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In the Silence

February 5, 2012 by bjcorbin

We live in a culture of almost constant motion and noise; where many businesses operate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; where television and radio stations operate around the clock; and where people are rarely seen without an electronic device in their ear.  We even have televisions which allow the screen to be split, so that we can watch more than one program at a time.  Interestingly, the cumulative effect of all of this stimulation has not been to sharpen our senses, but to dull them.

 

The average person today seems to require far more stimulation to maintain their attention for a given span of time. Sadly, as with all cultural trends, we see this played out within the church as well.  High tech sound systems, video equipment and power points have become common elements in church services; with contemporary, stylistic, multi-media presentations finding great favor amongst the people.  While all of these things have the potential to enhance the presentation of the Gospel and/or the worship experience, they also have the potential to reduce church goers to spectators.  The difference between a congregation and an audience is roughly equivalent to the difference between a sacred gathering and compelling musical theatre.

 

In contrast to the things of the culture, the Bible speaks of God’s “still small voice” and tells us of His desire to lead us “by the still waters”; while Solomon extols, “Better is a handful with quietness, than both hands filled with travail and vexation of spirit” and Peter speaks of the value that God places on a “gentle and quiet” spirit.  Throughout Jesus’ ministry, we see Him walking away from the crowds and even His disciples, to be in a quiet place with His Father.  While the scripture certainly portrays God moving and working in numerous different ways, there seems to be a special reverence for the place of quiet stillness before the Lord.

 

In my own journey of faith, I have found that my most profound encounters with the Lord have often been characterized by both of these attributes.  Despite the fact that there are many who would likely echo this aspect of my testimony, there seems to be a high degree of discomfort with quietness or stillness within corporate settings; as though we lack confidence in the inner working of the Holy Spirit, unless we can see some outward (i.e. physical) manifestation of it.

 

After spending many years within the Pentecostal/Charismatic movement, it has been my observation that we seem to be highly enamored of the “shout”, which appears to be the preferred response of many who engage in corporate ministry.  It is unlikely that anyone who has traveled within these realms for very long has been able to avoid being chided from the platform for the insufficiency of their response (e.g. Aw you didn’t get that, if you’d have gotten that you’d be shoutin’; somebody ought to be running these aisles; is anybody alive this morning; I’m preachin’ better than you’re amenin’…).  While there is no doubt that congregations may not always be engaged in the ministry to the degree that they ought to be, it is also true that the lack of jumping and shouting may not be an accurate indicator of what they are deriving.

 

Ministry that is bore of the Spirit will likely spark conviction and/or even deeper revelation, which may or may not be accompanied by an external response.  Unfortunately, many a well-meaning minister has interrupted the inner working of the Spirit, with their demands for an external display of response.  Undeniably there is a shout that rises out of the Spirit and there are times that one might be moved to cast off restraint and to run the aisles, but unless these things are initiated by the Holy Spirit, they are nothing more than motion and noise.

 

I have been in services where I’ve sensed that the Spirit was hovering (i.e. tangibly present, but not necessarily moving or speaking), waiting to see if we will wait on His move or initiate one of our own; sadly it is a test that is often failed.  I would submit that the enemy of our souls is not opposed to a church that jumps and shouts, as long as no one is being genuinely transformed into the image of Christ.  As a matter of fact, I would guess that as long as the latter remains true, the former is actually beneficial to his work.

 

Understandably, ministers who are passionate about their work are hoping to incite a passionate response in those whom they minister to. That passion can come in multiple forms, many of which are deeply personal, and difficult to express.  Just as there are times of boisterous motion and sound, there are times that we need to be still, and know that He is God.  Just as Jesus said that He didn’t do anything until He saw the Father do it first, we need to wait on the Lord to initiate His move.  He is the Bridegroom, who initiates; we are the Bride who responds.  If He is dancing, let us leap. If He is weeping, let us travail. If He warring, let us fight, and if He is quiet, let us be still.

 

I wanted to share the lyrics to this song, which God has used mightily in my life.

 

In the Silence – By Jason Upton

 

Tired of telling you, you have me

When I know you really don’t

Tired of telling you I’ll follow

When I know I really won’t

Cause I’d rather stand here speechless

With no great words to say

If my silence is more truthful

And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

 

In the silence

You are speaking

In the quiet I can feel the fire

And it’s burning, burning deeply

Burning all it is that you desire to be silent in me

 

Oh Jesus can you hear me?

