As parents, we can push our kids toward who we want them to be, or we can help them to discover who they were created to be.
Posts Tagged ‘parenting’
Thought for the Day – Parents
Posted in Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged parenting, parents on April 15, 2019| Leave a Comment »
Thought for the Day – My Mother
Posted in Commentaries, Parenting / Family, Personal, Thought for the Day / Quotes, Tributes, tagged hurtful choices, Mother's Day, parenting, prayers of protection, problem child, refused to give up, tribute on May 9, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Clearly, I meant to post this yesterday. But, as is so often the case, things got away from me.
Over the years I’ve written a few tributes to my father, but I don’t recall ever doing so for my mom. I’m sure this has to do with the fact that my dad contracted a terminal illness (and passed away) at a relatively young age. But honor shouldn’t be reserved for the dead, and kind words ought not be saved for eulogies. So on the occasion of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be fitting to share a few thoughts about my mother.
My parents had four children, three stair step boys, and then, more than a decade removed, a daughter. I was the bottom rung of the first wave, and easily my parents most challenging kid. My oldest brother was one of those precocious children, who talked as though he was 35 years old by the time he was six. Our middle brother was quiet, but did well in school, and excelled at every sport he ever played (My grandmother actually referred to him as her “Golden Boy”). And then, I came along. Blind as a bat, emotionally unstable, and full of imagination; I was literally walking into walls by the time I reached school age. Between struggles in the classroom, skirmishes on the playground, and little brother meltdowns, I was a kid who required a lot of parenting. And because of my father’s demanding Air Force career, the lion’s share of that fell to my mom. I have no doubt that it was at times exasperating, and exhausting to deal with me. Lord knows, that was the way it felt to be me. But my mother was never one to shrink back from a challenge, and she wouldn’t let me do so either. As much as I wanted to accept the rather overwhelming evidence that I was simply an inferior model, she was having none of it. She made it her mission to ensure that all of her kids would be ready to face to the world, and little by little, I began to pull out of my tailspin.
Unfortunately, just about the time I grew strong enough to stand on my own two feet, I began to drift into things that my parents had strictly forbidden. My weak sense of identity caused me to look for the place that I fit in, and resulted in me trying a little bit of everything. In those years, I made many disappointing and hurtful choices, but my parents stuck with me. My mom’s persistent belief, and her prayers of protection, were without a doubt a key to surviving that season. Though I broke her heart many times, she refused to give up on me.
It took some years, but the seeds that were planted throughout my life finally took root, and things began to turn. God finally convinced me that my mother had been right all along, and that I wasn’t some sort of defective piece of machinery. In His grace, God allowed me to become a father, where I gained a new appreciation for the kind of love it takes to raise a kid like me. As I look back, I can’t help but think that God gave me to a mother that He knew would be strong enough to fight the battles, and persistent enough to go the distance. Indeed, my mother is an extraordinary person, whose love for me has made all the difference. If not for her, I would not have become the man that I am today.
As I look back, I thank God for the love that she and my father shared, which showed us that marriage was meant to last a lifetime. I thank God that she refused to raise boys who sit around in the underwear, watch cartoons and don’t know the first thing about taking care of themselves (or anyone else). And I thank God that after years of dealing with my disarray, He rewarded my parents with their best kid, my sister.
Happy Mother’s Day mom!
Thought for the Day – The Village Voice
Posted in Commentaries, Parenting / Family, Thought for the Day / Quotes, tagged inspiration, it takes a village, parenting, teachers on May 13, 2015| Leave a Comment »
I have to admit that I’m not particularly fond of the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” My disdain for this phrase is rooted in the fact that it is too often used as a rationalization for disengaged parenting, and by social engineers, who are trying to disguise their political agenda as some sort of genuine concern for the welfare of children. Despite that, I can’t deny that there is also a measure of profound truth within this idiom. As the father of four, I’ve always endeavored to maintain a daily presence in the lives of my children, and to have a separate relationship with each one of them. For the most part, I’ve lived up to that expectation, but I’ve also discovered that there are instances, and seasons, when the kids need something, or someone, else. At times, parents are too close to the situation to be objective; sometimes our fears cause us to push too hard, or maybe not hard enough. Sometimes we’ve done all we know how to do, and we need to introduce a new element into the situation. And sometimes our kids just need to hear it from someone else.
