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Thought for the Day – The Accuser

Posted in Commentaries, Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged , , , , , on November 19, 2013| 1 Comment »

The danger for parents, preachers, teachers, and coaches is that when the people we’re trying to reach don’t respond in the way we think they ought to, we can unwittingly take on the voice of “The Accuser” (e.g. your don’t think you have to listen to me, you think you know better than me, you’re awfully quiet out there – I must be stepping on some toes, you don’t really care, you’re just lazy, you have an attitude…) .  When our zeal to get our point across provokes us this way we ultimately undermine the value of our message.  We cannot lose sight of the fact that our role is to plant and water seeds, and that only God can bring the increase.

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Pageant Girl Revisited

Posted in Free Verse / Poetry, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Social / Political, tagged , , , , , , on November 8, 2013| 3 Comments »

In my nearly half a century on the planet I’ve found that life rarely unfolds in the way that we imagine it will.  God, in His sovereignty, has His own unique way of making things happen and I’ve learned just to yield when I sense His hand at work.  In those moments it is best to be as a little child, who simply trusts the direction of his father, regardless of whether he really understands the purpose of it all.  And so it was one evening, a few years ago.  As I walked through the living room and saw about 15 seconds of a commercial for a new reality show about children’s pageants and the people who participate in them.  Within that snippet I saw a young girl (maybe 4 or 5 years old) sobbing, and her mother angrily venting her disapproval and bellowing, “I’m doing all of this for you!”  Rightly or wrongly, my immediate sense was that this woman was deceiving herself and no doubt doing untold damage to her child.

As a father of four (two boys and two girls) I was sickened at the thought of a parent who would be willing to crush their child under the weight of their own unfulfilled expectations.  Though I’d seen fathers do this to their sons on countless ball fields/courts, it was somehow even more startling to watch a mother do it to her daughter.  As my own heart grieved I sensed the grief of heaven join in and I quickly became overwhelmed with emotion.  As I closed my eyes to pray I began to feel the broken heart of this girl.  Strangely, it was not her heart in the instant that I had witnessed, but her heart years later, as she stood at the threshold of adulthood.  As I lingered in that moment, words began to flow and the following verses emerged.

Pageant Girl

Want you to know that I don’t blame you

You just wanted “the best” for me

You sacrificed so much to make me a winner

You deserved better

If I just could’ve stood a little straighter

If my hair wasn’t so stringy

All those cute little outfits

To you, sexy just meant playful

But playful meant something different to them

Anything you serve like an hors d’oeurve is bound to be devoured

If only I had been a better singer

If I just had fuller lips

I tried to smile for the camera

It’s what happened when the camera was off that made it hard

Thank God for makeup

The bruises & scars never showed

Maybe if I had been smarter

If I wasn’t so clumsy

You always said there was a price to pay

And I’ve tried hard to “live the dream”

Guess I must not have wanted it bad enough

You deserved better

If only I had been taller

If I wasn’t so flat-chested

Always in the court, but never the Queen

At nineteen, it’s already too late for me

The “1st Alternate” to the winner is still just a loser

Who could want me now?

If only I could have lost more weight

If my eyes weren’t so close together

I’m sorry for letting you down

For leaving the stage before the show is really over

I’m sorry about all of this blood on the floor

But as it weeps from my wrists, I feel strangely free

If only I could have been a daughter you could be proud of

 

It is hard to describe the profound nature of experiencing these emotions as though they were my own and maybe even harder to explain why God would allow me (a forty something year old man) to have such an experience.  The one thing I felt sure of was that I should try to legitimately speak from the heart of this precious child, and, in as much as I knew how, that is what this piece was about for me.  But after the emotion of the moment ebbed, I was faced with the daunting question of what to do with all this.  While I hoped that people might be touched by the devastating consequences of the unrealistic expectations that are so often heaped upon our children, I couldn’t help but wonder how I might answer the practical questions of where this writing came from and what made me credible to be its author.