My soul is screaming out

And my broken will cries teach me

What Your Kingdom’s all about

Unite my heart to fear You

To fear Your holy name

And create a life of worship

In the Spirit and Truth of Your loving ways

Posted in Commentaries, Opinions | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

10 Things I Learned from the Old Testament

February 3, 2012 by bjcorbin

1.    Seeing is not necessarily believing.  Though many of today’s Christians seem to feel as though the manifestation of miraculous “signs and wonders” would spark a mass revival throughout our land, the book of Exodus would seem to indicate otherwise.  As we read about the Jews leaving Egypt, we see that they were witnesses to many spectacular miracles, yet in spite of seeing the Nile river turn to blood; the angel of death passing over their households (while at the same time touching every Egyptian family); walking through the parted Red Sea; eating manna from heaven; drinking water from the rock and following a pillar of fire at night, they continuously complained to Moses and did not hesitate to form a golden idol when he did not immediately return from the mountain. 

2.    Men have an innate ability to rationalize their wrong behavior.  In one of the first instances the Bible records man speaking to God, we hear Adam rationalize his disobedience by saying, “it was that woman You sent”.  In essence he’s saying that it was not only Eve’s fault that he didn’t do what he was told, but ultimately that it was God’s fault for sending her in the first place.  Sadly, mankind has been rationalizing misguided behavior ever since.

3.    Being used of God isn’t necessarily a sign of your good standing with Him. Throughout the Old Testament we find examples of God using unlikely vehicles to convey His message.  In the book of Isaiah He refers to the brutal Assyrian regime as the rod of His anger, while in 2nd Chronicles it speaks of Him “handing” the people of Israel over to the pagan king Nebuchadnezzar.  In perhaps the most dramatic instance, he uses a donkey to speak to the misguided prophet Balaam.  These things ought to give pause to all who have compromised God’s truth, yet take solace in the fact that He’s still using them to some extent.

4.    Having the gift of wisdom and living wisely are two different things.  The gift of wisdom that God bestowed upon King Solomon is unrivaled in the Old Testament and his resume of accomplishments is also without peer; and yet, it was ultimately his unwise choices (i.e. marrying foreign women & worshipping their gods) that caused him to lose God’s favor (1Kings 11).

5.    There is no formula to the way God works.  Throughout the Old Testament we see God orchestrate victory for His people through many different means.  We see Him bring Joshua victory through Moses upheld arms (Exodus 17); we see the walls of Jericho fall to the shouts of His wandering tribes (Joshua 6); we see Gideon gain victory with broken pots & trumpet blasts (Judges 8); we see the angel of death wipe out 185,000 enemy soldiers in their sleep because of Hezekiah’s prayer (2Kings 18 & 19) and we see the enemy turn on each other, as Jehoshaphat leads a group of unarmed worshippers onto the battlefield (2Chronicles 20).  The only common thread in these victories was that the people were willing to trust and obey the Lord in times of trouble; and that is as close to a formula as we can hope for.

6.    God does send His children to people that He knows will reject them.  I have often heard Christians despair when their outreach efforts are rejected.  Many of them seem to feel as though being “called by God” to a task, is in some measure an assurance of good results.  But one need only read of the Old Testament Prophets to see that God is not hesitant to send His messengers to a people He knows will reject their message.  Of course, the greatest example of this is documented in the New Testament and involves His very own Son.

7.    It is not the quantity or quality of our prayers that causes God to hear them.  The oft quoted 2Chronicles 7 passage (i.e. If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray…) is generally applied as a call for “more” prayer; but a closer reading of that passage would seem to indicate otherwise.  This verse actually speaks to the posture of our hearts when we pray (i.e. humble, repentant of our wicked ways, seeking God’s face) and suggests that without that posture, our prayers may be in vain.

8.    Worldly prosperity rarely leads people to God.  Throughout the Old Testament we see the nation of Israel stray from God and His ways during the good times, only to run back to Him during times of oppression.  This speaks to the nature of man and ought to be a warning to us Western Christians, who seem so enamored with the trappings of worldly prosperity.

