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The Heart of the Matter

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Opinions, tagged , , , , , on May 25, 2016| Leave a Comment »

We live in an era of 24/7 news/weather/sports/entertainment coverage, where the airwaves are saturated with voices that yearn to be heard on every subject under the sun.  And for those of us who decide to jump onto this “Information Super Highway”, it is easy to get caught up in what the Apostle Paul would likely refer to as “civilian affairs”.  If we aren’t careful, we can become like Peter in the Garden of Gethsemane; too weary to simply watch and pray, yet having the energy to initiate a battle that we’re not called to or equipped for.  I believe that every once in a while we need to be reminded of what truly matters, and as such, I offer this writing from several years ago.  Though it is dated, I still believe it to be true.

 

The Heart of the Matter

 

When I first became serious in my pursuit of the Lord it was because I had begun to recognize the emptiness within the life I’d built without Him.  While that was a good revelation to have, it was also a rather selfish motivation to begin a relationship with.  I wanted my life to have purpose and meaning, which was really all about me.

 

Thankfully, God has been patient with me.  Eventually I figured out that it’s really all about Him, and that true fulfillment comes as a by-product of that understanding.  With each step in my spiritual passage, I’ve hoped to get closer to Him, and to become more like the person He created me to be.

 

Throughout the journey I’ve caught myself wanting to do something that will bless His heart, which has often caused me to ponder exactly what it is that God really wants from me.  While it is obvious that He values things like love and obedience, I’ve caught myself underlining certain scriptures that seem to express His desires even more specifically.  It reminds me of wanting to buy your spouse the perfect gift.  To do that, you need to carefully watch and listen to see what really touches their heart, and what really doesn’t.

 

Early on, I feared that He might be looking for perfection, but I soon learned that all have sinned, all have fallen short, none are worthy, and that our own righteousness never amounts to anything more than filthy rags.  While that may not sound like good news, it let me know that He wasn’t expecting that I’d be perfect.

 

I was especially pleased when He said to come like a little child, because I knew that meant He wasn’t after my strength, or wisdom, or experience either.  As much as these things helped me to understand what He didn’t want, it made me that much more curious about what He did want.  Like the story of the little drummer boy, I wondered what I had that would be a suitable gift for the King.

 

When I read that the Lord called David a man after His own heart, I figured that his life would reveal a lot about what God finds desirable in a man.  My first surprise was that despite Gods lofty description of David, he was far from perfect; which only reinforced my earlier conclusion about my own flaws.  Regardless of his shortcomings, David’s life was eye opening in terms of what God is looking for.

 

The first thing I noted was just how expressive David was with God.  He poured his heart out in the Psalms, including the good, the bad and the ugly; everything revealed before the Lord.  Even as I read of his failures, I could see that his heart was quick to confess and to repent (e.g. Bathsheba).  I could also see that he didn’t fear men and that he was willing to stand alone in the causes of God (e.g. Goliath); that he was a man who trusted the mercy of God above the judgment of man (e.g. his choice of punishment for counting the armies) and that he valued his position as a child of God more than his position as the King of Israel (e.g. dancing in the ephod before the people).  He was a man who pursued Gods blessing (e.g. bringing the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem); who wasn’t willing to presume when it came to Gods will (e.g. his unwillingness to execute Saul despite the prophecy that he would become the king) and who seemed to have a deep understanding of Gods ways (e.g. ceasing his fasting & weeping moments after his son died).

 

Finally, I was struck by how He reacted when God said, “no” to his plan to build the temple.  Instead of being sad, or angry, or defiant, he did everything that he could to make the preparations for his son to accomplish the task.  This spoke volumes to me about what kind of heart David had.  While many of us might claim such allegiance to the Lord, I wonder if our lives would speak it so clearly.

 

As I pondered the things I learned from David’s life, it reiterated that it wasn’t his accomplishments that the Lord reveled in, but his heart.  The Bible says that “the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth, to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him”.  Despite David’s failures, his heart was genuinely committed.  I believe that this is what it means when the Bible speaks of a “pure” heart.  The book of Romans tells us that it is with our hearts that we believe and are justified.

