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Archive for the ‘Commentaries’ Category

The problem with finding a perfect church is that none of us would be qualified to attend there.

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I originally wrote this piece when the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books were ruling the best seller list.  Now that the movie is being released, I find it sad to see how much further our society has progressed down this road.  Obviously, the “Grey” referred to in the title of the book is the name of the main character, but to be sure there is an intent of blurring the lines of what is reasonable and acceptable within the context of the story.  While the book tries to come on as some sort of psychological intrigue, the draw is ultimately the explicit sexual content.  It’s really just fluffed up porn, but we like to think of it as being somehow more sanitary and appropriate than renting videos from the local “Adult” superstore.  That seems to be the pattern in our culture.  We keep looking for ways to push the boundaries of what is acceptable, and then find ways to legitimize it in our minds.  We’ve got phenomenally popular artists like Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj, who are trying to sell our young women on the idea that flaunting their anatomy will ultimately empower them, when in fact; it leads to the most ancient form of slavery known to mankind.  Check out the cover of the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.  We rationalize that this has something to do with sports or swimsuits, but it’s just another repackaging of the same old thing.  For most men (& boys), it will be the only Sports Illustrated they purchase this year.  All of these things are meant to activate the same trigger, and they do.  But like a patient who is provided with a button to dispense their own medication, we quickly find out that it never really gets us where we want to be.  We can convince ourselves that all of this is really harmless, but make no mistake; it’s carrying us, and more importantly our children, down a path that we are sure to regret.  The fruit of these things is already beginning to blossom, but we as a culture are unwilling to connect the dots.  There is no blindness as profound as the refusal to see.

 

50 Shades of Gray

There must be 50 shades of gray

Maybe even more

But they’re nothing more than shadows

And a place to lose our way

*

No one ever sets out to be a hypocrite, or a liar, or a cheat

Yet, every day we find a way

*

It’s not the things we call “evil” that so entangle us

It’s the things that we’ve justified as being “good”

*

It’s the pursuit of “having it all”, that so often costs us the things that matter most

*

*

There must be 50 shades of gray

Maybe even more

But they’re nothing more than shadows

And a place where we can hide

*

No one ever sets out to be an addict, or a prostitute, or a thief

Yet, every day we find a way

*

It’s not as much a question of our history

As it is the conclusions that we’ve drawn from it

*

It’s ultimately self-deception that paves the road to self-destruction

*

*

There must be 50 shades of gray

Maybe even more

But they’re nothing more than shadows

And a place for us to perish

*

No one ever sets out to be a pedophile, or a rapist, or a murderer

Yet, every day we find a way

*

Many of us choose to explore our dark side

But none of us ever finds the bottom of it

*

The poison gets harder to detect when you take it one drop at a time

*

*

There must be 50 shades of gray

Maybe even more

But they’re nothing more than shadows

And only the light can set us free

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Recently, an associate of mine shared some negative perceptions that they’d heard others express about me in the workplace.  And while it’s never pleasant to hear that bad things are being said about you, I believe that my co-worker’s intent was to genuinely help me.  Undoubtedly, receiving criticism can be very challenging, and I must admit that I’ve cycled through a range of emotions.  Part of me wants to make the case that these folks really haven’t taken the time to get to know me, and part of me wants to explain that I’ve been placed in a somewhat precarious job position in recent years.  Yet another part wants to be offended, and to vehemently deny that there is any truth to these viewpoints.  But ultimately, all of those actions would prove to be counterproductive.

 

When I take a deep breath, and try to look at things objectively, I can understand how someone, who has only seen me in my current job context, might draw some negative conclusions about me, and my work ethic.  Though I don’t feel that these are representative of who I really am, or what I’m capable of, I do have to accept some ownership of the fact that my handling of this situation has not been sufficient to quell these unflattering perceptions.  I guess I have to ask myself, “Can I do more?” or “Can I do better?”  And the answer to those questions is “Yes, I can.”  So instead of defending, accusing, rationalizing, stewing, or complaining, I just need to step up, and prove these criticisms to be invalid.

 

These folks are not particularly interested in my almost 25 years of performance at the plant, they want to know what I did yesterday, and what I’m going to do for them tomorrow.  Generally, that’s how real life works.

