At the time of this writing, my two youngest granddaughters are 2 and 3 years old respectively. Though they are cousins, they have spent a tremendous amount of their young lives together, and relate to each other more like siblings. When they are apart, they pine away for each other, and whenever they come together, it is with great enthusiasm and affection. But I’ve noticed that it doesn’t take very long for that initial excitement to wear off, and for contentiousness to rise up in its place.
It tends to start with one of them noticing what the other one has in their hands, or maybe what they’re wearing, and wanting it for themselves. In such moments, you can offer them something else, but once they get their eyes (and hearts) fixed on that one “thing”, it becomes the only thing that will do. There can be doll houses, and scooters, and stuffed animals, but they will suddenly be in a death match over some little plastic piece from yesterday’s Happy Meal.
One may like hamburgers, while the other prefers chicken nuggets, but when they’re together they insist on having whatever the other one is having, even if they won’t actually eat it. If you don’t get them both the same thing, one will feel as though you have somehow favored the other, and treated them unfairly.
When we have only one of the girls, they can go through long stretches of the day being fairly content, but when they are together, it is difficult to go 15 minutes without some form of conflict. Despite their genuine affection for each other, this endless cycle of comparing, coveting and competing tends to steal the joy of their time together.
Anyone who has spent much time around toddlers, or young children would likely attest to the fact that this kind of behavior is typical, especially amongst children who grow up together (e.g. siblings). But something that is rarely acknowledged is how intact this pattern carries over into our adult interactions. While we may eventually learn not to throw ourselves on the floor and cry over the sippy cup, we often remain just as prone to our emotional tantrums, which can be even more destructive than those of our childhood.
This becomes most evident when we try to gather with people we claim to care about, whether that is our family, our neighbors, or in our churches. Though we enthusiastically endorse the concepts of tight-knit families, healthy communities, and Christian fellowship, we struggle to achieve or sustain any of them. Like my granddaughters, we like the idea of being together, yet rarely experience the fulfillment that was meant to accompany it; because like them, we fall into this perilous cycle.
Jesus said the way people would be able to distinguish His followers from other groups would be by the way they loved one another, and that is a standard the “Christian” community has rarely risen to. Indeed, “church people” are more typically known for their divisive and contentious behavior.
While some might want to rationalize that this is simply a maturity issue, I would beg to differ. In my experience, the most seasoned congregants are frequently the most zealously quarrelsome, and sadly, gatherings of religious leaders are generally the clearest example of the compare-covet-compete dynamic.
As western Christianity continues to abandon concepts like dying to self, and being transformed into Christ’s image, in favor of promoting ideals like empowerment, and self-actualization, this issue is bound to get worse. “Self” is the toxin that ultimately poisons unity.
We see this played out in the entertainment world, as young musicians band together in order to create something transcendent. At first, they openly share their gifts, and often go through years of struggle together to achieve their dreams. But upon finding success, this bond is frequently destroyed by power struggles, greed and envy.
Similarly, young athletes will often team together in pursuit of a championship. On the way up, players will make sacrifices and accept the role the team needs them to play. But after a taste of success, everyone wants to be treated like a star, and the team chemistry is destroyed.
As disciples of Christ, we cannot afford to continue to fall into this standard pattern of human behavior. Unless and until we confront the issue of “self”, we have no hope of ever functioning as a body, where each part provides something for the greater good of the whole (Rom.12:3-8, 1Cor.12:12-26).
Bjcorbin's Blog 
Fitting In
Posted in Commentaries, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged apprehension, audience, compare, compete, conceal, concerto, covet, differences, embarassed, estrangement, facade, fit in, fitting in, five-fold, humiliation, identity, insecurity, jealousy, mindset, naked, puzzle, stronghold, subconscious, symphony, trauma, unique, unity on June 13, 2025| Leave a Comment »
Throughout my lifetime I have heard countless people attest to the fact that they feel as though they “never really fit it,” which is a sentiment that is generally greeted with a hearty chorus of amens. Even folks who seem to be popular and successful often profess to battling such feelings. Indeed, in all my years I’ve never encountered even one person claim the converse of this condition (i.e., I feel like I always “fit in”).
I’ve heard Psychologists assert that most people wrestle with the subconscious fear that, “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me,” and I sense that is probably truer than any of us would like to admit. There does seem to be a very human tendency to conceal and safeguard the inner most part of our being for fear of being rejected. Though some experience traumatic levels of rejection at a very young age, this apprehension seems to be prevalent even in those who haven’t.
