I recently came across this entry in an old notebook. It comes from a different season of my life, and I’d would say that it is the sound of me working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Even then I realized that God didn’t just want my best, He wanted my all, including the pain, the fear and the frustration. I share this now for those who may be wrestling with some of those same things.
Empty Handed
Dearest Lord Jesus – I come this morning with empty hands and empty pockets
Like a beggar who’s wandered into Your courts
Because of who You are, there are no guards at the door
And despite my poor state, I know that I can come
My accuser has taunted me through the night to produce some evidence from my life
And though I know who is speaking, I have to wonder at his challenge
Shouldn’t there be some fruit to show him?
If I am really a “new man”,
why do I still look so much like the old one?
If I am supposed to be some sort of spiritual covering,
why do the people I love seem so uncovered?
If I really believe in Your Word,
why is so little of it manifest in my life?
If You are my Savior,
where is the joy You paid for?
If You are my Lord,
where is the peace You attained for me?
What is it in my heart that clutches the poisonous reed,
but fails to grasp the fragrant pedals
I can see the place that You’ve set for me at Your table,
why can’t I seem to sit in that chair?
Though I’ve not buried Your investment in the ground;
I wonder if You have ever gained any interest on the things You’ve placed in my hands
You deserve a better servant,
yet here I am
and You don’t cast me out
You don’t seem to be surprised or disappointed in me
Why should I be so disappointed in myself
and yet I am
I want so much to love You,
to serve You,
to be the person You made me to be,
to be like You
God help me;
do Your Holy work within me,
that I might bring an offering befitting of my gracious Lord
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