Like a coward, I thought about sticking it into one of my many notebooks, where no one but God and I could find it.  But a dear friend reminded me that if God had indeed facilitated this experience, it must be for someone.  So I said a little prayer and posted it on my blog www.bryancorbin.com where someone might stumble upon it.  Within minutes, I received a response from a young woman, half way around the world, who said that she felt as though it had been written specifically for her.  She shared her own heartbreaking poem with me, where she cries out to a father who’d made her feel like a disappointment.  While I tried to share some uplifting words with her, our exchange was brief.  But knowing that someone had profoundly connected with it was all I needed to validate that there had been some purpose behind the whole experience.

Until recently, it has remained tucked away in the archives of my website and frankly, I had no plans to do anything more with it.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have plans of His own.  Like fresh leaves in springtime, there seems to be new life emerging from these roots and hopefully the branches will reach even further in this season.  Upon reflection, I can see that this was about more than just girls who’ve suffered through the pageant circuit.  It is really for any child who’s been made to feel like they are less than what they were created to be.  And now, instead of simply being a stark picture of the pain that comes with that, a counterpoint of hope has been set upon the horizon.  With the benefit of hindsight, I realize that all I had was a single piece of the puzzle and that it wasn’t until that was combined with other pieces that a clearer, more beautiful picture emerged.  Such is the patience of God.  I pray that all of this will be a seed of hope and healing to those who would receive it.

Please go to http://youtu.be/KQSsXAsZGX0 to watch the video put together by our dear friends Vincent Wigh and Jose Bosque, and featuring the beautiful song, “You Know Me” by Steffany Frizzell.  If this touches you, please share it with others.  God bless.

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Wayward Child

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal on November 5, 2013| 4 Comments »

This piece was written several years ago, as my twelve year old step-daughter decided to leave our home to live with her father.  As hard as it was to let her go, it was even harder when we realized that she didn’t even want to come back to visit us.  That was a painful season, but slowly things have turned.  Today, our girl has come back to us, and a lot of healing has gone on.  I decided to share this piece for those who may be living through this kind of a season now.  I encourage you not to lose hope. 

It’s late at night and you are finally asleep

This seems like the only time we can really be together

If your eyes were open, you’d quickly close the door

But for now, you are unaware of my nearness

I want so much to hold you, but I know it would be a trespass

 

As the moonlight hits your face, you still look like an angel

Just like the first time I saw you

At once that seems long ago and like it were yesterday

It started out with such promise, it began with such joy

You touched a place inside me that I didn’t know was there

My heart just fell right open at the sight of you

It still does

 

I remember when your heart would reach for me

But now there is a wall

I remember when my love was your goal

But now you seem embarrassed by me

What is it that I have done, or is it something I failed to do

It never occurred to me to guard my heart from you

I still can’t

 

I can see that you are struggling

I ache when I see you hurt

There’s still so much I want to share with you

But I’m the last one that you’ll hear

You seem to be searching everywhere for acceptance

Everywhere but here

 

I tried to hold on tight

But you’ve pried away my hands

So I stand here in the dark, holding you in my heart

Oh God in heaven help me, I’m crushed and so afraid

I see that she is drowning

But she won’t take hold of my hand

 

As I cry out in the night, the truth washes over me

I am closer to His heart than I’ve ever been

For every one of His children has gone astray

O Lord, is this how I make you feel?

God forgive me and hold me close to You

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Thought for the Day – Crushing

Posted in Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes on September 30, 2013| 1 Comment »

There are few moments in life that are as crushing as finding out that a person you fervently love doesn’t necessarily share the same feelings for you. It’s even worse when that person is your own child.

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Walking the Parenting Tightrope

Posted in Commentaries, Opinions, Parenting / Family, tagged , , , , , , on June 26, 2013| 10 Comments »

When I first got married, at the ripe old age of 19 yrs. old, I was still too much of a child to seriously consider having children of my own. Throughout my early twenties, as I listened to my peers speak of their parenting struggles, I naively wondered why handling a few small children should be such a big deal. Undoubtedly, my heavenly Father must have chuckled at the understanding of what my future held.