 

While we are certainly servants of the Lord, I am convinced that it isn’t our service that He is after.  In fact, I think we often have an exaggerated sense of what we accomplish for the Lord.  Paul tells us that while we may plant and water seeds, only God can bring the increase.  Even in the parable of the Seed and the Sower, it is neither the excellence of the seed, nor the skill of the Sower that makes the difference.  Ultimately, it is the condition of the soil into which the seed falls.  If we get overly focused on results, we’re likely to either get discouraged or puffed up.  According to the scripture, God does not entrust us with producing results.  Only He can draw men unto Himself, and only He can change a heart (or mind).  If we really believe that, we ought to be more devoted to prayer than we are to debate/apologetics/social dialogue, and more devoted to fasting than we are to protesting/banning/boycotting.

 

The Lord says that He doesn’t regard our outward appearance, but that He looks at the heart.  His reward is for those who diligently seek Him, and He works all things to the good of those who love Him and who are called to His purpose.  These scriptures strongly affirm the message that He’s simply looking for hearts that are genuinely His.

 

While that may sound pretty simple, the Bible warns us that it is a fight.  It says that the heart is deceptive above all things and that our flesh wars against the spirit.  Proverbs cautions that “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”.

 

When it’s all boiled down, only three things will pass the standard of eternity, faith, hope and love.  Faith is an essential ingredient, without which we cannot please God.  Hope (which could be considered our faith applied to the future) is an element that needs to be visible to those around us, so that they themselves might seek the source of it.  And most importantly there is love, without which all our efforts are in vain (i.e. if I have not love, I gain nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing).

 

At this point in my spiritual journey I believe that what God really wants from us is a heart that is fully committed to Him; one that will diligently seek Him and His purposes for our lives.  I believe that as we seek, we will find, and that if we keep Him & His kingdom first, everything else will be added unto us.

 

I also believe that our greatest battle isn’t with the world system, or non-believers, or even the forces of darkness; but with our own flesh.  I trust that if we keep our hearts pointed toward Him, He will be faithful to complete the good work that He’s begun in each of us.  Though we live in a time when the dark is getting darker, the Lord stands ready to reveal His light in those who are truly His.  Indeed, I sense that all of creation is eagerly anticipating that moment.

 

“Arise, Shine, for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.  See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and His glory appears over you.  Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn.”  Amen.

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Multiple Choice Tests

Posted in Free Verse / Poetry, Heart of "The Father", tagged , , on March 28, 2016| Leave a Comment »

I, the Lord, have set before thee,

Life and death

Blessing and cursing

Truth and deceit

Generosity and greed

Perseverance and self-pity

Choose life!

*

I, the Lord, have set before thee,

Life and death

Blessing and cursing

Compassion and apathy

Sacrifice and indulgence

Peace and hostility

Choose life!

*

I, the Lord, have set before thee,

Life and death

Blessing and cursing

Fidelity and treachery

Gentleness and brutality

Redemption and condemnation

Choose life!

*

I, the Lord, have set before thee,

Life and death

Blessing and cursing

Integrity and corruption

Contentment and covetousness

Unity and dissension

Choose life!

*

I, the Lord, have set before thee,

Life and death

Blessing and cursing

Forgiveness and bitterness

Diligence and complacency

Grace and judgement

Choose life!

*

So that both you and your descendants may live (Deut. 30:19)

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Don’t Grow Wary of Well-Doing

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Opinions, tagged , , , , on March 22, 2016| 1 Comment »

It took more years than I’d care to admit to come to the realization that life isn’t really all about me; and then a few more past that point to see that the harder I consciously tried to gain my life, the more I unconsciously lost it.  Though it seemed counterintuitive the first few hundred times I heard it, I eventually came to understand the freedom that comes with surrendering the seat of honor to someone else, and considering others before myself.  Not that I’ve by any means mastered this sacrificial way of living, but we’ve definitely become more outwardly focused in recent years.  That has included simple things, like feeding someone who is hungry, or lending a helping hand; and at times it’s entailed more complex and difficult things, like reaching out to people who are literally dangling from the ledge.