9.    Taking matters into our own hands will often take them out of God’s hands.  In 1st Samuel (4) there is a story that tells of the nation of Israel’s frustration at losing a battle to their enemies the Philistines and of their decision to deploy the Ark of the Covenant in a subsequent battle.  In a pragmatic way, this decision seems pretty sound, after all they were the “Children of God” and the Ark was a representation of God’s faithfulness to them.  Unfortunately, this story doesn’t include anything that indicates that the Israelites sought God’s guidance in this matter; and that presumption proved costly, when during the ensuing battle, they not only lost 30,000 soldiers, but the Philistines also managed to take the Ark of the Covenant from them.

10.  There is just “one thing” that God is really after.  2Chronicles (16) tells us that the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the earth, seeking to strengthen those whose hearts are fully His.  To me, this is the precursor to the great commandment, which also tells us that all God really wants is all of our being.

Posted in Commentaries, Lists | 2 Comments »

Who Are You Looking At?

January 31, 2012 by bjcorbin

In the pre-dawn hours of the morning I find myself at the sink

Splashing water in my face

And as I catch a glimpse of the weathered visage in the mirror

I can’t help but wonder what it sees

 *

Does it see a husband?

Or just a man who has a wife

 *

Does it see a father?

Or just a man who has children

 *

Does it see a man of genuine conviction?

Or just a man who is self righteous

 *

Does it see a man of true character?

Or just a man with manners

 *

Does it see a man who speaks the truth?

Or just a man who can be good with words

 *

Does it see a “follower” of Jesus Christ?

Or just someone who has adhered to the “Christian” brand

 *

Does it see a child of God?

Or just a man who holds religious beliefs

 *

Does it see a man who is truly being transformed?

Or just a man who has cleaned up his act

 *

Does it see a man that is filled with God’s own Spirit?

Or just a man who is filled with his own ideas

 *

And as I stand

Struggling with who I may or may not be

The Lord plainly says

“You’re staring at the wrong face”

Posted in Free Verse / Poetry, Heart of "The Father" | 1 Comment »

Thought for the Day – Idle Time

January 31, 2012 by bjcorbin

In Western society, we are lovers of pleasure and leisure; and quite often our idle time degenerates into idol time.

Posted in Thought for the Day / Quotes | Leave a Comment »

Kathryn Fowler (12/04/1921 – 01/17/2012)

January 17, 2012 by bjcorbin

Today we said goodbye to our dearest Grandma Kate and in her honor I wanted to repost a couple of things that she helped inspire.

True Strength

(Inspired by the life of Kathryn Fowler)

*

True strength does not intimidate

It does not act in fear

It does not draw attention to itself

And it does not fight for its position

*

True strength serves without being served

It is the first to get up and the last to sit down

It only eats after everyone else is served

And it loves without regard for itself

*

True strength is rare and beautiful and generally goes unnoticed

*

The Silent Goodbye

(Ode to a Passing Generation)

*

I’m not sure why I never noticed it

when I passed you on the street

But now that you’ve gathered together

I can see it in your collective stare

*

You still have something to say

but there’s no one there to listen

You have been called “The Greatest Generation”

and I don’t doubt that it may be true

*

You have known times of great sacrifice

and believed that the needs of the many outweighed those of the few

You fought wars in the hope of ending all war

and believed in giving more than you expected to receive

*

You worked hard

You stuck together

You fought for freedom

You hoped for tomorrow

You stepped into the unknown

You did all that we could ask of you

except produce heirs who truly appreciate the value of their inheritance

*

It is a perilous generation that spurns the wisdom of the past

and fails to recognize the founder of their feast

I come from such a generation

*

It is a frivolous people who hold nothing sacred

save the pursuit of their own happiness

I come from such a people

*

It is a vain man who believes that he can redefine truth

and control his own destiny

I have been such a man

*

Each time that I walk by you

I notice that a few more of you are gone

And I can’t help but feel

that we are losing far more than we understand

Posted in Personal, Tributes | Leave a Comment »