Years ago, our youngest daughter (Bekah) was struggling with reading, and we discovered that she had issues with her eyesight. Upon addressing her vision problems, we knew that she needed help to get her reading level back up to where it belonged. Unfortunately, by this time she was already highly frustrated with our persistent attempts to assist her, and things weren’t progressing well. Thankfully, we found a wonderful lady (Mary) who was willing to work with her, and they very quickly formed a special bond. Though it took a little time, her reading and writing steadily improved, and within a few years she had regained both her confidence and competence. By then, their relationship had become so strong that she continued to go each week, and to work on other subjects as well. Over time this amazing lady became much more than a tutor, and we have come to view her as a special part of our family. In recent years, Bekah has blossomed as a reader, writer, and student. She is currently a Freshman in High School, where she’s maintained her grades on the High Honor Roll (>3.5 GPA) all year, and where she was recently awarded a scholarship for winning an essay contest. At this point, she reads and writes more than our other three kids combined. But more than the improved academic performance, Mary’s loving investment in Bekah as a person has paid untold dividends. Years from now, I’ve no doubt that Bekah will remember this beloved friend and teacher as one of the greatest influences in her life.
Similarly, there have been many other teachers, coaches, youth group leaders, neighbors… who’ve had a profound influence on our kids. When our son Andrew was younger, he played basketball for a coach who absolutely destroyed his confidence. After that experience, he decided that even though he loved the game, he just wasn’t cut out to play. Despite our encouragement to give it another try, he wasn’t willing to do it; and for years he didn’t. But as fate would have it, the new high school basketball coach became his homeroom teacher, and he saw potential in Andrew. It was his encouragement that convinced our son to give it another try, and last Fall, he was a starter on the Freshman team.
More recently, after our son Patrick made the high school’s baseball team, he had the chance to be a part of the school’s Spring musical, “Guys & Dolls”. Initially he felt sure his coaches would never allow him to miss practices, and maybe even games, to participate in the play. But to his great surprise, the coach acknowledged what a great opportunity this was for Patrick, and allowed him to both stay on the team, and to try out for the musical. At the first try out for the play, he only went for a small part, believing that was all he was qualified for. But during the call back, his Choir teacher asked why he hadn’t tried out for one of the leads. Patrick explained that since he sang bass in the choir, and that all of the leading parts were for tenors, he didn’t think he could do them. His teacher then expressed her confidence in his voice, and challenged him to go for the more substantial role of “Nicely, Nicely Johnson.” Inspired by her vote of confidence, Patrick took the challenge, and got the part. After months of hard work, he and the rest of cast gave two spectacular performances this weekend. It is an experience that he will remember for the rest of his life, and it could very well open up new avenues for him in the future. Had his baseball coach been more worried about wins & loses than about Patrick, he might never have gotten the chance to tryout. If his Choir teacher had not recognized his potential, and encouraged him to reach for it, Pat might never have discovered it.
As a parent, I am grateful for these, and the many other wonderful, people who reach out to our children. As much as I want to be there for them, I must acknowledge that they often need things that I can’t necessarily give them. My vote of confidence in Bekah’s ability to read, or Andrew’s ability to play basketball, or Patrick’s ability to sing/perform, wasn’t enough to get them over that mountain. But thankfully, there were people who stepped into those areas and made the difference. Just as people have reached out to our children, we’ve learned to reach out to other children within our community. It is an opportunity to return the blessing that we’ve received. Even though I still cringe when I say it, it really does take a village to raise a child, and to that end, I want to thank all of you who’ve been such a special part of our village.
Walking the Parenting Tightrope
Posted in Commentaries, Opinions, Parenting / Family, tagged chastened, discipline, parenting, provoke, provoke to wrath, raising children, spare the rod on June 26, 2013| 10 Comments »
When I first got married, at the ripe old age of 19 yrs. old, I was still too much of a child to seriously consider having children of my own. Throughout my early twenties, as I listened to my peers speak of their parenting struggles, I naively wondered why handling a few small children should be such a big deal. Undoubtedly, my heavenly Father must have chuckled at the understanding of what my future held.
In my early thirties, my first marriage crumbled and I was grateful that at least there were no little ones to get snagged in the wreckage. A couple of years later, as a new life emerged for me, I was blessed to become a step-father and little by little the eyes of my understanding began to open. Less than a year after that came a baby boy; and less than a year after that came twins (a boy and a girl). Going 0 to 4 children in less than 24 months is something like going 0 to 60 mph in 2.4 seconds. Needless to say, the years that have followed have been a crash course in the joys and challenges of parenting.
Early on, it’s tempting to believe that a colicky baby, who doesn’t sleep through the night, represents a huge ordeal. But as the years pass the climb gets significantly steeper. As a child’s capacity to act independently develops and their world expands, both the possibilities and complexities compound exponentially. Though each stage of life presents its own unique set of hurdles, there is perhaps no greater ache for a parent than to watch their grown child fall headlong into a trap that they’ve been warned about since childhood, or that the parent unwittingly set them up for.