 

As we’ve walked down this road, we’ve discovered more than a few unpleasant realities.  To be sure, caring for people is a messy business, and God’s economy is much different than our own.  He is more than willing to allow some havoc to go on in our temporal realm in order to propel us toward His eternal goals for us.  And change (even positive change) is a challenging and often painful process.  Many times, it’s the people you’re trying to help who fight you the hardest.  No doubt, Jesus can relate to this; as the very ones He came to rescue decided to lynch Him.  Indeed, He warned His disciples that many in the world hated Him, and that many would hate them as well.  Similarly, Paul said that we would be the “Aroma of Christ”, which would smell like life to some, and death to others.

 

Our experiences have also caused us to come to a new understanding of the word “success”.  Because if success means that everyone gets saved, everyone gets healed, everyone gets delivered, everyone gets reconciled… then we’d have given up long ago.  The scripture tells us that we can plant seeds and we can water seeds, but that only God can bring the increase; so ultimately the results belong to Him.  All that we can do is play the role that He gives us.  We have helped people to get free from an abusive relationship, only to watch them willingly return to it.  We’ve seen people receive miracles, only to trade their gift for self-destruction, and we’ve watched people ascend from the ashes of their past, only to tunnel their way back into the prison of addiction.  And every time something like this happens your heart breaks again, which is doubtlessly an appropriate reflection of what our Heavenly Father feels.  He doesn’t take away His children’s freewill and He doesn’t give us that option either.

 

Additionally, we’ve found that helping people doesn’t necessarily breed gratitude or praise.  More often, it stirs up contention.  Jesus spoke of healing ten lepers, pointing out that only one of those returned to thank Him, and when the Pharisees heard he’d healed on the Sabbath, they accused Him of violating the law.  I can’t help but feel that these stories are somewhat prophetic for those who choose to reach out to others.  Like trying to feed a duck in the park, or a gull at the beach, you normally just wind up with a bunch of angry birds flying at your head.  We recently became aware of a need, and reached out to a family within our community.  Through the generosity of our friends and family, this particular need was met.  But instead of being perceived as the blessing that it was, it has stirred animosity amongst those who feel as though they should have received the same sort of gift.  Ultimately, we were criticized for not doing more for the other families who may also have a need.  And every time something like this happens, there is a temptation to say, “I’m never doing this kind of thing again!”  But like most temptations, that is an urge we need to battle.

 

The scripture is full of directives toward reaching out to others.  It is better to give than to receive; whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me; the religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is caring for widows and orphans; love your neighbor as yourself; the only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself as love; if a man asks for your cloak, offer him your tunic as well; the parable of the Good Samaritan…   We cannot allow the adversity that comes with the mission to keep us from answering the call.  We have to abandon our western ideas about what it means to be “victorious” and learn how to reflect our Father’s heart to a lost and dying world.  His heart is patient, and kind, and merciful, and long suffering, and forgiving, and generous.  We can neither become weary in well-doing, nor wary of it.

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Thought for the Day – Feeling Worthless

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Opinions, Social / Political, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged , , , , on February 23, 2016| 1 Comment »

This morning, I was scrolling through our Facebook news feed, looking for a post from my kid’s school principal, when a couple of items caught my eye.  The first one was from a female, who’s name I didn’t recognize, and it said something about not feeling beautiful enough.  I assumed that this was probably from a girl my kids go to school with, and I thought about how sad it was that she would feel this way about herself.  As a man with a mom, a sister, a wife and daughters, I know far too many women who battle self-image issues, and I hate the messages that our culture sends to them.  Unfortunately, without knowing this girl, there wasn’t really anything I could say, so I said a little prayer and moved on.

 

Further down the news feed I encountered another post, from this same person, that said that she felt “worthless”, and a sense of urgency began to well up in me.  I couldn’t help but conclude that this girl was crying out for help, and I wondered if she had anyone in her life who was looking out for her well-being.  When I checked to see if anyone had commented on her status, I noticed that 4 people had “liked” the post, and that really confused me.  What exactly does “liking” that status mean.  Is it, “Yeah, I feel worthless too”, or “Yeah, you are worthless”, or “I like that you’re feeling worthless”, or was it something else?  Of all the responses I could have to that message, hitting the “like” button seemed to be the last thing I would consider.

