry or cold or afraid or uncomfortable…  Unfortunately this self centeredness is a part of our nature and none of us completely conquer it, but hopefully as we mature we learn to consider the needs of others and begin to enjoy serving as much as being served.  As we get older sometimes this selfishness becomes a little more covert.  We may not throw ourselves on the floor and cry, but we may frequently find ourselves offended, as though everything that is being said or done is specifically aimed at us.  People who always suspect some kind of conspiracy against them are this way too.  Through my experience I’ve come to believe that most of the people who’ve hurt me didn’t necessarily set out to do so, that they just didn’t consider how I might be effected by their actions (i.e. inconsiderate or thoughtless as opposed to malicious or mean); this tends to make forgiveness a lot easier.  People who are self centered often struggle to forgive, because they’ll generally believe that people went way out of their way to hurt them.  I believe that this is rarely as true as we believe.  One of the most liberating discoveries of my life has been the understanding that it is not all about me.

            Another important aspect of maturing is taking responsibility for our life.  Often when you try to hold a child accountable, they’ll have a million excuses and none of them will be “It was my fault” or “I made a bad choice”.  Bad grades are undoubtedly because the teacher doesn’t like me; bad play will likely be because of a bad coach or bad teammates; messy rooms will probably be because of friends or little brothers or sisters.  A milestone in anyone’s life is gaining the understanding that while you may not be able to control other people and/or situations, you can control how you respond; that what “they did” has no power over me as long as I choose to let it go.  Once you have that revelation, you never have to feel powerless again.  As long as we blame others for our problems and/or unhappiness, they will remain a powerful influence over our lives.  This is often seen in adult relationships.  When two people divorce they often blame each other and fail to take responsibility for the role they played in that failure.  When that happens, you’ll see those people struggling with these same issues years after the fact and often they’ll walk right back into the same type of bad situation.  Sometimes you’ll see people with three or four marriages play out the identical scenario over and over again.  The only responsibility that they’ll accept is that they’re bad at picking mates.  Even when we’ve been terribly wronged, if we will accept responsibility for the role that we played in a situation, it frees us from carrying that damage on and from repeating that destructive cycle.

            Another significant step is the understanding that boundaries are meant for our protection and well being.  Children resent boundaries and teens often disdain them even more.  They generally don’t understand that these things are bore out of love and concern for them; in fact they’ll generally believe quite the opposite.  This is also a strong part of our nature and simply put it is rebellion.  As with these other characteristics, we can see this plainly in adults as well.  We all know people who disdain the government, paying taxes, following speed limits, the boss who expects them to be at work on time, the Pastor who doesn’t do it the way they want it, the Ref who makes a call against their team…  As we mature, hopefully we come to the realization that all these things were put in place to help and in some cases protect us.  With that understanding, it is not a burden to comply.

            I guess the reason to ponder all of this is that these principles work the same way in our relationship to God.  He says that we need to esteem others higher than ourselves, that it is better to give than to receive, that we ought to serve others instead of seeking to be served and that we shouldn’t try to gain our life.  If making ourselves comfortable and happy is our top priority, we are really little more than selfish children; who will likely require more goodwill than we’ll ever dispense.  Taking responsibility is also a big step in our relationship with God, because without it we cannot reach forgiveness.  The way we are forgiven of sins is through repentance and if we are unwilling to acknowledge our failures, there can be no repentance.  Repentance is not being sorry; it is changing our mind and our direction.  Unless we’ve taken responsibility for where we’re at, we will likely just wait for somebody or something else to change.  Finally, part of “growing up” in the Lord is when we begin to follow His guidance not out of fear of His judgment, but out of the understanding that His view is much bigger than ours and that He’s got our best interest in mind.  When we grasp that truth, the walk of faith isn’t drudgery and we don’t sit around feeling as though we’re missing the “good stuff”.  We live in a culture that idolizes youth and in which “growing up” is not necessarily esteemed; but as Christians we cannot choose to live in “Neverland”.  God has destined us to be conformed to the image of Christ and His character demands that we put our childish ways behind us.  It is only God’s divine nature that will allow us to overcome the folly of our human nature.