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  1. Worrying about things you cannot change: Truth be told, there is very little in this life that we have direct control over, and worrying about things we cannot change is like trying to push over trees in a petrified forest.
  2. Assuming the worst about people: There is good and bad in every person.  If we look for the bad, we will find it; and if we speak to the bad, it will speak back to us.  (Note:  It works the same way for the good in people.)
  3. Talking with other miserable people about the things that make you miserable: Indeed, misery does love company, and while there can be some minor relief involved in “venting” our frustration, commiserating generally keeps both parties firmly stuck in the mud.
  4. Refusing to believe in moral victories: It’s popular in our culture to say things like, “there’s no such thing as a moral victory”, which is supposed to let everyone know that the person saying this is a “winner”.  But real life doesn’t play out that way.  Most of us can ill-afford to miss the joy of the little victories in our lives (e.g. our kid catching the fly ball, or getting a big hit, even though their team ultimately loses the game), as we holdout for some mythical trophy that will likely never appear.  A key to genuine happiness is finding the value and beauty, even in the most difficult moments.
  5. Constantly striving for something “more”: While many might try to rationalize this as being “goal-oriented”, constant craving is actually a torment (akin to dying of thirst in the desert).  Within this pattern, the act of apprehending a goal immediately destroys its value (i.e. “Been there, done that, got the t-shirt”).  People who always want more will forever remain one step away from satisfaction.
  6. Sharing your inner most feelings, thoughts, opinions, reactions and dreams on social media: The problem with this pattern is three-fold.  First, it tends to keep a person self-absorbed, as they constantly have to review and evaluate their “status”.  Secondly, it tends to stir up offense toward anyone who might disagree with (or “dislike”) their status.  And finally, it too often gives untrustworthy people access to information that they should never have.
  7. Frequently looking back and second guessing the choices you’ve made: We don’t know what we don’t know, and looking back with the benefit of hindsight totally changes the context of a decision.  Too often we idealize what might have happened had we taken a different path; not accounting for all the unforeseen ramifications that may have accompanied such a choice (e.g. George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”).
  8. Taking it upon yourself to hold other people accountable for their failures: Trying to act as another persons conscious is exhausting, and keeps us in a mode of constantly finding fault.  It makes people want to avoid you, and to point out your faults to you.
  9. Studying yourself in the mirror: Considering the commonality of eating disorders, drug addiction, and cosmetic surgeries amongst those considered to be the most beautiful within our culture (e.g. super models), it seems that no one is ever really satisfied with what they see in the mirror.  Even those rare few who might be enamored of their own reflection for a period of time eventually become a slave to maintaining that image.  Ultimately, the quality of our lives will be dictated by what lies beneath our skin (i.e. our heart, mind, soul, and spirit).
  10. Using the negative things people have said about you as motivation: While I realize that people like Michael Jordan have used this approach to accomplish great things, I’d submit that holding on to anger is poison to the soul, and that it sucks the joy out of even the most dazzling achievement.

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Being an auto mechanic isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for being a race car driver.  Indeed they are two distinct skill sets.  But without a fundamental understanding of how a high performance automobile works, a driver’s competitiveness is likely to result in shredded tires, overheated brakes, locked-up transmissions, and/or blown engines.  And so it is for coaches, especially those who work with players who are in their formative years.  The Little League coach, who thoroughly understands baseball, but knows little about the capabilities of 8 & 9 year old boys, or the Middle School volleyball coach who knows bump/set/spike, but has no understanding of the capacities of 12 & 13 year old girls, is bound to struggle and become highly frustrated.  In these instances the player is the vehicle through which the game is played, and a coach who lacks insight into their inner workings is likely to cause damage in the pursuit of victory.  With this in mind, I would suggest that the evaluation process for coaches who work with young people needs to look beyond the individual’s knowledge of the game.  As a parent, I would submit that a coaches ability to effectively connect with their players is far more important than their expertise in the given sport.  On the surface, a great Shakespearean actor may seem well qualified to teach a simple university drama class, but if that university is located in Beijing, and the actor doesn’t speak Chinese, their legitimate expertise may be rendered useless.