 

In my early thirties, my first marriage crumbled and I was grateful that at least there were no little ones to get snagged in the wreckage. A couple of years later, as a new life emerged for me, I was blessed to become a step-father and little by little the eyes of my understanding began to open. Less than a year after that came a baby boy; and less than a year after that came twins (a boy and a girl). Going 0 to 4 children in less than 24 months is something like going 0 to 60 mph in 2.4 seconds. Needless to say, the years that have followed have been a crash course in the joys and challenges of parenting.

 

Early on, it’s tempting to believe that a colicky baby, who doesn’t sleep through the night, represents a huge ordeal. But as the years pass the climb gets significantly steeper. As a child’s capacity to act independently develops and their world expands, both the possibilities and complexities compound exponentially. Though each stage of life presents its own unique set of hurdles, there is perhaps no greater ache for a parent than to watch their grown child fall headlong into a trap that they’ve been warned about since childhood, or that the parent unwittingly set them up for.

 

The pop cultural landscape is littered with countless resources for parents who are diligently seeking guidance, and while many of them do possess some degree of merit, none could rightfully be considered definitive. Each child is their own puzzle and there is no “one size fits all” approach for raising them.

 

Our three youngest children weren’t even a year apart, with two of them being twins. Additionally, they were home schooled until the 3rd/4th grade, which means that their “shared life experience” was almost identical through their “formative” years. Based on popular thinking, this consistent and stable environment should have created striking similarities in the way these kids function on a day to day basis, but nothing could be further from the truth.

 

I have found that each one thinks differently, learns differently, is inspired differently, expresses themselves differently, fears different things, has different strengths… What works well with one, is often useless with another. I have yet to find the piece of parenting advice (other than “pray without ceasing”) that can blindly be applied, and hope to be effective with every child.

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand that there truly isn’t anything new under the sun and that the struggles of today have all been encountered by previous generations. In looking to the scripture for answers, an amazingly consistent message rings out from the book of Proverbs, which is that discipline needs to be a consistent part of wise parenting. Chapter 13, verse 24 says that “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”. Chapter 22, verse 15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him”. Chapter 23, verses 13 & 14 say, “Do not withhold discipline from a child” and that punishing him will, “save his soul from death”. Finally, chapter 29, verse 15 says, “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother”.

 

Certainly, these passages sound harsh in light of our delicate, westernized, politicized sensibilities, but their truth is hard to deny. All one needs to do is to observe any person who was raised without the benefit of boundaries, consequences and discipline to understand the essentialness of these elements. The book of Hebrews expands on this topic in chapter 12, as it explains that discipline is a means that a father uses to teach a son. It also acknowledges that going through that process isn’t pleasant, but that it is ultimately for the son’s benefit.

 

If one simply focuses on those passages, a picture of the stereotypical, rigid, religious, authoritarian parenting approach can easily emerge. But a more comprehensive reading of scripture reveals a very different and far more challenging aesthetic. Throughout the New Testament, the Apostle Paul reminds us that unless love remains at the center of our motivation, our actions become of no eternal value. He also charges us with demonstrating Christ’s character in all situations, most especially before our wives and children.

 

Interestingly, in both the book of Ephesians (6:4) and Colossians (3:21), he warns that we should not provoke (i.e. embitter, exasperate) our children to wrath (i.e. anger, frustration). I don’t believe he’s saying that we should never make them angry, because as the Hebrews passage acknowledges, no one likes to be chastened.

 

I believe the key word in these passages is “provoke”. And I would submit that he is challenging us to discern between those instances when we are genuinely trying to train our kids and when we’re just taking our frustrations out on them; or when we’re simply acting out of our own woundedness; or maybe even when we’re intentionally trying to hurt them like they hurt us. I believe that they recognize the difference, and that we as parents need to as well.