Anxiety about other people truly knowing us tends to manifest itself as insecurity, which then becomes a breeding ground for covetous, competition, envy, manipulation, and strife. Needless to say, all of those dynamics are highly destructive in terms of our relationship to others, which greatly impedes our ability to function as a family, a community or as a body of believers. Given Jesus’ description of how people would be able to distinguish His followers (i.e., by their strong, loving relationships -John 13:35), this would seem to be a significant issue for those who are called by His name.
In praying about the root of this problem, I sense that it goes all the way back to the first man, and his decision in the garden. When Adam and Eve were walking in undeterred fellowship with the Father, they were aware of their nakedness, but they were unashamed (Gen.2:25). Yet immediately after eating the fruit, it says that their nakedness became a source of humiliation (Gen.3:7), and they felt the need to cover themselves.
Though the scripture doesn’t really describe these coverings, I sensed the Spirit clarify that they didn’t feel the need to cover their face, or hands, or legs… It was only the parts of them that looked different from each other that they felt compelled to conceal.
Prior to eating the” fruit of the knowledge of good and evil,” they viewed each other through the lens of the Father’s love, and were unashamed of their differences, but after the fall, they viewed each other through the context of their own senses, and were embarrassed by the things that made them unique.
Thus, mankind became mired in an endless cycle of comparison, covetousness, and competition, which turns out to be the antithesis of unity. This pattern became lethal within the first generation, as jealousy compelled Cain to murder his brother (Gen.4:8).
Considering that our Creator saw fit to make each one of His children a unique expression of Himself (Gen.1:27), and that Paul would later describe the Body of Christ as the coming together of all these distinctive aspects (1Cor.12:1-26), our apprehension at being vulnerable and genuine with one another is no doubt at the heart of our ineffectiveness in manifesting the body that the Lord described.
Our concept of “fitting in” seems to be predicated on the idea that we will be just like everyone else. So we tend to dress like the proverbial “them”, speak like them, and act like them, in the vain hope that we will find acceptance. But no two pieces of a puzzle are exactly alike, and if they were, a clear picture would not emerge at the end. I would suggest that we were not created to “fit in,” we were designed to “fit together”.
Yet, even if we come to recognize the power in diversity that potential can only be realized when each member of the group is willing to yield to the unique aspects of the others. The whole cannot partake of its rich variety of parts, if a singular element or elite grouping is allowed to dominate at the expense of the others.
Indeed, a clarinet was never meant to sound like a flute, and you actually need both to play the symphony as it was originally written. But you’re not likely to hear either of them if the brass continues to play beyond their prescribed stanzas.
Church models that promote some to be soloists, while making the remainder accompanists (or even worse, simply an audience) virtually ensure that we will never truly function as the body described in scripture (1Cor.12:12-20). Much of the new Apostolic movement has fallen into this trap, as they seek to elevate the position of a few, when the five-fold gifts were actually intended to cultivate the gifts of the many (Eph.4:12-13). Effective “Five-fold” ministry is when every member’s gift finds its place at the table (and every instrument is given its rightful place within the concerto).
Sadly, these mindsets (e.g., I never fit it, if you really knew me you wouldn’t love me…) have become strongholds within the body, and drive most people to willingly forfeit their seat within the orchestra. They will happily sit in the audience if it means that no one will ever truly see what is inside of them. And they will freely gather around someone else’s gifts, while their gifts go dormant.
There is little doubt that the enemy of our souls loves to stir our sense of alienation, so that we will willingly isolate ourselves from the group. It is a classic predator tactic. These feelings of estrangement are often at the emotional core of those who pursue and assume a completely new identity in the hope of finding a suitable new tribe (i.e., the place where they fit in).
Of course, the cost of pursuing a new identity is the identity that they were endowed with by their Creator, which tends to relentlessly haunt them in moments of quiet reflection. They suppose that no one can accept them for who they really are, when it is actually their innermost being that is rejecting this contrived facade.
If this compulsion to “fit in” and be like everyone else is a byproduct of mankind’s fall, then the antidote surely lies in returning to God’s original plan, which is to view ourselves and each other through the lens of the Father’s love (Psalm 139:14, John 13:34). Until we learn how to walk together in unity, by considering others before ourselves (Phil.2:3-4) and submitting to one another in love (Eph.5:21), we will not be able to experience the fullness the Lord authored for His Body (1Cor.12:12-20).
If we continue to fall into the snare of the compare-covet-compete dynamic, we will remain a house divided (Mark 3:25) and never step into the fulness that has been authored for us. For this, and so many other issues, the renewing of our minds (Rom.12:2) is at the heart of the “revival” we cry out for.
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