 

Not knowing what to do, I tried to write some words of encouragement to this person.  Of course, I realize that flowery words from a complete stranger may not make much of a difference, but I couldn’t bring myself to do nothing.  After I hit “Post”, I thought of some other things I meant to say, so I’ve revised that message below.  And while it was originally written with this hurting girl in mind, I offer it to anyone who is struggling to see the beauty and value of who they were made to be.

 

One night, long ago, your Creator was stirred in His heart, and that stirring became His inspiration to create you.  He formed you with His very own hands, and with painstaking detail He fashioned your heart.  There is nothing about your being that is a mistake or an oversight; each part of you was created with intent and purpose.  Who you were made to be is not just the accumulation of past experiences, good or bad.  You were made to be a reflection of the heart of your Creator, and as such, there is something of Him that is uniquely revealed in you.  His light and life can show through you in a way that can be expressed by no other creation.  If you do not become who He made you to be, there is an aspect of Him that the world might never see.  You are a one of a kind, unique across all of time, and irreplaceable.  When He was done forming you, He sat back and admired His work.  He still does.  He knit you together in your mother’s womb; He created your inner most being; all the days ordained for you were written in His book, before one of them came to pass.  You are His workmanship.  Only He knows the real you, and it is only through Him that we can come to understand who we were made to be.  He yearns for you to find all the good things that He wove into your being; He yearns for you to know the truth about you, and about Him.  You are significant because you were made in His image, and He’s destined you to return to Him. 

 

If you will let Him, He will touch others through you.  There may well be people in your future who will need your help in order to reach their destiny.  You may be their lifeline at some point.  Don’t let today’s discouragement keep you from arriving at that moment.  God has plans for you – plans to give you hope and a future!

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Raising a “Born Leader”

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, tagged , , , on July 23, 2015| Leave a Comment »

At a very young age, my son Patrick was a take charge kind of guy, and I used to joke that even though he was a “born leader”, there didn’t seem to be anyone willing to follow a five year old.  While that line was good for an occasional chuckle, it actually encapsulates a very real issue for those birthed with a calling to leadership.  I believe that God equips us with the gifts and abilities needed to fulfill His divine purposes in our lives; and I don’t believe that they just magically appear when we need them.  I sense they exist within us (often times in seed form) from the time we are born, and that they must be nurtured and cultivated along the way.  If this is accurate, it may be more fitting to say, “born to be a leader”, as it acknowledges that one must grow into such a role.  Even after the prophet declared that David would one day be king, no one bowed down to him.  In fact, he was sent back out to the fields to tend the sheep (for years).  Similarly, recognizing this calling in the lives of our children doesn’t mean that we should put them in charge of the nursery, or even let them pick out their own clothes.

 

While the idea that our kids could one day become “leaders of men” may sound glamorous, raising a child with classic leadership traits (e.g. fearless, proactive, outspoken, stubborn, independent…) can be a challenging endeavor.  Such a child is generally classified as “strong-willed”, which some view as an affliction, or even a defect.  I remember being told that I needed to “break” my son’s will/spirit while he was still young, but the Lord strongly impressed upon me that this was not His desire.  He showed me that He’d put these qualities within the boy for a reason, and that I needed to help him to develop into the man he was created to be.  Again, that sort of thing sounds good on paper, but how do you do it?

 

As I prayed, I sensed that the first step was to teach Patrick to recognize, and yield to “legitimate” authority.  The scripture teaches us that fear (i.e. awe, reverence) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.  It is the recognition that there is a power greater than ourselves, and that we are subject to it.  No matter what position of leadership he might be destined for, learning to submit to those with genuine authority is an essential trait.  Leaders who miss this step in their development generally become tyrants.

 

Another important concept was the proper application of the strength that God has given him.  Helping him to understand that this power wasn’t meant to simply get him what he wants, but that it is intended to be a resource for God to protect and serve the children He loves.  Ultimately, authentic leadership isn’t as much about controlling people, as it is about serving them.  Leaders who fail to grasp this principle are likely to become bullies.