 

Finding the balance of things is a daily battle for any parent. We want to convey God’s unconditional love to our children, but we also need to help them to understand consequences. We want to provide for them, but we also need to allow them to encounter enough resistance to grow strong and stand on their own two feet. We want to let them know that they can count on us, but not make them reliant on us in the process.

 

We need to develop the ability to relate to them on their level without forfeiting the authority (& responsibility) that God has given us as parents. We cannot live in fear of their disapproval, as that will keep us from ever preparing them to make their own way in the world. We need to raise them with the understanding that the season of our influence is limited and that God never intended for them to remain as children.

 

If I’ve made good parenting sound like a daunting task, that is purely intentional. It is the best and hardest job you could ever have. I believe the only way to be a truly effective parent is to tap into the wisdom and guidance of the Father of us all. The scripture says that apart from Him, we can do nothing. That is especially true of parenting.

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I Call You

Posted in Free Verse / Poetry, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family on May 1, 2013| Leave a Comment »

This came to me as I prayed for my daughters, but I feel certain that “He” meant it for all of “His” daughters.

I call you sweet melody
Because your heartstrings play a song for me
Don’t ever doubt its beauty

I call you priceless jewel
Because you’re handcrafted & one of a kind
Don’t ever doubt your worth

I call you secret garden
Because your joy is a sweet fragrance to me
Don’t ever open the gate to an intruder

I call you mighty warrior
Because I equipped you with amazing power
Don’t ever use it against yourself

I call you tiny sparrow
Because I’ve given you wings to fly
Don’t ever let them cage you

I call you hidden treasure
Because I’ve woven pure gold into the deepest parts of you
Don’t ever open your vault for a thief

I call you precious flower
Because I made you delicate and tender
Don’t ever trust a suitor who doesn’t bring gifts of water & sunlight

I call you little princess
Because your Father is a King
Don’t ever forget that you are my cherished daughter

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Thought for the Day – Give an Explicit Gift for Valentine’s Day

Posted in Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes on February 14, 2013| Leave a Comment »

The Bible says that “faith, without works, is dead”, which essentially means that a person can profess to have faith, but if it’s never acted upon, it becomes of no value. I believe the same holds true for love. We can convince ourselves that we love someone, but if those feelings are not regularly expressed or acted upon, it too becomes of little or no worth. Many of us (especially of the male persuasion) presume that our love is implicitly expressed through things like bringing home a paycheck or taking out the trash, but I would submit that this falls woefully short of the mark. Some try to compensate for that tendency by giving extravagant gifts on days like Valentine’s Day; but again, I don’t think that makes the grade. Despite the advertising campaigns, things like flowers or chocolates or even diamond rings, can only imply what you feel about someone. If you really want them to know how you feel, you must find a way to express it explicitly. If you can’t seem to articulate it with your mouth, write it down. If you’re not good with words, find a card or a song that expresses what you feel. The loved one’s in your life need for your love to be explicit (i.e. expressed clearly). There’s no better day than today to get started with that (and don’t wait another year before you try it again).

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Happy Birthday Patrick

Posted in Parenting / Family, Tributes on January 15, 2013| 2 Comments »

Today is my son Patrick’s 14th birthday and as my first (biological) child, it’s hard for me not to reflect on the day that he was born. It was a moment that I will always cherish. Looking back, it’s amazing to realize all that led up to that day and all that I didn’t see coming on the horizon. Just ten months before, I’d become a husband to Anita and a father to Katelyn (who had her twentieth birthday yesterday); and eleven & a half months after that day, we’d welcome the twins (Rebekah & Andrew). Life has never been the same and I’d never want to go back. All of our kids are beautiful in their own unique way and each have been a special kind of blessing. I’ve attached a letter, that I wrote back in the day, in an effort to capture the emotion of that moment. Happy Birthday Son; I love the man that you’re becoming!

