Bjcorbin's Blog

Sometimes a couple picks a song to be their song, and other times the song seems to pick them.  For me, “For the First Time” by Kenny Loggins, was one of those songs that seemed to pick itself for me, and my relationship with my wife, Anita.

For the first fifty years of my life, I had a condition which kept my eyes from working together.  When I’d look at anything for any length of time, my eyes would drift apart, and skew the picture.  Consequently, I learned to take quick sideways glances, and was self-conscious about looking people in the eye.  Over time, my ability to feel people became stronger than my ability to see them, and consequently, I rarely developed much of a mental picture of anyone.  Combined with the fact that I was raised to never view another human being as a piece of meat, I was never one to “check-out” a woman, no matter how beautiful she was.

I can’t claim that I didn’t notice how beautiful Anita was when I met her, I just didn’t allow that observation to attach itself to any sort of emotion, or feeling.  I considered myself to be happily married at the time, and she was simply my co-worker.  I related to her much the way I would relate to a sister, and for the first five years I knew her that didn’t change. 

But In that time, my first wife decided to be with someone else, and my illusion of a happy marriage disintegrated.  The collapse of that life caused me to turn to God, and changed the course of my journey.  In that same period, Anita also went through relational upheaval, which left her as a single mom, who was extremely cautious about who she let into her daughter’s life.  Our first meaningful conversations centered on God, as neither of us was thinking about a future with someone else.  Even as our friendship grew, we stubbornly refused to view each other through the lens of a potential mate.

Over time, it became clear that God was up to something, but we remained steadfast in our commitment to not get ahead of Him.  Of course, this included not sleeping together before marriage.  As we grew closer, keeping those thoughts and feelings in check became more of a battle, but in lieu of bonding physically, we bonded emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually.  Looking back, I realize that’s exactly what God intended.

After 18 months of growing together, and waiting on the Lord’s leading, we were married in March of 1998, and after a long season of trying to restrain our passion for each other, we were finally able to express it fully.  I vividly remember a moment on our honeymoon, where Anita was sitting on the balcony, doing her daily devotions.  She wasn’t aware of it, but I was staring at her through the sliding glass door.  And for the first time, I let myself look at her without being guarded about the thoughts or emotions that might result from it.  Even decades later, my eyes fill with tears as I recall that moment.  I felt like she was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen, and I caught myself thanking God that He brought us together.  Whenever I hear the song “For the First Time”, I relive that instance.

For the First Time

Are those your eyes, is that your smile

I’ve been looking at you forever

But I never saw you before

Are these your hands, holding mine

Now I wonder how I could have been so blind

*

For the first time, I’m looking in your eyes

For the first time, I’m seeing who you are

I can’t believe how much I see

When you’re looking back at me

Now I understand what love is

Love is, for the first time

*

Can this be real, can this be true

Am I the person I was this morning

And are you the same you

It’s all so strange, how can it be

All along this love was right in front of me

*

For the first time, I’m looking in your eyes

For the first time, I’m seeing who you are

I can’t believe how much I see

When you’re looking back at me

Now I understand what love is

Love is, for the first time

*

Such a long time ago

I had given up on finding this emotion, ever again

But you’re here with me now

Yes I’ve found you somehow

And I’ve never been so sure

*

For the first time, I’m looking in your eyes

For the first time, I’m seeing who you are

I can’t believe how much I see

When you’re looking back at me

Now I understand what love is

Love is, for the first time

Anita imagines that after all these years, this is just a sweet memory.  But whenever I take the time to look into her eyes, this song still plays in my head.