 

As we’ve travelled further along this path, I’ve sensed that the first charge for any emerging leader is to lead by example.  For how can someone be trusted with the governance of others, when they are unable to govern themselves.  In fact, good leaders often attain their position by simply walking with integrity, and finding that people have fallen in line behind them.  While this organic emergence into a position of leadership is ideal, it isn’t always possible.  But how a leader steps into that role is a critical factor.  Those who seize power/control rarely hold onto it for very long, and are far more likely to have it ripped from their hands.  Installation into a leadership position is best facilitated by those who possess legitimate authority over that position, or by the consensus of those who would be subject to it (e.g. electing a Union President or team Captain).

 

As time has gone on, I’ve come to recognize leadership qualities in all of our kids, and to understand that they are all called to lead in one capacity or another.  At the very least, they will need to lead their families.  As such, these principles apply to them as well.  And while I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject, I would offer the following condensed list to anyone trying to raise a “born leader”.

 

Raising a “Born Leader”

 

  • Don’t attempt to break their will/spirit, endeavor to mold it
  • Teach them to recognize and yield to legitimate authority
  • Teach them not to use their strength to oppress or abuse, but to protect and serve
  • Teach them that they must first lead by example before they can expect an actual leadership position
  • Teach them that positions of leadership are best when they are given, and not seized

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Why Are You Letting Them Do This to Me Daddy?

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal, tagged , , , on March 3, 2015| 1 Comment »

During a time of prayer, I was reminded of a particularly painful moment in my life involving our youngest daughter Rebekah.  As I remember, she was somewhere between her first and second birthday, when our household got hit with a particularly bad bout of the stomach flu.  I’m pretty sure that all of us took a turn with it, and in the midst of that time, Bekah (who weighed less than 20 lbs.) began to turn blue.  Needless to say, we were more than a little concerned, as I rushed her to the emergency room.  Immediately, they determined that she was severely dehydrated, and that they needed to start an IV.  They wanted me to wait outside while they executed that plan, but I calmly (& firmly) assured them that I was quite unwilling to leave her side.  As they went about the task of trying to locate one of her tiny veins, Bekah fought like the warrior God made her to be, which made the already daunting task nearly impossible.  It literally took four adults to hold her down, and it still required eight tries before the nurse was able to connect with a vein.  As Bekah screamed out in pain, her beautiful gray eyes were fixed on me, and as near as I could tell, the question in her tiny heart was, “Why are you letting them do this to me daddy?”  In her short life, no one had ever really hurt her, and in as much as a baby can, she trusted that she was safe with me.  Now, I not only stood by while they pierced her over and over again, I was actually one of the people holding her down while they did it.  It was an excruciating moment, and one that I’d long since pushed out of my mind.  Bekah is now in High School, and she has grown into a strong and beautiful young woman.  So why go back and revisit this awful memory?

 

As I meditated on this scene, I found myself wanting to answer her inferred question.  “I let this happen because it was the only way you were going to get better,” I thought.  And while I know that is the truth, I also realized how little difference that would have made in the midst of her pain.  In her tiny heart it must have seemed that I was allowing them to torment her, and maybe even that I was helping them.  My heart ached at the remembrance of the hurt and confusion in her face; and as I pondered what the Lord was trying to show me, I realized that He was helping me to understand what it can be like for Him, and with His children, as we experience painful and/or difficult situations.  Like baby Bekah, we don’t necessarily see or understand the bigger picture; we simply know that we don’t feel good, that our sense of security is quickly evaporating, and that we are in genuine pain.  Such instances can breed doubts that linger long after the moment has past.  We may feel abandoned in our hour of need, or betrayed by the one who was supposed to protect us, or maybe we conclude that there is something so wrong with us that we are beyond help (or at least unworthy of it).  These kinds of thoughts tear at the fiber of our faith, and distort the nature of who God is, and who we are to Him.