Beautiful Truth

January 12, 2012 by bjcorbin

If you come to me

I will try to tell you the truth

But I must warn you

My story is likely to change

 *

You see, the things that I hold as true today

Aren’t necessarily the same as they were a year ago

And if I keep growing and learning

It follows that they will be different a year from now

 *

It is not truth that is changing

It is my understanding of it

It is not my desire for honesty that is growing

It is my capacity for it

 *

As a young man I thought I had a grasp on truth

But now I see that the truth is too big to hold in your hands

The human mind cannot fully wrap itself around truth

In fact, it is truth that wraps itself around our minds

 *

The truth is like a mountain

Too thick to be penetrated

And too heavy to lift

Ultimately, all we can do is journey towards its shrouded summit

 *

It is made of solid rock

And we can choose to build upon it

Or fall upon it

Or have it fall upon us

 *

It is a foolish man who believes that the truth is somehow subject to him

Or moved by his disapproval

Who thinks that he might bend it by his will

Or outrun it in his strength

 *

To some the truth is terrible

And to others it is beautiful

But regardless of our perceptions

Ultimately truth will prevail

Posted in Commentaries, Free Verse / Poetry | 1 Comment »

Freedom of Speech

January 9, 2012 by bjcorbin

The book of Proverbs tells us that a kind word turns away wrath; and thus it would seem to follow that an unkind word is bound to invite it.  Though this may seem obvious, it is wisdom that we have apparently forsaken in our culture.  Yesterday, as I sat in the bleachers of my daughter’s sixth grade basketball game, listening to parents heckling the referee’s, I couldn’t help but cringe in anticipation of the explosion that was sure to come.  A few minutes later, when the referee stopped the game and ejected the mom of one of the players, the inevitable storm of accusations and condemnations quickly ensued.  Regardless of the particulars of that ridiculous exchange, the mere exercise itself managed to eclipse the whole reason we had come to the gym in the first place.  Players on both sides stood staring at the crowd, bewildered and embarrassed.  Minutes later, the game was stopped again; this time because the level of player hostility on the court seemed to be escalating to a dangerous level.  Certainly, it shouldn’t be surprising that eleven and twelve year old girls would follow the lead of their parents and it made for a tense and miserable closing period to what had otherwise been a hard fought game of basketball.  On the losing side, one young player valiantly attempted to lift her team’s morale by making a positive comment in the huddle, only to be shouted down by her teammates.  This, of course, managed to leave the team even more miserable and fractured than simply losing the game would have; and I couldn’t help but shake my head at the whole pitiful mess.  There was a lot that the girls could have learned from the game; much of it, things that their coach has been trying to teach them in practice; but I’ve no doubt that the car ride home with their parents convinced them that the only reason they lost that game was because of the “bad referee’s”.

Though some might view this as an isolated incident, I see it more as representative of where we’ve arrived as a culture.  As we’ve transitioned from the idea that we are “One Nation Under God” to the concept that every man is their own island, we’ve lost perspective on anything that stretches beyond our own perceptions.  Collectively, we have become so enamored of our individual points of view, opinions, ideas… that most of us have websites, blogs or Facebook pages, so as to broadcast our invaluable perspectives into cyberspace.  As if that wasn’t enough, we now also have Twitter; so that minute by minute, we can keep everyone abreast of our spontaneous reactions to and insights on, life itself.  Sadly, these mediums rarely produce much that is truly uplifting and more often are used as a way to criticize, condemn and ridicule the things that we don’t understand or agree with.  We often use them to post images that we shouldn’t be sharing or to say things that we shouldn’t be saying.  I myself shudder at the thought of having a Twitter account, as my initial and spontaneous reaction to things is often wrongheaded or at least misinformed.  I’m thankful that many of the thoughts I’ve entertained were never recorded for posterity, much less transmitted to the people I care about.  How foolish and self important would I be to think that people are sitting at home and wondering what my “status” is at any given moment.  I’m not saying that there is “no value” in these things, but I am saying that their potential for destruction is more often realized than their potential for good.  Worst of all, is that our kids have never known it to be any other way.  They’ve grown up in a culture that has largely cast off restraint, with a steady diet of reality TV, where people routinely express every rude, crude and vulgar thought that pops into their head.  They’ve been taught by coaches who tell them that “trash talking” is just a normal part of the game; and they’ve witnessed their parents blatant disrespect, and often ridicule, for any other adult (e.g. teacher, coach, referee, umpire, co-worker, neighbor, traffic cop, politician…) who has the audacity to disagree with their opinion.  Unwittingly we have trained up a whole generation in this way and it is unlikely that they will ever depart from it.  Is it any wonder that teachers are struggling to maintain control in the classroom or that bullying has reached new levels of viciousness or that fans are trying to beat each other to death in the parking lots of sports venues.