Son Dearest Son,

It is very late in the evening, and as I write this letter you are sound asleep. The truth be told, you’ve been asleep for hours, but it was only in the last few minutes that I managed to let you go. I knew that becoming a father would be very special, but I never knew that my heart could be so full. It’s as if I’ve lived in the same two-story house for my whole life, only to discover that there’s actually a third floor. Your arrival has broken something open in me and I can’t seem to stop it from spilling out. I’ve barely been able to speak all day, but in this late hour I feel the need to try to put some things into words. I don’t know that what I’m about to write will make any sense, but it is my heart in this moment.

I guess that I should start by saying that you are the most precious thing that I’ve ever held in my hands. You have a face like an angel (just like your momma) and as your tiny hand wrapped around my finger, I just knew that you were a miracle sent from heaven. I guess that since babies are born everyday we don’t tend to think of it as miraculous, but now I understand that it is. I marvel that anyone who’s experienced this could doubt that there is a God. I feel humbled that He allowed me to be a part of it all. He surely could have given you to a better man; I hope that I don’t disappoint Him and I hope that you’re not disappointed either. I feel ill-equipped to be all that you’ll need me to be, but I am resolved to give it everything that I have. If I succeed at nothing else, I pray that you will grow up knowing how special you are and how much you are loved.

As much as I want to do & be everything for you, I realize that my influence on your life will only be for a season; and that long before I’m ready, you’ll be a man, making his own way in the world. In the time that I have, there is so much about life that I hope to teach you. I wish that I could tell you that it is how I’ve lived my life, but sometimes the way to discover what is true is to first figure out what is false. Unfortunately, I’ve learned many things that way in my lifetime. It is my hope that you will be a better man than I have been, so I will try to teach you the truth, even the parts that I haven’t lived yet. The thing about truth is that even though it can be a hard pill to swallow, it ultimately sets you free. I pray that the truth will always be welcomed in your life, because a man who deceives himself is incapable of being honest with anyone else.

I wish I could tell you that this new world you’ve come to is some sort of paradise, but honestly this life can be pretty hard. There is fear and pain and evil here, and things aren’t always fair. But son, there is also goodness and beauty and love in this world, and if you’ll watch for it, you’ll find it everywhere. God left His fingerprints on everything and if you’ll notice them, it will remind you that He’s always close by. Try not to keep score on how many good things or bad things happen in your life; be quick to forgive and to admit when you’re wrong, so that you can move past the hurtful things; and take time to enjoy and celebrate what is beautiful. Try to be the kind of person who builds up instead of tearing down, and who gives more than they’re looking to get. Always remember that the most miserable life you can live is one that is all about yourself.

As I held you today, my mind was filled with images of all the things that you might become; but honestly, I just want you to become whoever you were created to be. And the only one who can really get you there is the One who created you. Don’t worry when people tell you that believing in God is a crutch; the truth is that we all need something to lean on and if you look closely, you’ll see that everyone has some sort of crutch. The difference is that those other crutches don’t have the ability to bring peace or hope into your life. God means for us to lean on Him, which is why He only offers “daily bread”; because He wants us to come back every day. You see God is love and in the end that’s what it all boils down to; it is our deepest need, our strongest motivation, our greatest joy and ultimately what life is all about.

I guess it seems strange to be thinking about the end of your life on the day that it’s beginning, but if we understood from the start what will matter at the end, I think it would change how we lived in between. Don’t worry about what you don’t know; that’s what faith is for. Don’t worry about the ways that you will fall short; that’s what grace is for. Don’t worry what other people believe about you; just be careful what you choose to believe about yourself. Don’t get caught up in what this world calls success, because a man who is driven by the need for success is destined to be pursued by the fear of failure. Don’t let your heart be swayed by this world’s conception of beauty; the most beautiful face you’ll ever see is the one that looks back at you in love. Don’t be afraid to believe in what you can’t see or explain; it’s only the invisible things that really last and only the things that are bigger than we can comprehend that stir up our ability to hope.