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The holiday season is generally associated with the idea of bringing families together, but sadly, these gatherings have gained a reputation for frequently unraveling into a contentious, and at times hurtful, mess.  I wish I could make a solid case that this is an unfair stereotype, and in some cases it undoubtedly is; but many times it is not.  As I’ve pondered the reason for this unfortunate pattern I’ve begun to notice how differently people seem to handle familial relationships as compared to other associations.  Aesop asserted that “familiarity breeds contempt,” but I would say that it more often breeds complacency and presumption.  When interacting with family members we often presume to know their story, and thereby conclude that we know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Sometimes we even presume to know why they think the way they do.  We seldom seek to understand their position because we assume that we already know it.  And too often, we presume that our shared history and/or heredity gives us license to forego common courtesy in the way we express our viewpoints.  Most of us are apt to approach neighbors, classmates, coworkers, and even strangers, with a great deal more consideration than those who are closest to us.

 

I’m sure that most people can think of an obnoxious non-family member that they’ve been required to deal with, and chances are those folks were extended far more grace and patience than a parent, sibling or child might have received.  On a daily basis we associate with people who may be a challenge for us, yet we usually learn to deal with them in a way that at least preserves the necessary connection.  Unfortunately, we aren’t always willing to expend that kind of effort on our own families, even though those are the relationships that should be most valuable to us.

 

If you’ve ever seen a couple walk through a genuine period of courtship, it is a lesson in being invested in a relationship.  The best marriages I’ve seen are those where the spouses never quit courting each other.  The best parental relationships I’ve seen are those where the parents treat their kids with the same kind of consideration and respect that they expect from them.  But for too many, that’s way too much work.  It is easier to try to manipulate or to evoke some sort of positional authority.  Inevitably, we reap what we sow, and that is especially true within our families.  If we don’t like how family members treat us, it may be worth taking a look at how we are treating everyone else.

 

I continue to marvel at the petty little things that keep families torn apart, sometimes for generations.  Even though many would site the deterioration of the family unit as a root of a lot of of our social ills, there seems to be little sense of urgency in cultivating and maintaining the family bonds that remain.  In fact, the dysfunction of the family has become a punchline in popular culture.  At this point, our young people have been raised with the idea that this is just how families are.  I believe this is why so many of the emerging generation are no longer bothering with the institution of marriage, and that many of those who do take that step often do so for the purely pragmatic incentives of gaining insurance benefits and such.

 

As we head into the heart of yet another holiday season I would suggest that the greatest gift we might have to offer our families is a renewed commitment to the relationships of those who are nearest to us.  Instead of rehashing all the old issues that have kept us splintered, maybe we could remind each other of what makes each one precious.  Maybe we’re too jaded to get our families to resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, but surely we can do better than a rerun of “Modern Family”.

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Earlier this week, our three youngest children were recognized for their participation in a Fall sport at the high school (i.e. Patrick & AJ – football, and Bekah – volleyball), as well as their appearance on the school’s Honor Roll for the 1st grading period.  For us, their distinction as “Scholar Athletes” is a special achievement, because it indicates that they are balancing the demands of both the classroom and the playing field.  As proud as we are of these things, I am also mindful of the criticism that we’ve received as “Christian” parents, for allowing our kids to be so involved in these “secular” activities.  After all, both practices and games have, and will, continue to conflict with church activities; and our involvement as parents will continue to compete for our time and resources.  For some, this would seem to be unspiritual, worldly, and a distraction from the things of God.  But I would beg to differ.

There was a time in our lives when we, and often times our kids, were at the church three or four nights a week.  Our whole life centered around it, and we certainly wouldn’t have let anything as trivial as a ball game take precedence over it.  In those days our concept of holiness hinged on being set apart from the world, and what we would have called, “ministry” went on within the four walls of the church.  We home schooled the kids with Christian based curriculum, and wouldn’t allow cable television in our house.  Now, let me preface the rest of this thought with the disclaimer, that none of these things, in and of themselves, is bad or wrong.  If you, or someone you love, has felt led to do these things, by all means follow that leading.  I’m not even saying that it was wrong for us in that season of life.  But after a while, the Lord began to push us in a new direction.  He showed us that the people He wanted to reach weren’t likely to set foot in the church, and that we would not be a credible voice to them by simply showing up on their doorstep one day.  As I looked around, I realized that I didn’t even know my own neighbors, because we were always too busy with church stuff.  The Lord also impressed upon me that our connection to the institution that we called, “church”, should not, and could not be a substitute for our connection to Him.  While I’d grown up with the idea that the church building was “God’s house”, I now understood that He actually dwelled inside of me; and that it is “Christ in Me” that is the “hope of glory”.  In this, I could see that holiness wasn’t simply separating myself from the world, it was actually separating myself unto God and His purposes; which actually includes engaging the world, and the people in it.  I further understood that if this is true for me, it must also be true for my kids.

