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Are You Still Here?

Last night, our daughter spent hours trying to convince one of her classmates not to end their life.  I wish I could say that this is a first, but all of our kids have been pulled into this sort of thing before.  It was late, and the situation was far from settled when I finally forced her off the phone.  This morning, she woke up troubled and exhausted.  As I sensed her emotional state, I was impressed to write it down.  Please pray for our young people, these are difficult times and their struggles are real.

 

Are You Still Here?

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As my eyes reluctantly crack open, I can see that it’s still dark

And I wonder whether you’re still here

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It was another night of tears and prayers

And words that seemed to fall to the ground

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I tried everything I could think of

But eventually, I ran out of things to say

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You seemed to have a counterpoint for every encouragement

And ultimately I could not carry you to a place you refused to go

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When we hung up the phone, I cried out to God

But I knew that He wouldn’t force Himself on you

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I know that you’re looking for someone who will take away the pain

But you’ve grown immune to the love that’s already around you

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No one has the strength to pry the hurt from your clinched fists

No one else can provide you with the desire to go on

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Hope can be an elusive thing

But it’s not because it’s complicated

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You don’t necessarily need to believe that things will get better

But you have to be open to the possibility that they could

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For whatever it’s worth, I really do love you

And it’s hard not to feel as though I’ve let you down

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I keep searching for a remedy

But the shelves of the medicine chest look empty

*

So I lay here in the pre-dawn hours of the morning

And I wonder whether you’re still here

Close loving relationships quite naturally gravitate toward sex, while casual sexual relationships rarely gravitate toward love.

  1. Every child is their own story. What works with one doesn’t necessarily work with another.  Different things inspire them, motivate them, scare them, and hurt them.  Though there may be some broad tenets that apply to all, each one requires a unique approach.
  2. Perfection cannot be the goal. No matter how hard we try, we will not be perfect parents; and demanding perfection from our kids simply makes them feel as though nothing they do is ever good enough.
  3. Boundaries are meant to keep kids safe, not to keep them from the “good stuff”. Though, as children, we all tested our limits; as parents, we cannot ignore the benefit of hindsight.
  4. Fear is a lousy teacher.  Consistently playing on a child’s fear ultimately destroys their ability to function effectively.
  5. Our children’s perception of themselves is powerfully impacted by what we say to and about them.  Giving voice to our fears, frustrations and disappointments can scar them for life.
  6. Consistently yelling at kids makes them hard of hearing. For survival sake, they simply begin to tune us out.
  7. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work. We cannot hope to hold our kids to a standard that we ourselves do not adhere to.
  8. Though we naturally want to protect our children, it is also our job to prepare them for life without us. Finding the balance between those two things is a long and demanding process.
  9. No matter how doting, diligent and devoted we are as parents, our kids will face adversity, and they will make mistakes.  We cannot be shocked when it happens, and we need to prepare them for those moments.
  10. Love covers a multitude of sins (yours and theirs). When combined with faith, it forms the only wild card that we have in our parenting deck.

The United States is a country that was arguably birthed in protest; as English settlers in the colonies challenged the King’s right to tax them without proper representation.  As such, the founding fathers ensured that our right to protest was guaranteed by the constitution, and throughout our history there have been many notable periods of protest; some of which have ultimately spurred on social change.  But I believe that there are limits to what a protest can achieve.  While it can provide a voice to a group who isn’t being heard, or shed light on a situation that people aren’t aware of, or change the tone of the dialogue around an issue; in and of itself, it doesn’t solve problems.  At best, it creates an impetus to address an issue.  But simply pointing out problems is a lot easier than fixing them, and at some point we need to transition from the simplicity of protesting to the complexity of problem solving.

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As I’ve listened to the uproar surrounding San Francisco 49ers quarterback, Collin Kaepernick’s decision to sit out the national anthem, in protest of the “country’s” treatment of people of color, I’ve found it hard to relate to much of the dialogue.  While I wholeheartedly agree that he is within his rights as an American to make such a stand, I’m utterly baffled by the notion that he’s “shedding light on an important topic”.  The issues of race relations, the use of force by police, the “Black Lives Matter” movement… were already at the forefront of our national consciousness.  His protest hasn’t shed light on some new aspect of this issue, and it certainly has no potential for bringing us closer to a resolution.  Truthfully, it has simply inflamed and re-polarized the factions involved.  Haven’t we already resolved the fact that gunning down cops in retaliation for illegal police shootings isn’t the answer.  If so, then how is the disrespect that Kaepernick feels the “country” shows toward black people going to be changed by disrespecting the symbol of our country’s freedom.  As my parents always said, two wrongs don’t make a right.  Some rationalize that at least he’s got people talking, but I would submit that instead of talking about the issue he purportedly cares so deeply about, they’re talking about him, and the appropriate bounds of protest.  If anything, it has detracted from the dialogue surrounding race relations.

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Another problem with his stand lies in the target of his protest.  He says he’s protesting this “country’s” treatment of African Americans, but who is he really referring to.  When he says “country” is he talking about the government of this country, the police in this country, the white police in this country, the white people in this country, the white racist people in this country…  If the aim of a protest is to affect change, then who are we actually talking about, and what has to happen for the protest to result in some sort of worthwhile action?

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I agree with Collin Kaepernick that black lives do matter, and that there is a very real problem that needs to be addressed.  I believe that there are a multitude of people who are genuinely trying to move from the protest phase to the problem solving phase; which is a longer and more difficult process.  From my perspective, re-stoking the flames of rhetoric only sets us back.  The time for antagonistic gestures is past, it’s time to work on viable alternatives.