I guess I can’t try to fit a whole lifetimes worth of advice into your first day. Now that I’ve written all of this down, I’m not really sure what to do with it. Maybe someday you’ll read it and more than heeding all of the advice, I hope you’ll have some greater understanding of how your arrival changed my life. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be called your father, but I also know that before I held you in my hands today, you were in the hands of “The Father” and long after I’m gone, He will still be your Father. I pray that nothing I ever do will distort your view of Him, because even if I fail you, He never will. I love you son, I’m so glad that you’re here. God sure did a great job when He made you. I hope you will one day understand the miracle that you are.
With All of My Love – Dad

* * The sentiments that I expressed in this letter are no less true for any of my other children (including my step-daughter), but you can only experience the” first time” once and so this writing simply centers on that moment

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Happy Birthday Big Brother!

Posted in Parenting / Family, Personal, Tributes on December 4, 2012| 2 Comments »

Today is my brother Kevin’s 50th birthday and it seems like a good time to reflect on all that his life has meant to me. I suppose that I could do what a lot of siblings do and wait until his funeral to say something nice, but for me that is a trend worth bucking.  Kevin is just 372 days older than me and through a quirk in the government education system (we lived in Germany at the time) we wound up in the same grade throughout school.  For most of those years we shared a room, played on the same sports teams and had a lot of the same friends.  Despite that closeness, no one ever mistook us for twins.  Kevin was a blond haired, blue eyed, athletic type; who looked a lot like my dad.  While I was a smallish kid, with much darker hair and looked a lot like my mom.  Beyond just our appearance, Kevin seemed to be almost stoic compared to my emotionally volatile persona.  Generally, you had to pull words from him, whereas you’d be more apt to stick a sock in my mouth just to shut me up.  He tended to do most things well, while I frequently turned things into somewhat of a crisis.  As I watch my own kids interact with each other, I have a new appreciation for how patient both he and my brother Tom were with me.  I had a big time chip on my shoulder about being the youngest and I deserved a thumping a lot more frequently than I got one.  Despite the occasion scrum, I derived a great deal of security from my relationship with Kevin; as a matter of fact, when we were little, I’d crawl into bed with him when I was afraid.  In those moments, he could have paid me back for my often bad attitude, but I never recall him making me feel small.  I doubt that many annoying little brothers could make such a claim.

Surprisingly, Kevin didn’t stick with college any longer than I did and shortly after that, we joined the Navy together.  Just after boot camp, we went our separate ways, as I headed for the submarine fleet and Kevin headed for an aircraft carrier (i.e. the USS Enterprise).  We’ve not lived in the same area for any appreciable amount of time since then and we’ve both stayed busy raising our families.  Despite the miles and years, our sense of closeness has never really diminished.  Kevin is good about keeping in touch and we see each other when we can.  Both of our lives have taken some unexpected turns along the way and it’s been good to have someone you can trust in those seasons.  At 50, Kevin finds himself at somewhat of a crossroads, which I pray is the opening of a great new chapter in his life.  Whatever the coming days bring, I am grateful for all the years we’ve already had.  God knew from beginning that I’d need a lot of help and Kevin was undoubtedly part of His plan.  As we share the journey of discovering who God made us to be, I feel certain that He will continue to meet us along the way; and I pray that I can be as big a blessing to Kevin as he has been to me.  Happy Birthday big brother!

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Thought for the Day – Becoming a Man

Posted in Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes on October 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

My oldest son officially became a teenager this year and over the summer he was excited to find out that his feet had grown bigger than mine.  I suspect in the next year or two he’ll weigh more than I do as well.  These changes have got him thinking about becoming an adult and the other day he asked, “Dad, when will I know that I’ve become a man?”  I took a few seconds to ponder my answer and said, “You’ll know that you’ve grown up when you can take care of yourself and you’ll know that you’re a man when you can take care of someone else”.

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