Bjcorbin's Blog

I believe that despite the common patterns that can be observed throughout mankind, each person is to some extent a unique creation; and as such, that each has been endowed with their own specific identity. The longer I live, the more convinced I become that the only way to really find that identity is through interaction with the One who created us. But I’ve noticed that even amongst those who would claim such interaction, there seems to be a real crisis of identity. To some degree, I believe that is because we invest our sense of identity in the wrong things. Here’s a list of some of those things:

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1. Appearance:  With the trillions of dollars that westerners spend every year on cosmetic surgery, weight loss programs, tanning beds, acrylic nails, piercing, tattoos, hair, makeup… it seems undeniable that we are heavily invested in the idea that if we look a certain way, we will feel better about ourselves and that people will ultimately find us more desirable. But I’d submit that if I placed a beautifully wrapped box of Styrofoam peanuts next to a “Wii” game system, wrapped in newspaper, it would only take my kids a few minutes to discover which one they wanted to keep. While the attractive exterior may cause them to open the Styrofoam first, the illusion would literally be paper thin. I believe that the same holds true for people; and that both our feelings about ourselves and other people’s feelings about us, are truly driven by what is in our hearts. If you’ve got a favorite old grandma, ask yourself if you are repulsed by her wrinkled exterior or warmed by her loving heart. On our deathbeds, will the value of any person we care about be based on how they looked in a bathing suit?

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2. Talents/Abilities:  While I believe that each person comes equipped with their own special combination of gifts and that those gifts ultimately compliment who they were created to be, I don’t believe that the gifts themselves actually define the person. What is in a person’s heart will drive how they choose to use their gifts and that will be the thing that defines their relationships. Those who simply use their talents/abilities to glorify themselves and to manipulate others are generally remembered less for their talent and more for their lack of character.

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3. Reputation:  Reputation is generally rooted in how we are perceived outside our most intimate circle and while there is certainly some value in having a “good reputation”, I would submit that value is very limited. What is at the core of our being will be reflected in our closest relationships (e.g. spouse, children…) and if those relationships are poisoned, a “good reputation” becomes little more than an illusion. Our identity is not as much defined by what others think about us, as it is by what we think about ourselves.

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4. Affiliations/Hobbies:  In America we tend to take our hobbies and affiliations very seriously. We spend an incredible amount of our time and resources pursuing things like hunting, fishing, NASCAR, crafting, politics, our favorite sports teams, our favorite music groups, collecting things… and we love to affiliate with groups like the Republicans, the Democrats, the NRA, the Sierra Club, the fantasy ball leagues, our favorite Christian denomination, the local biker club, the VFW, the Elks Club… The problem is that we often lose our own identity somewhere in that process. We think of ourselves as Veterans or Buckeye fans or bikers or liberals or Christians, and we begin to mimic what other people in those groups do, instead of discovering the unique aspects of who we were made to be. Having hobbies and/or affiliations isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as who we are informs them more than they inform who we are.

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5. Possessions/Social Status:  The United States is undoubtedly the land of the great middle class; and while bygone empires may have reached higher levels of affluence, never has the average person in a society lived so well. Yet for most of us, that material wealth and comfortable lifestyle hasn’t really translated into what we’d call happiness. You’d think by now that we’d understand that more possessions aren’t the key to unlock a brighter future and yet, what a person has and/or their social status, is still the measuring stick we generally use to gauge the success of their life. It is not what we have, but what we choose to do with it, that ultimately points to our true identity.

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6. Career/Vocation:  Having a sense of purpose and feeling as though our efforts make a difference, are undoubtedly vital parts of living a meaningful life; and our job/vocation/career can play an important part in that fulfillment. But frequently we begin to mistake what we do for who we are. To be sure, what we do and how we do it, are a reflection of who we are, but they cannot become a substitute for it. Years ago, I read an interesting statistic that said most men die within five years of retiring, regardless of their age; and though I’m sure that there are many factors that drive that statistic, I’d submit that the investment of our identity in what we do is one of them.

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7. Pain/Tragedy:  It is an unsavory fact of life that pain and even tragedy are an inherent part of the journey. While that reality is largely unavoidable, we can resist the urge to allow those things to define us. When we choose to identify ourselves as a victim, we unwittingly cause the pain of the past to infect our future.

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8. Achievements:  While who we are is undoubtedly an ingredient of the fuel for achievement, those achievements are wholly inadequate to fully encompass who we are. Though we might cover our walls with awards, they only represent moments in time; mere glimpses of a much bigger picture. At the end of our life, it is doubtful that any of those accolades will be of much consolation. Inevitably it will be our relationships with those who knew us best that will matter the most in that moment.

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9. Parenthood:  In my own experience, there has been nothing that has touched the deepest recesses of my heart like becoming a parent. While it caused me to discover unseen depths of love and strength, it has also revealed unexpected levels of impatience, frustration and fear. For me, taking parenting seriously has never been an issue; my problem has been maintaining a healthy perspective on my role in our children’s lives. God was too wise to hinge their destiny on my perfection and He is unwilling to take away their free will (even though at times I’ve tried to). I know that I’ve lost my perspective when I fall into despair and condemnation because of their struggles. Though I need to invest myself in the parenting, I cannot allow being a parent to engulf who I am. If that were to happen, I would begin to live for and through my children, which would ultimately be oppressive and destructive, both to them and to me.

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10. Marriage:  Like parenthood, marriage is something we definitely need to invest ourselves in; but I would submit that giving our all in a relationship is not the same thing as forfeiting our individual identity. A healthy marriage will ultimately build up both individuals and allow each partner to more fully realize their God given potential. If one spouse completely defers to the other, the power of the union is greatly diminished and neither partner truly benefits.

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In the end, I believe that our identities need to be wholly invested in being a child of the living God. If that were the case, we could draw all of the love, inspiration, affirmation, encouragement, security and hope that we need from Him and simply be a conduit for Him in our relationships with our spouses, kids, family, friends, neighbors and the ultimately the world.