 

The Bible says that God works all things to the good of those who love Him, and who are called to His purpose.  I believe that we often twist those words to imply that we should never suffer, but clearly that’s not what it means.  In fact, the scripture tells us that “Jesus learned obedience from the things He suffered.”  If the Son of God, a man of perfect faith, had to learn that way, how do we think that we can avoid it.  God views us, and our lives, through the lens of eternity; so just as it was with Bekah, a relatively brief period of suffering can produce a harvest of life and wellness.  In His humanness, Jesus spoke directly to this issue in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He essentially said, “Father, if there is some other way to achieve Your eternal purposes for my life, I’d rather not endure what’s about to happen.  But if this is the only way to orchestrate the redemption of mankind, then so be it.”  The scripture tells us that Jesus “endured the cross, despising it’s shame.”  We too will have to endure some things, and we may also despise the process, but instead of being discouraged, and feeling abandoned, we need to remember that we have a Father who is able to work all things to our eternal good.  And just as I was unwilling to leave Bekah’s bedside, we also need to remember that He is a God who never leaves us nor forsakes us.

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15 Years Ago Today

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal, Tributes on January 1, 2015| Leave a Comment »

15 years ago today, two very special people came into my life.  Though they arrived only a minute apart, and were almost exactly the same size, they’ve grown into two completely unique individuals.  I can’t imagine what my life would be without them, and the world is a better place because they’re here.  Happy Birthday Andrew and Rebekah!  I’m so proud of who you are, and of who you are becoming.  Remembering your arrival will always be cause for celebration.

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Thought for the Day – Fatherhood

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged , on October 1, 2014| 2 Comments »

Being a committed and loving father does not guarantee that your kids will never struggle, but the failure to do so ensures that they will.

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The Gift of Friendship

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal, tagged on April 2, 2014| Leave a Comment »

We often treat “friendship” as though  it were an introductory level of bonding.  But I believe that genuine friendship is actually an advanced form of relationship, which many people never truly experience.  With the rise of social media, we casually throw around the term “friend”, and I fear that has diminished it’s profound nature.  As I recently discussed this issue with a “friend”, I was reminded of this article from a few years ago.

A Friend to My Father

 

I was my parent’s problem child; which isn’t to imply that my brothers and sister were perfect.  We all went through our rough periods, but I was the one who consistently struggled and routinely required a lot of parenting.  To be sure, my low points reached far greater depths than I ever would have imagined and looking back, it’s a wonder that I wasn’t more permanently damaged by some of my woeful choices.

 

Those struggles were not a byproduct of passive or poor parenting; in fact, my parents were extremely proactive in raising all of us.  I was just the kind of kid who desperately needed an abundance of support, guidance, accountability and ultimately strong boundaries; all of which my parents readily provided.  I knew what was right and what was expected; unfortunately, I frequently chose to forge a different path.  If folly is bound up in the heart of a child, I seemed to be born with a double portion to work through.  Because of this, it was essential that one of the earliest revelations of my father was that of an authoritarian.  Though he was loving and caring from the beginning, recognizing him as the ultimate authority was pivotal to my early development.  Had I not been forced to adhere to some external standard, which I recognized as being greater than myself, it is likely that I would have continued to live out of the futility and chaos that has so often reigned within my own heart and mind.  I guess another way to say it is that because my will had to yield to his will, I learned that my will (e.g. what I thought, what I felt, what I wanted…) was never the final word.  Undoubtedly, few lessons in my life have been more valuable than that one.

 

Though I did eventually manage to become a fully functional adult, I continued to make questionable choices in my life, which I believe kept my father’s paternal guard up.  Though he treated me with the dignity and respect due a fellow adult, to some degree he still had to view me through the lens of his struggling child.  Though I didn’t recognize that at the time, it became evident to me, when some years later, it changed.  That change occurred when I was in my early thirties, and the life that I had carefully built crumbled before my eyes.  As I cried out to God, my will finally began to genuinely yield to His and my life began to dramatically turn.  As those changes took root in me, I noticed that it also changed how my earthly father related to me.  He was more relaxed, less paternal and more like a friend.  A few years later, when he became terminally ill, we had some amazingly frank conversations about God, life, death… where he spoke in an unguarded way; like you would with a trusted confidant.  Though my father passed away shortly after my fortieth birthday, I will always treasure the moments of friendship that we shared in his final years.  Though I was honored to be called his son, it somehow seems even more profound that he might also consider me his friend.

