Bjcorbin's Blog

The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure”; it goes on to ask rhetorically, “who can know it?”  The magnitude of this truth grows as we consider that it also says that God will judge every man based on what is in their heart.  If I understand this correctly, it means that I will have a difficult time being honest with myself (and anyone else) about what is in my heart, yet it will be wholly known to God and used to determine my eternal destiny.  I believe that it was with this understanding that David cried out in the Psalms, “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”.  As that cry becomes my own, I wonder at how anyone can truthfully assess what is in their own heart.

In pondering this, it must first be established exactly what the scripture is referring to when it says, “heart”.  To be sure, it is not describing the blood pump that resides in our chest, but instead is speaking of the very core of our being (i.e. soul).  While the scripture doesn’t necessarily explain itself on this matter, I believe that the picture that emerges is that place within our souls where our mind, will and emotions intersect.  The Word speaks of how a man thinks in his heart (mind); what he purposes in his heart (will); the cry of his heart (emotions) and ultimately tells us that it is with our hearts that we believe and are justified.  This is significant, because it draws a distinction between what we know on an intellectual level (i.e. in our minds) and what we “believe” in our hearts.  I believe that when a truth transcends merely being present within our minds and actually penetrates our hearts, there is an emotional response and an impact to our will.  In the book of Proverbs it says that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

Within my own testimony is an example of this.  I was raised in a Christian home and there has never been a day since my childhood that I did not believe that Jesus Christ was in fact the Son of God, who came and died for my sins.  In some peoples estimation this means that I’ve been “saved” since my childhood.  But as I became an adult, it was clear that I had not yielded my heart to God at all.  I worked throughout my teens, twenties and into my thirties, actively pursuing a friendly relationship with the world and its pleasures.  It was not until the life that I’d so carefully constructed came crashing down that I finally turned and saw Him there.  At that point my heart was wide open, I knew that I couldn’t go on alone and when that understanding took root in my heart, everything changed.  I could no longer be ambivalent about what He’s done for me and the desire for my will to conform to His began to burn.  Though I’d been provided with the right information from the beginning, it took over thirty years for it to move into my heart.  In that moment, God stopped being an image, an idea, or a philosophy and instead He became a reality to me.

While the outward signs of coming into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ were pretty dramatic, endeavoring to understand other issues within our hearts is generally a bit more subtle.  Often the only way for us to truly understand whether there has been a change in our hearts is for it to be tested.  I can know that I should forgive those who’ve hurt me and I can purpose to do that; but often the only way to be sure that it has been accomplished is to come face to face with that person again.  I can say that I’ve repented of sexual sin and turned from things like pornography; but often won’t know for sure until I have that opportunity again and walk away from it.  Just as it is with any learning process, there are periods of learning, followed by periods of testing.  How we respond to these tests can give us insight into what’s truly in our hearts, but this will only come about if we choose to grade them for ourselves.  God does not allow this testing so that He can see what is in our hearts; He already knows; these tests are for us.

I don’t know anyone who likes tests, but like it or not, they’re an essential part of learning.  Even worse than the regularly scheduled exam, is the “pop quiz”; though the consequences of flunking such a quiz are generally less severe.  It’s one thing to flunk a pop quiz, that you didn’t see coming, but it’s a whole other thing to flunk a test that you knew all about and even studied for.  Not many years ago, I miserably failed such a life test, as tremendous anger rose up out of me.  Like the Apostle Paul spoke about, the very thing that I set out not to do is what I did.  I could probably rationalize that behavior and maybe even present a decent sounding argument for it, but as I stand before a righteous God, there is no way to justify it.  It is very much the nature of man to use our God given cognitive ability to manipulate the truth in our favor, but God is truth and He will not be mocked. 

I find it somewhat ironic how often I’ve heard Christian leaders warn about the dangers of emotionalism and of how our emotions can easily be manipulated to lead us astray; yet I’ve heard no such warnings about our intellect.  Our intellect is just as much a part of our soul and as such is at least as susceptible to deception.  As a matter of fact, the scripture speaks far more about what goes on in our mind than about our emotions.  When Eve was questioned about the forbidden fruit, she rationalized that it was the serpents fault.  When Adam was questioned, he rationalized that it was Eve’s fault and even Gods fault for sending Eve in the first place.  We are much the same when we fail a test.  We want to talk about what “they” did or what “they” didn’t do or the “circumstances” surrounding the event…  But deferring responsibility for our actions only keeps us from seeing the truth of our own hearts.  I’m reminded of the time when I was first feeling the drawing of the Lord.  I heard something on the radio about the “judgment to come” and I saw myself standing before God.  In the vision I knew that I’d not lived like I was supposed to and I was trying to justify why I hadn’t been to church in years.  I explained to the Lord that it wasn’t because of Him, but it was because the church was filled with hypocrites.  To my surprise, He agreed, but then He said, “But what does that have to do with you and Me”?  I had no answer and I still don’t.  Maybe people have legitimately wronged me, taken advantage of me and even hurt me, but if my heart truly belongs to the Lord then why would I hold onto anything but Him.  If I’m unwilling to let go of the damaging, hurtful and sinful things of the past, then I’ll be unable to grab hold of the healing, joyful and life giving things that Jesus died to give me.

While people and circumstances played a part in the rage that erupted out of me on that day, they did not create that anger within my heart.  God simply allowed these things to show me what was inside of me.  The scripture says that from the lips comes the overflow of the heart and so I cannot deny what was seen or heard.  If I rationalize, blame, justify… those things will remain in my heart and they will continue to have influence in my life.  Jesus died a gruesome death, so that I would not have walk under that kind of yoke.  I could beat myself up over this failure, but that is of no value to the Lord, who says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  The scripture tells us that when we repent, God throws these things into the sea of forgetfulness; so instead of focusing on the failure, I just need to focus on the turning from it.  I could spend a lot of time and energy trying to fix the circumstances and people involved, but ultimately God has not called me to or equipped me for that.  Instead He has invited me to come boldly before the throne of grace, to trade my heavy yoke for His rest and my sorrows for His joy.  Somewhere down the line, I’m going to get a chance to take this test again and I desperately want the results to be different.  The longer that I walk on this journey of faith, the more I realize that it’s not people or situations or even the enemy that I’m struggling with, but it is those things that I’ve held within my heart that aren’t from God.  Those are the things that allow people, situations and the enemy to influence my path.  As these things come to the surface, I want to be quick to acknowledge them and to hand them over.  Once again I come into agreement with David’s prayer, “Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my inequity.  Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me”.  Amen.