There have been many apocalyptic predictions about 2012 and I’m certainly not the kind of person who would attempt to confirm or deny any of them; but the words that the Bible uses to describe the people of the “end times” give me pause.  It says, “There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having a form of godliness, but denying it’s power (2 Tim 3:1-5)”.  As I turn on the television or listen to the radio or look at my computer or attend one of my kid’s ballgames, I can’t help but think that this is becoming a pretty fair description of our national character.  Last night, as I consoled my tearful daughter and told her how proud I was of her for having a good attitude, playing hard and trying to lift up her teammates, I was sickened by the knowledge that next week’s game might not be any different.  After all, unless we are willing to admit that we were wrong yesterday, there won’t be any incentive to do things differently next week.  God help us.

Posted in Commentaries, Opinions, Social / Political | 3 Comments »

Diary of an Angry Protester

January 9, 2012 by bjcorbin

Here’s my take on some of the recent protests.
*
This is the hour of our discontent
A defining moment for our generation
It is a time to stand and demand our rights
A time to shout from every street corner
*
Where is our piece of the American Pie?
Who will pursue our happiness?
This is supposed to be the greatest nation on earth
Where is the prosperity we were promised?
*
We believe that every generation should do better than the last
And that our kids shouldn’t have to work as hard as we did
We believe that education is the most important thing
And that teachers ought to do a better job of motivating our kids to learn
*
We believe that the government should do more for the people
And that it shouldn’t cost us more in taxes
We believe that corporate America should provide good, high-paying, non-polluting, jobs
And that they need to keep prices low for us working people
*
We believe in:
Global Warming
Instant credit
No down-payment
No interest for one full year
The convenience of a drive-thru
Weight loss, without diet or exercise
Relationships, without commitment
And in “Just Do It”
*
We don’t believe in:
Smokestacks
Standing in line
Waiting our turn
Doing without
Being told “no”
The daily grind
Growing old
Or that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few
*
We want:
Free WiFi
Tax breaks
Paid vacations
Cost of living increases
Affordable health care
High yield, no risk, investments
Early retirement
And the rich to share their wealth with us
*
These desperate times have spurred us to action
As angry words fill our blogs
We are creating websites about our adversaries
And camping out in the public squares
*
And if all of this fails to bring about a change
We are willing to go even further
Like initiating an international Twitter campaign
Or maybe even a boycott of Starbucks
*
The revolution has begun!

Posted in Commentaries, Free Verse / Poetry, Social / Political | Leave a Comment »

The Day After Christmas

December 27, 2011 by bjcorbin

Because Christmas fell on a Sunday this year, I was afforded the rare opportunity to have the day after Christmas off.  And though I mostly spent the day cleaning up from our holiday festivities and running a few errands, I noticed a few things along the way that struck me as strangely symbolic of the current state of our culture.

 

The first of those observations came as I got out of bed and gazed out my window.  Just the night before, my neighbor’s house had been a glow with all sorts of blinking lights; along with lighted candy canes aside the walk-way, a robustly decorated tree in the front window and multiple inflatable’s in the yard.  Judging from the number of cars that surrounded the house just a night earlier, it would seem that there had been quite a celebration there.  But in the mid morning hours of December 26th, the only shred of evidence that remained was the dead carcass, of the now bare tree, which lay lifelessly along the roadside.  Though I guess that I can admire my neighbor’s efficiency, it struck me as rather sad that we’d be in that great a hurry to usher in the end of the Christmas season; but that’s how things work in today’s high tech society.  We’ve been there, done that and got the colorful holiday tie to prove it.  No reason to linger, after all we’ve got BCS bowls and late night parities coming up next weekend; and heck Valentine’s Day is practically upon us.  We move on in the name of progress, but I can’t help but feel that we’ve somehow missed the point.