I also started to recognize that our job as parents wasn’t just to protect our kids, but to prepare them for the life that God was calling them to.  While the thought of raising them as hothouse flowers (i.e. in a filtered & controlled environment) was appealing, it was hard not to wonder whether they would survive their inevitable transplant into the garden of real life.  I had to admit that the thought of allowing them to swim in the murky waters of a troubled world was pretty daunting.  But if you know that someone is destined to live in the ocean, the sooner you can acclimate them to water, the better.

All of this amounted to a revolution in the way we approached our day to day business.  Church stopped being the place we went to feel connected to God, and simply became a place to gather with other believers as we endeavored to integrate Him into every other facet of our lives.  While that gathering remains a source of inspiration, encouragement and accountability, it is by no means our source for God’s interaction in our lives.  Over time, our schedule has included less and less church based activities, and more time spent with people who don’t know Jesus.  And as such, we’ve become more like real neighbors and less like visitors from the holy land.  This is not meant as a slight or to disparage our church family, or our pastor.  We are blessed to be a part of a great congregation of brothers and sisters, with a wonderful Christ-like Pastor, and a teen ministry that’s touching the lives of our kids.  The point is that these things are simply meant to undergird the mission, which is ultimately to be salt and light to a world in need of hope.

Finally, there is the issue of sports itself.  Again, many would view this as a purely secular and/or recreational activity, but we tend to look at it as training for real life.  While some might argue that it is academics that prepare a child for adulthood, I would submit that life is much more like an arena than a schoolroom.  The classroom is a controlled environment, with a script (i.e. established curriculum), a clear standard for success, and where the individual can flourish based on their own merit; while the playing field is often chaotic, and prone to sudden unexpected changes.  It’s a place where strategies often have to be adjusted in the middle of the game, and where we frequently are forced to rely on others in order to reach a place of victory.  I have found that those who only excel on an academic level, often find the non-linear and unscripted nature of life to be overwhelming.

It is not the sport itself that is virtuous, it is the heart of the athlete that dictates the value of the game.  If one simply participates for their own glory and edification, there is little to be derived.  But when one embraces the challenges of commitment, self-discipline, sacrifice, preparation, endurance, teamwork, and execution, it can be fraught with benefits.  If nothing else, simply being involved in, and representing, something bigger than yourself can be of great value.  While it seems unlikely that our kids will play sports beyond this high school level, I can revel in the manifestations of these worthwhile characteristics in them.  They are all virtues which the scripture endorses.

In the end, it’s what’s going on inside of our hearts that will determine the eternal value of how we choose to spend our time.  Allowing the kids to participate in these programs has not only made them stronger, it has connected us to our community in a way that we weren’t, and created a myriad of opportunities to share the love of Christ.  Whether it’s grabbing a burger for a kid who has no money for food, or buying a Gatorade for a thirsty player, or sharing a blanket/poncho/umbrella when the weather’s bad, or giving a kid a ride home, or encouraging a player/coach when things don’t go well, or praising them when they do well, or telling another parent how great their kid is, or watching one of my kids initiate team prayer, or any one of a thousand other things, we have found that the playing field is a fertile field for fulfilling God’s purposes.

When asked about the apparent conflict between his athletic career and his missions work, the famous Scottish Missionary and Olympian, Eric Liddell was quoted as saying, “When I run I feel His (i.e. God’s) pleasure”.  I would submit that this was because being a runner was part of who God had made him to be.  Similarly, as we’ve stepped out into our community, and embraced our role as a conduit for God’s love, we have experienced that same pleasure.  For those who will follow the leading of God’s Spirit, there is no such thing as a genuinely “secular” activity.

