There is a world of difference between teaching your children to be considerate of diverse perspectives, versus raising them to be truly “open minded”. Encouraging young people to try on other people’s ideas and philosophies, as though they were trying on outfits at the Mall, is akin to having them accept rides from strangers in order to better understand human nature.
We often treat “friendship” as though it were an introductory level of bonding. But I believe that genuine friendship is actually an advanced form of relationship, which many people never truly experience. With the rise of social media, we casually throw around the term “friend”, and I fear that has diminished it’s profound nature. As I recently discussed this issue with a “friend”, I was reminded of this article from a few years ago.
A Friend to My Father
I was my parent’s problem child; which isn’t to imply that my brothers and sister were perfect. We all went through our rough periods, but I was the one who consistently struggled and routinely required a lot of parenting. To be sure, my low points reached far greater depths than I ever would have imagined and looking back, it’s a wonder that I wasn’t more permanently damaged by some of my woeful choices.
Those struggles were not a byproduct of passive or poor parenting; in fact, my parents were extremely proactive in raising all of us. I was just the kind of kid who desperately needed an abundance of support, guidance, accountability and ultimately strong boundaries; all of which my parents readily provided. I knew what was right and what was expected; unfortunately, I frequently chose to forge a different path. If folly is bound up in the heart of a child, I seemed to be born with a double portion to work through. Because of this, it was essential that one of the earliest revelations of my father was that of an authoritarian. Though he was loving and caring from the beginning, recognizing him as the ultimate authority was pivotal to my early development. Had I not been forced to adhere to some external standard, which I recognized as being greater than myself, it is likely that I would have continued to live out of the futility and chaos that has so often reigned within my own heart and mind. I guess another way to say it is that because my will had to yield to his will, I learned that my will (e.g. what I thought, what I felt, what I wanted…) was never the final word. Undoubtedly, few lessons in my life have been more valuable than that one.
Though I did eventually manage to become a fully functional adult, I continued to make questionable choices in my life, which I believe kept my father’s paternal guard up. Though he treated me with the dignity and respect due a fellow adult, to some degree he still had to view me through the lens of his struggling child. Though I didn’t recognize that at the time, it became evident to me, when some years later, it changed. That change occurred when I was in my early thirties, and the life that I had carefully built crumbled before my eyes. As I cried out to God, my will finally began to genuinely yield to His and my life began to dramatically turn. As those changes took root in me, I noticed that it also changed how my earthly father related to me. He was more relaxed, less paternal and more like a friend. A few years later, when he became terminally ill, we had some amazingly frank conversations about God, life, death… where he spoke in an unguarded way; like you would with a trusted confidant. Though my father passed away shortly after my fortieth birthday, I will always treasure the moments of friendship that we shared in his final years. Though I was honored to be called his son, it somehow seems even more profound that he might also consider me his friend.
Ultimately, I believe this pattern of relationship reflects what God intends for His children as well. He says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. If we don’t begin by recognizing Him as the ultimate authority and greater than ourselves, we never yield our will to His. Though we may speak of Him highly and even claim to be His, we live life on our own terms, guided by our own ideas and going in the way that seems right to us (which the Bible says, “leads to death”). When Jesus first gathered the disciples, they related to Him as Rabbi, which was a position of great authority in Jewish culture. They called themselves His servants and referred to Him as “Master”. It wasn’t until the night before His death that Jesus bestowed upon them the title of “friends”.
Unfortunately, modern philosophies on parenting favor the idea that parents ought to relate to their children as friends over the more traditional authoritarian approach; but in practice this creates destructive and dysfunctional family relationships. Children raised in this manner remain self-centered, compulsive, demanding and disrespectful. As in so many other aspects, Western Christianity has mirrored the culture by frequently trying to introduce the heavenly Father as “friend”; but like the earthly counterpart, this does not produce a legitimate or functional family. If we do not first recognize Him as Lord and come through the cross of Christ, we have no incentive to die to ourselves and to live through Him. We might call Him good and look to Him for provision, but we live in our own strength and by our own sense of righteousness. Though I do believe that God ultimately wants to be able to relate to His children as friends, I also believe that this is a distinction that we must grow into over the course of time. As it was with my earthly father, I would be forever humbled to one day be counted a friend to my Father in heaven.
Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal | Tagged friendship | Leave a Comment »
We seem to be in a season where people all around us are contemplating marriage, getting engaged, getting married, and unfortunately, getting divorced. As I’ve been praying for many of these folks, I was reminded of some things I’ve picked up along the way. These particular lists are more than a few years old, but I believe they still ring true today.
10 Thoughts for My Future Son and/or Daughter In-Laws
As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life. Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws. Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members. After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!
- This marriage is going to cost you! I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice. If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.
- I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it. I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart. If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.
- Get ready to be disappointed. I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance, and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love, but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that. There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way, and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage. I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.
- I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer. In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie. While I do understand that your life will be your own, and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children. That does not mean that I will be against you, or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse. It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.
- Remember where the hole was. There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled. One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted. Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.
- Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life. Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage. The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives. If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat. It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.
- Honesty is still the best policy. If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships. It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation. Just be honest from the beginning. That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.
- The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have. If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk. Relationships work the same way. Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.
- Put all your eggs in one basket. Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex. Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children. Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate. If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.
- God has a destiny for my child. It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it. If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.
Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted.
Some things go without saying. If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.
10 Keys To A Better Marriage
The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise. Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound. As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic. I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.
- Make a covenant with your eyes: Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same. Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society. As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse. As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way. In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin.
- We were meant to complete, not compete: In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve. I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage. He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team. Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided. As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture. There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).
- Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience: Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”. Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do. If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.
- Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist: In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family. Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet. If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve. In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.
- Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law: While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think. At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”. If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be. As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them. If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.
- Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom: While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships. All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear. Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes. When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.
- Don’t confuse love and bodily functions: In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world. In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world. Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas. I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”. As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated. The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits. In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling. If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them. They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you. If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you. In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice. Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable. Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect. My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired. We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.
- Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”: These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages. It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too. In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even a little disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us. Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs. While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other. As Christians we need to seek to live these words out. If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.
- Throw away your scorecard: The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us. We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.
- Nobody can make you happy: We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”. They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life. God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him. We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself. It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.
Posted in Heart of "The Father", Lists, Parenting / Family | Tagged future in laws, marriage | 3 Comments »
For many, the rise of the internet has corresponded to a decline in visits to the bookstore/library. But sometimes a stroll through the volumes can be an interesting journey. Recently, as I walked through the library, I saw some eye-catching book covers, which were prominently displayed. Though I couldn’t help but notice them, I wasn’t really tempted to pick any of them up, and it occurred to me how little the cover of a book really matters. After all, the real value of any book is based on what is contained within. As I thought about my favorite books, I couldn’t even picture what their covers looked like, though I’d have no trouble describing how their content has impacted me over the years. I certainly couldn’t imagine getting rid of one of these simply because that cover was no longer in good shape. And as I pondered all this, it dawned on me that I feel the same way about my favorite people.
Posted in Thought for the Day / Quotes | Tagged book covers | 1 Comment »
I appreciate all of the prayers offered up on behalf of our friends Christian and Carleen, who I wrote about last week (03/06/2014) in my blog titled, “Back to the Edge of the Cliff”. As I mentioned in that article, Christian actually died and was revived several minutes later by his mother Carleen (who was formerly a Registered Nurse). While she offered no explanation for why her 21 year old son’s heart stopped suddenly, and blood came streaming from his mouth, those who know them would have to assume that these things were all the byproduct of a drug overdose, as both mother and son are addicted to heroin. The only real question would be whether it was intentional or accidental.