 

Later, as I was driving along, I heard the headlines about what a good shopping season that retailers had; and the radio commentator interpreted this to be a sign that people had become generally more “hopeful” for the future.  I couldn’t help but be taken aback at that notion.  Is “hope” really what running up our credit cards at Christmas represents?  I just read an article last week, where economists estimate that household debt in America has now surpassed the national debt and yet, this man suggests that there is hope in the idea of people spending money that they don’t have?  God help us if this is how we’ve come to express our hope.  In truth, the guru’s of our cultural continue to perpetuate the myth of the consumer based economy, which purports that America is going to somehow consume its way back into economic prosperity.  It is an idea that runs right along the same lines as losing weight without changing your unhealthy diet or doing any exercise; it has a certain curb appeal, but it doesn’t really work.  Indeed, I couldn’t help but notice that the stores were packed for after Christmas sales, but I also noted that the lines to return unwanted items were wrapped around the building in some cases.  Unlike the positive sounding voice coming from my car speakers, I interpreted this as a sign of our disillusionment with all the “stuff” that we thought might make the coming year more palatable.  As I watched people, I didn’t see anything that looked like optimism in their faces; and to me, it seemed that maybe they were realizing that they still hadn’t found what they were really looking for.

 

I know that I have a strangely non-linear way of looking at things, but somehow all of these things seemed connected to me.  It has been suggested that most people lead lives of “quiet desperation” and I would suggest that the collective volume of that particular emotion is steadily increasing here in America.  We’ve even taken to the streets this year, to protest the disparity in our collective prosperity.  Though pundits and politicians and philosophers have all promised us that our clearly eroding way of life is going to rebound any day now, there is the nagging sense that they really don’t know any more than we do.  We keep hoping that someone or something is going to come along and fix our unraveling ways of thinking, but no one has emerged.  Christmas presented a fresh opportunity to find something hopeful, but we’ve largely traded in the true message of Christmas (i.e. John 3:16) for a new iPad and a 60” flat screen TV.

 

But now, just one day later, our Christmas trees lay dead on the roadside and we’re taking back all that stuff that we couldn’t afford in the first place.  It’s a shame that our culture holds nothing sacred anymore, because there is no more hopeful message than the one’s the angels delivered upon Christ’s birth.  “Fear not; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which will be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you, you will find a baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.”  It is a timeless message that was meant for a people who seemed to have little to hope for.  If ever we needed to embrace the true meaning of Christmas, this was the year.  I know at my house, it’s a message that is still resonating and one that I hope to carry into the new year.

Posted in Christmas, Commentaries, Social / Political | Leave a Comment »

Sibling Rivalry

December 13, 2011 by bjcorbin

Yesterday my oldest brother (Tom) had his fiftieth birthday and it caused me to reflect on our relationship over the years.  Tom is only a year older than my brother Kevin and two years older than me; so as with many other things in our lives, Kevin and I will quickly follow his lead toward this significant milepost.  As is typical of oldest siblings, leading is something that comes quite naturally to Tom and I am ashamed to admit that for many years I let that be a point of contention for me.  For most of that time I wasn’t conscious of my role in creating that charged atmosphere, but after having children of my own, I began to gain some clarity on it.

Though I have a step-daughter, who is six years older than my oldest son, her influence on the sibling dynamic was greatly mitigated when she decided to move in with her father at age twelve.  In her absence, my son Patrick has generally played the role of oldest sibling.  Our twins, Andrew and Rebekah, were born before Pat’s first birthday and thus we unwittingly created the perfect storm for sibling rivalry.  As those three are now reaching their teen years, that rivalry can at times become fierce and ugly.  Though the boys have their moments, the most contention seems to exist between Patrick and Rebekah, who happens to be the youngest by 1 minute.  Though Bekah is generally a sweetheart, from a very young age she seems to have resented any input from Patrick, including his attempts to help or protect her.  This baffled me at first, because Patrick has always been very loving and not one to torment his younger siblings; but as I’ve watched, I began to see myself in Bekah’s behavior.

Like Patrick, Tom wasn’t one to torment Kevin or me.  The only thing he seemed to want from us was our respect and as the youngest brother, with a big chip on my shoulder, that was the one thing I refused to give him.  He and Kevin tended to compete on a more level field, which at times got heated; but because I really couldn’t compete with either of them, I simply developed an attitude that they couldn’t tell me what to do.  This wasn’t much of an issue in my relationship with Kevin, because he was naturally quiet and not one to give a lot of input.  But with Tom, this attitude caused me to interpret everything he said as an attempt to control me.