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I had an interesting conversation with my kids, and some of their friends, over the weekend.  They had just come from their Homecoming dance, where they had been shocked by some of the blatant sexuality displayed on the dance floor.  When my daughter said that she’d lost respect for some of her peers, one of my son’s friends chided her, saying that he felt like that was “too harsh”, and that “everyone does it”.  I let them banter for a bit before jumping into the conversation, and eventually, it turned into a discussion about sex in general.

 

The first question I asked was, “is fire a good thing or a bad thing?”  After some discussion, they decided it could be good or bad, depending on the situation.  “That’s right,” I affirmed,, “people want to over simplify things as either good, or bad, but the truth is that most things can go either way.”  “Fire in your fireplace can be great, but fire on your roof is not so good.”  “But what about a fire in your fireplace on a 90 degree day” I added.  They collectively agreed that wouldn’t be good either.  “Right again,” I said.  “There is not only a proper place for fire, but there’s also a proper time for it.”  Finally, I asked, “So would there be any problem with letting a 5 year old light the fire in the fireplace?”  Not surprisingly, they all agreed that wouldn’t be a very good idea.  “Indeed,” I replied.  “While a 5 year old might possess the hand-eye coordination for the task, it is unlikely that they would have an adequate understanding of the dangers involved with fire to do the job safely.” 

 

With that foundation laid, I steered the conversation back to the topic at hand.  “Sex is just like fire.  Sex was God’s idea, and when we follow His blueprint, it is very good.  He not only gave us the gift of sex, He also gave us the context in which it would be a great blessing to us.  But sex in the wrong context (i.e. in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people) can be just like fire on your roof – dangerous and destructive.  I believe that departing from that context has led to much of the perversion, dysfunction and destruction that have become so prevalent in our society.  Additionally, just because someone is old enough to have functioning sexual organs doesn’t mean that they have developed the maturity to safely handle such a relationship.  You guys are growing up in a culture that has largely determined that sex is good, and that having the necessary equipment qualifies you to join the party; but I can promise you that both of those philosophies are wrong.  I challenge you to watch those kids who’ve embraced that mentality, and see if you don’t start noticing smoke coming from the rooftops of their lives (e.g. depression, alcohol, cutting, drugs, suicidal thoughts…).”

 

While I believe that this was ultimately a positive discourse, I have a feeling that my kid’s friends are going to quit asking me for rides.

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It is a perverse feature of human nature that the consolation of a thousand blessings can be so easily stolen by one harsh word, or difficult circumstance.

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I am currently reading, “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs”, which was originally published in 1563.  While fumbling through the old English text can be a little challenging, there are also some unusual phrases that really resonate.  One of those is found in the description of the Apostle Andrew at the time of his martyrdom.  Knowing what awaited him, Foxe describes Andrew’s state as he marched toward crucifixion.  “Going toward the place, and seeing afar off the cross prepared, did neither change countenance nor colour, neither did his blood shrink, neither did he fail in his speech, his body fainted not, neither was his mind molested, nor did his understanding fail him, as it is the manner of men to do”.

 

While this is no doubt a beautiful portrait of unshakable faith, I was especially taken with the image of a mind that has been “molested”.  The word molestation has some interesting inferences, which makes it especially meaningful in this context.  Molestation almost always involves a child, or at least an innocent.  It also tends to be initiated by someone close to the victim, like a family member, a teacher, a coach, or maybe even an older child.  Often, the perpetrators of such crimes wrap their insidious intent in a cloak of legitimate authority, empathy, or even affection.   Because of this guise, these predators generally don’t have to break down the door, as their unsuspecting victims willing let them in.  And in all of this I see profound parallels to the manner in which our minds become corrupted from pure and simple devotion to the person of Jesus Christ.

 

More so than the hollow and deceptive philosophies of this world, I sense that it is the false doctrines of religion that have most defiled our understanding of Christ, and His Kingdom.  Generally, these things came to us when we were as yet still children in the faith, and dressed in their priestly robes, we succumbed to their implied authority.  Years later, and far removed from those circumstances, the taint of these formative experiences continues to stain our thinking, and distort our vision.  Like Andrew, the key to our freedom lies within a genuine relationship with the man Jesus.  We need to get past those things which have simply come to represent Him, and engage with Him actively and directly.

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