*

As for Kaepernick, if he doesn’t start playing better, he may have to move to Canada or Europe to continue his football career.  Unfortunately, he’ll find that they have racism there too, but at least he won’t have to worry about them playing our national anthem.

5 Things I’ve Stopped Saying

 

  1. “Shame on you!”:  Though shame is a natural human emotion, I don’t think that it is ever my place to pronounce it over someone.  For the spiritually minded, these words are a type of curse.
  2. “I am lucky”:  I’m not really a big supporter of the idea that the fickle winds of fate just spontaneously blow in my favor.  I actually sense that there is someone looking out for me, so I ascribe to the belief that, “I am blessed”.
  3. “There is no such thing as a moral victory”:  In an era of “win at all costs”, this notion has become generally accepted; but for many human beings, a moral victory is the only kind they will ever experience.  Like teaching a baby to walk, moral victories constitute the first small steps toward consistent success.  People who don’t believe in such things often burn themselves (& others) out, trying to run before they’ve developed the ability to stand.
  4. God is in control”:  Though I’m a big believer that there is an all-powerful God residing up in heaven, my understanding is that He’s not the one pulling the strings down here on a daily basis.  My reading of the Bible indicates that He gave the earth to mankind and that He only intervenes as we invite Him to.  Ultimately, this is what makes prayer such a necessary and powerful tool.
  5. “I can’t help it”:  Life has taught me that I probably can, if I really wanted to.

 

5 Things I Find Myself Saying Over & Over Again

 

  1. “No one can make you happy”:  People can support us, love us, inspire us, and even enhance the quality of our life.  But unless we determine within ourselves to find the joy, the beauty and the hope within our given circumstance, we will never be “happy”. The idea that it is someone else’s role to bring happiness into our life places tremendous pressure on our relationships, which often causes them to fail.
  2. “It is what it is”:  Age has shown me that life comes at us however it chooses to.  We may not like it, but it never seems to ask our opinion or permission.  We can deny it, complain about it, feel sorry for ourselves… but eventually we just have to deal with it.  It is what it is.
  3. “It’s in God’s hands”:  This seems like a contradiction of my “God is in Control” thought, but it really isn’t.  The longer I live, the more I recognize that things are out of my hands, so I quickly put them in God’s hands.  Then I struggle mightily to stand in faith and leave them there.
  4. “Let it go”:  Holding on to something poisonous makes you sick, and things like envy, greed, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, bigotry, frustration, depression… are ultimately toxic to our soul.  Everybody sing it with me; Let it go, Let it go…
  5. “You’re in my thoughts and prayers”:  I suppose that as Christianity has fallen out of favor within our culture it is no longer politically correct to mention prayer; as you now simply hear, “you’re in my thoughts”.  And while it is nice to know that people are thinking about you, I’m not sure that it does much else.  I’m still an advocate for calling on some heavenly intervention, and letting you know that I’m battling for you.

We should not expect a “good day” to run through the obstacle course of our circumstance and find us.  Indeed, it is incumbent upon us to press through the crowd of impediments and apprehend it.  Every day comes with an armload of reasons to be sad, mad, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, or afraid.  And if we choose to make any one of those the centerpiece of our consciousness, there is no “good day” with the power to wrestle it from us. (Deuteronomy 30:15)

The fruit of the “Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil” (Genesis 2:17) is presumption.  Partaking of it allows us to believe that we can rightfully discern for ourselves what is right and wrong; what is just and unjust; and ultimately, what is in our best interests.  It’s pulp nourishes the notion that we are self-made and dependent on no one.

I will call your name

But I will not plead for an answer

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I will knock

But I will not open the door for you

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I will invite you

But I will not beg you to come

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I will speak words of life to you

But I will not bend your ear

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I will set a table for you

But I will not push you into the chair

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I will love you with all my heart

But I will not coerce you to accept it

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I will bring you to healing waters

But I will not dunk you into them

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I will instruct you in the ways of wisdom

But I will not mandate that you learn

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I will warn you

But I will not compel you to take heed

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I will make you aware when you have strayed

But I will not turn you around

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I will guide you to a clear pool

But I will not induce you to drink of it

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I will give you food for thought

But I will not demand that you think

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I will bring you comfort

But I will not require you to be consoled

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I will unlock your shackles

But I will not take them off of you

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I will always tell you the truth

But I will allow you to believe whatever you choose

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I will prepare a place for you

But I will not force you to dwell there

Patient Grace

You’re the One who gave me breath

even though You knew I’d use it to curse Your name

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You’re the One that came off Your throne to find me

even though You knew I’d go my own way

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You’re the One who gave me freedom

even though You knew I’d use it to liberate myself from You

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You’re the One who gave me gifts

even though You knew I would use them to glorify myself

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But in Your sovereignty You also knew;

that one day I would bless Your Holy name,

that I would find that my way leads to death

and

that I would see that apart from You there is no freedom nor glory

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All praise and honor and glory be unto You O Lord

My hope and my salvation!

Insecurity will often cause a person to try to gain by manipulation what others would willingly give to them (e.g. attention, affection, respect).  Self-doubt convinces them that illegitimate means are the only way to obtain what is legitimately available to them.  Ultimately, these attempts to coerce are often what drive people away, which only serves to reinforce their feelings of insecurity.