 

Ultimately, I believe this pattern of relationship reflects what God intends for His children as well.  He says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.  If we don’t begin by recognizing Him as the ultimate authority and greater than ourselves, we never yield our will to His.  Though we may speak of Him highly and even claim to be His, we live life on our own terms, guided by our own ideas and going in the way that seems right to us (which the Bible says, “leads to death”).  When Jesus first gathered the disciples, they related to Him as Rabbi, which was a position of great authority in Jewish culture.  They called themselves His servants and referred to Him as “Master”.  It wasn’t until the night before His death that Jesus bestowed upon them the title of “friends”.

 

Unfortunately, modern philosophies on parenting favor the idea that parents ought to relate to their children as friends over the more traditional authoritarian approach; but in practice this creates destructive and dysfunctional family relationships.  Children raised in this manner remain self-centered, compulsive, demanding and disrespectful.  As in so many other aspects, Western Christianity has mirrored the culture by frequently trying to introduce the heavenly Father as “friend”; but like the earthly counterpart, this does not produce a legitimate or functional family.  If we do not first recognize Him as Lord and come through the cross of Christ, we have no incentive to die to ourselves and to live through Him.  We might call Him good and look to Him for provision, but we live in our own strength and by our own sense of righteousness.  Though I do believe that God ultimately wants to be able to relate to His children as friends, I also believe that this is a distinction that we must grow into over the course of time.  As it was with my earthly father, I would be forever humbled to one day be counted a friend to my Father in heaven.

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Thoughts on Marriage

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Lists, Parenting / Family, tagged , on March 26, 2014| 3 Comments »

We seem to be in a season where people all around us are contemplating marriage, getting engaged, getting married, and unfortunately, getting divorced. As I’ve been praying for many of these folks, I was reminded of some things I’ve picked up along the way. These particular lists are more than a few years old, but I believe they still ring true today.

 

10 Thoughts for My Future Son and/or Daughter In-Laws

 

As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life.  Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws.  Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members.  After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!

 

  1. This marriage is going to cost you!  I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice.  If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.
  2. I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it.  I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart.  If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.
  3. Get ready to be disappointed.  I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance, and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love, but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that.  There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way, and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage.  I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.
  4. I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer.  In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie.  While I do understand that your life will be your own, and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children.  That does not mean that I will be against you, or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse.  It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.
  5. Remember where the hole was.  There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled.  One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted.  Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.
  6. Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life.  Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage.  The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives.  If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat.  It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.
  7. Honesty is still the best policy.  If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships.  It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation.  Just be honest from the beginning.  That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.
  8. The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have.   If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk.  Relationships work the same way.  Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.
  9. Put all your eggs in one basket.  Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex.  Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children.  Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate.  If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.
  10. God has a destiny for my child.  It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it.  If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.

 

Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted. 

Some things go without saying.  If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.

 

10 Keys To A Better Marriage

The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise.  Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound.  As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic.  I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.

 

  1. Make a covenant with your eyes:  Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same.  Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society.  As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse.  As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way.  In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin. 
  2. We were meant to complete, not compete:  In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve.  I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage.  He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team.  Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided.  As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture.  There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).
  3. Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience:  Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”.  Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do.  If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.
  4. Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist:  In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family.  Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet.  If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve.  In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.
  5. Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law:  While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think.  At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”.  If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be.  As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them.  If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.
  6. Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom:  While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships.  All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear.  Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes.  When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.
  7. Don’t confuse love and bodily functions:  In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world.  In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world.  Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas.  I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”.  As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated.  The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits.  In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling.  If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them.  They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you.  If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you.  In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice.  Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable.  Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect.  My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired.  We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.
  8. Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”:  These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages.  It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too.  In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even a little disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us.  Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs.  While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other.  As Christians we need to seek to live these words out.  If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.
  9. Throw away your scorecard:  The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us.  We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.
  10. Nobody can make you happy:  We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”.  They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life.  God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him.  We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself.  It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.

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