On a more personal note, it was somewhat surprising to hear that Christian was asking to see me, as we’d never been particularly close. Over the years of our friendship, most of my attention had been devoted to his mother and his two little sisters. Though I know that he appreciated those efforts it didn’t necessarily result in a deep bond between us. His biological father has never been a part of his life, and was already serving a 50 year sentence for attempted murder when Christian was a baby. Though I never sensed that he looked to me as any sort of father figure, I was blessed to hear that he wanted to see me, even though I had no idea what I should say. At first, the hospital prohibited visitors, but I eventually got the call that I could see him.
After much prayer, I felt that I just needed to let Christian dictate the conversation for a while, and to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me. Though the initial minutes of our time together were awkward, we finally settled into a relaxed conversation about nothing in particular. After an hour and a half of this small talk, I was wondering if this was really what God wanted, but Christian seemed to be engaged, so I just continued to roll with it. Then, after a brief interruption by one of his nurses, he suddenly turned back to me and calmly said, “You know that I was trying to end it?” While I wasn’t quite prepared for that, I tried not to give away my surprise; and without any discernible emotion, he proceeded to tell me the story of how he decided to end his life and what he did to execute that plan.
I have to admit that it was chilling to hear how little regard he had for himself, or for his family who witnessed these things. Sadly, his 13 year old sister was the one in the room when blood started issuing from his mouth and his heart stopped beating. In her young life she’s already been an eyewitness to her baby sister losing an arm to a lawn mower, and her father dying in their living room. Even worse is the fact that those events may not constitute the most horrific things she’s experienced, as she’s grown up in a house full of drug addicts. I have to admit that my heart was sick as I considered the carnage this family has known.
Within the story, there was a point where a window of opportunity seemed to crack open, as Christian admitted that he moved into the kitchen because he knew that no one would find him in the bedroom. As I asked about that, he disclosed that as the heroin quickly grabbed a hold of him, he had wondered if this wasn’t a mistake, and from there we spent the next couple of hours talking about fear, hope, suffering, eternity, God, religion, and life in general. I can’t tell you what, if anything, was accomplished in those hours, but it was as naked a conversation as I’ve ever had, and I sensed that it was exactly what both Christian, and God, wanted all along. Christian has a lot of questions, and I didn’t try to give him answers that I didn’t have. I think he appreciated that. I couldn’t help but think of the friends of Job, who cried with him for seven days, but then tried to explain what they didn’t understand. I did my best not to go there.
Looking back, I sense that he was sort of testing me. Would I even come; would I give up when things got inconvenient; would I preach at him; would I stay for more than 15 minutes; would I judge him; would I throw some tired religious platitudes at him; would I really care one way or another? When I finally had to go, he seemed to understand, but he sheepishly asked, “Can you come back tomorrow?” I guess that was his way of letting me know that it had all meant something to him too. As I went to leave I patted him on the shoulder, but despite being weak and full of IV lines / heart monitor wires, he insisted on getting up and hugging me. In that moment I could feel the utter void of love that this boy has ever experienced from a man who didn’t want something from him.
Our conversations in the days since have wavered between more small talk and the deeper issues that are going on in his life. Without us really addressing it directly, Christian decided that he wants to go to rehab at a local outreach ministry, if they’ll take him. At this point, he’s a risk even for the programs that were created to help people like him. And he’s opened up about his fears of being released from the hospital with nowhere to go, other than back to the life he’s always known. He seems to want to make a change, but he’s not sure he can do it, or exactly how to begin. From the outside it all seems pretty simple, but up close it looks nearly impossible. His mother has been the truest manifestation of love he’s known, and yet, her continued involvement in his life presents a real danger to his future. For Carleen, her kids have been her motivation to keep going, but her addiction now threatens their existence. Without the kids, will Carleen have an incentive to keep going? What if Christian needs a safe place to stay? Is it wise to bring him into my home with three teenaged kids? How will he feel if I’m not willing to do that? How far is God calling me to go with this? I’ve got all sorts of words, but talk is cheaper than ever in his world. This boy needs a miracle and only God can deliver it. Despite the encouraging events of the last few days, it’s still up in the air when it comes to tomorrow. Please lift this whole situation up in prayer, as apart from God, we can do nothing.
Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family | Tagged drug overdose, heroin addiction, suicide | 1 Comment »
It’s easy for a person with a seared conscience to mistake it for a clear conscience; after all, neither one generates a pang of guilt.
Posted in Thought for the Day / Quotes | Tagged clear conscience, seared conscience | 1 Comment »
Clearly, I don’t get a vote on who gets into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; but if I did, things would look a little different. For me, some of the artists they’ve chosen are head scratchers, while some of the ones they’ve left out are equally baffling. I could go on for days, but let me narrow it down to five. If I could trade five who are already in for five who’ve been left out, they’d be:
Sell
1. The Beastie Boys – I guess white guys making credible rap music was somewhat groundbreaking in its day, but I can’t find anything in the catalog that warrants this kind of accolade.
2. Donna Summer – I love her voice and she made some great dance records, but I don’t get the rock and roll connection. While early R&B artists and Motown legends influenced a whole generation of rockers, I don’t know anyone who’d site her catalog and/or disco music in general, as informing their rock and roll. Definitely belongs in the Pop Music Hall of Fame.
3. Blondie – Another band that I enjoyed, but like the Beasties I can’t find the classic work that would launch them into this sphere.
4. Patti Smith – I’ve appreciated her art (in all its varied forms) and I admire her as a human being. I also think that “Because the Night” was a great record. But I don’t see anything that really warrants elevating her to the pantheon of rock music.
5. Daryl Hall and John Oats – Like Ms. Summer, I’ve enjoyed some of the records, and they’ve had great success on the charts, but the music is purely pop. Other than a pretty credible cover of the classic “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling”, I’m struggling to see Hall of Fame credentials here.
Buy
1. The Doobie Brothers – Though their catalog is a little uneven in spots, it is filled with classic rock songs (e.g. Listen to the Music, Black Water, Another Park – Another Sunday, Long Train Running, China Grove, Takin’ it to the Streets…) that make them worthy of this recognition.
2. Bad Company/Paul Rodgers – I personally feel as though the quality of Bad Company’s catalog (e.g. Bad Company, Ready for Love, Can’t Get Enough, Shooting Star, Feel Like Makin’ Love, Burnin’ Sky…) justifies a spot, but for those who might disagree, I would submit that without a doubt vocalist Paul Rodgers belongs. His work with “Free”, “Bad Company”, “The Firm” and even “Queen”, qualifies him as one of the greatest rock vocalists ever.
3. Chicago – I realize that some of their later pop recordings tarnished their legacy a bit, but they had a solid run of ten albums filled with groundbreaking rock music.
4. Boston – I believe that their debut album alone qualifies them. The second album was a classic as well. Over 30 years later, these songs are still all over the radio.
5. Yes – An amazing collection of virtuoso artists, making totally original music. With artists like Traffic, Genesis, Pink Floyd, and now Peter Gabriel, already inducted, why not recognize the achievements of this innovative band.
Posted in Entertainment/Music/Sports, Lists, Opinions | Tagged Rock and Roll Hall of Fame | Leave a Comment »
Bjcorbin's Blog 
Thought for the Day – Repentance
April 3, 2014 by bjcorbin
Genuine repentance needs to be more than simply deciding to take an alternate path; it ultimately needs to be like a military coup. It should result in a radical overthrow of the existing authority in our lives and the formation of a new government* going forward. Without such a change in command, our new road is likely to bring us back to the same destination.
* This is my articulation of a concept introduced to me by my dear friend and mentor, Don Atkin.
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Posted in Commentaries, Thought for the Day / Quotes | Tagged repentance | 1 Comment »