Looking back, I now realize that this was ultimately rooted in my own insecurities.  Tom was a genius, who spoke like a thirty-five year old, when he was in Kindergarten; Kevin was a golden haired, star athlete, who quietly got straight “A”s.  Then there was me, the near-sighted, emotional train wreck, who seemed to find trouble at every turn.  Though I never sensed that this was how my parents or my brothers viewed me, it was absolutely the view I had of myself; and that caused me to take on some misguided quest to prove my significance to them and the world.  Of course, the harder I tried, the more frustrated I became and the worse my attitude got.  Eventually, I did give up on trying to compete with my brothers and for the most part, Tom gave up on trying to say much to me.  Through our mutual love of rock and roll, we even managed to share some pretty good years of friendship through our late teens; but the bitter root of this thing was still in me.  As we moved into adulthood, it sprouted in a new way, as I somehow managed to make Tom out to be the man I didn’t want to become.  I judged him as being too serious, too rigid, too religious… and I promised myself that I’d never be like that.  For more years than I’d like to admit, it was a promise I kept.

When I was eleven, my sister Mary came along, but that didn’t really change the sibling dynamic which was already firmly established between my brothers and I.  Mary eventually grew into the best and the brightest of my parent’s children, but thankfully that happened too late for me to use it as evidence in the case I was unconsciously making against myself.  At nineteen, I joined the Navy and moved away from my family, which seemed to allow me to turn a corner in my mind.  For the first time in my life, I began to find some success and build a little self esteem.  Again, this isn’t because they were holding me down, but because of the way I saw myself in reference to them.  While this period of my life seemed to be better, it was a time when I invested my sense of significance in the wrong things (e.g. achievements, my marriage, what people said about me…).  Unwittingly, I built an emotional house of cards and in my early thirties, that house collapsed.

Once again, feeling as though I was completely lost, I cried out to God for help; and in His mercy, He made Himself real to me.  It took some years, but I slowly began to realize that my significance lies in the fact that I was made in God’s image and that He calls me His own.  Over time He’s shown me that I’m not the warped, damaged piece of goods that I’d always imaged; and that He actually created me differently for a reason.  As only He could, He convinced me that I was not the least among my brothers and that I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone.  Needless to say, it was like having an eight hundred pound weight lifted from my shoulders.

Freed from this oppressive insecurity, I began to see my brother Tom and our history as brothers, in a new light.  For the first time, I realized that Tom and I never really had a problem with each other and that ultimately, the problem had always been mine.  Though he isn’t perfect, he’s never really done anything to be worthy of my scorn or belligerence.  I can’t help but be ashamed of the way I treated him and moreover the way I thought of him throughout those years.  The truth is, you’d be hard pressed to find a finer man than my brother Tom.  He is still madly in love with his high school sweetheart Fawn; he is the father of two wonderful children (Erin and John), who both managed to find amazing spouses (Ben and Melissa); he is the grandfather of four beautiful grandchildren (with a fifth one on the way); a man of faith, whose “yes” means “yes” and whose “no” means “no”; a man who is always willing to serve and always ready to lead.  He is a man of wisdom, compassion, character and integrity; and at 50 years old, he is rich in all the ways that truly matter.  I will die a happy man if my life bears the kind of fruit that his already has.

Ultimately, I wrote this piece to not only confess my sins against my brother, but also to hopefully make others aware of this blindness that comes from sibling rivalry.  It has become somewhat of a punchline in our society to describe our families as “dysfunctional”, but it is no laughing matter.  In these last days before Christmas, there are many who dread the idea of being with their family and even some who will choose not to participate in such gatherings because of it.  It is my prayer that God will help each of us to see past these deceptions and to find the value in the people He’s placed in our lives.  I pray that one day; my own sweet daughter will understand what a precious gift her oldest brother is.  As for me, I am thankful that my eyes were opened before it was too late; and today, I’m glad to celebrate the life of my big brother Tom, who is a truly good man and worthy of such praise.

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