The pop cultural landscape is littered with countless resources for parents who are diligently seeking guidance, and while many of them do possess some degree of merit, none could rightfully be considered definitive. Each child is their own puzzle and there is no “one size fits all” approach for raising them.
Our three youngest children weren’t even a year apart, with two of them being twins. Additionally, they were home schooled until the 3rd/4th grade, which means that their “shared life experience” was almost identical through their “formative” years. Based on popular thinking, this consistent and stable environment should have created striking similarities in the way these kids function on a day to day basis, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I have found that each one thinks differently, learns differently, is inspired differently, expresses themselves differently, fears different things, has different strengths… What works well with one, is often useless with another. I have yet to find the piece of parenting advice (other than “pray without ceasing”) that can blindly be applied, and hope to be effective with every child.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand that there truly isn’t anything new under the sun and that the struggles of today have all been encountered by previous generations. In looking to the scripture for answers, an amazingly consistent message rings out from the book of Proverbs, which is that discipline needs to be a consistent part of wise parenting. Chapter 13, verse 24 says that “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”. Chapter 22, verse 15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him”. Chapter 23, verses 13 & 14 say, “Do not withhold discipline from a child” and that punishing him will, “save his soul from death”. Finally, chapter 29, verse 15 says, “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother”.
Certainly, these passages sound harsh in light of our delicate, westernized, politicized sensibilities, but their truth is hard to deny. All one needs to do is to observe any person who was raised without the benefit of boundaries, consequences and discipline to understand the essentialness of these elements. The book of Hebrews expands on this topic in chapter 12, as it explains that discipline is a means that a father uses to teach a son. It also acknowledges that going through that process isn’t pleasant, but that it is ultimately for the son’s benefit.
If one simply focuses on those passages, a picture of the stereotypical, rigid, religious, authoritarian parenting approach can easily emerge. But a more comprehensive reading of scripture reveals a very different and far more challenging aesthetic. Throughout the New Testament, the Apostle Paul reminds us that unless love remains at the center of our motivation, our actions become of no eternal value. He also charges us with demonstrating Christ’s character in all situations, most especially before our wives and children.
Interestingly, in both the book of Ephesians (6:4) and Colossians (3:21), he warns that we should not provoke (i.e. embitter, exasperate) our children to wrath (i.e. anger, frustration). I don’t believe he’s saying that we should never make them angry, because as the Hebrews passage acknowledges, no one likes to be chastened.
I believe the key word in these passages is “provoke”. And I would submit that he is challenging us to discern between those instances when we are genuinely trying to train our kids and when we’re just taking our frustrations out on them; or when we’re simply acting out of our own woundedness; or maybe even when we’re intentionally trying to hurt them like they hurt us. I believe that they recognize the difference, and that we as parents need to as well.
Finding the balance of things is a daily battle for any parent. We want to convey God’s unconditional love to our children, but we also need to help them to understand consequences. We want to provide for them, but we also need to allow them to encounter enough resistance to grow strong and stand on their own two feet. We want to let them know that they can count on us, but not make them reliant on us in the process.
We need to develop the ability to relate to them on their level without forfeiting the authority (& responsibility) that God has given us as parents. We cannot live in fear of their disapproval, as that will keep us from ever preparing them to make their own way in the world. We need to raise them with the understanding that the season of our influence is limited and that God never intended for them to remain as children.
If I’ve made good parenting sound like a daunting task, that is purely intentional. It is the best and hardest job you could ever have. I believe the only way to be a truly effective parent is to tap into the wisdom and guidance of the Father of us all. The scripture says that apart from Him, we can do nothing. That is especially true of parenting.
Winning Attitudes, Adolescence and the Epic Fail
Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, tagged baseball, Coaching, disaster, failure, parenting, psyche on April 28, 2012| 2 Comments »
Yesterday evening provided one of those memorable moments in parenting, as I helplessly watched my twelve year old son endure a very public and painfully humiliating moment. His little league team, which I help coach, was in the final inning of what had been a good game for them. They’d played pretty well and had a 9-4 lead as the inning began. All they needed to do was get three outs and the game would be over.
This represented a big step forward from their first game, where they’d not played well and had lost by 10 runs. After that game, we (i.e. the coaches) had chided them about not being more focused and taking things more seriously; and to their credit they seemed to respond well in this game. At the end of the previous inning, we’d had to change pitchers, which is always a precarious endeavor with twelve year olds; and though our reliever looked a little shaky, we managed to make it out of that inning.
Though my son Andrew (AJ) has been lobbying the head coach for a chance to pitch throughout the spring, it didn’t really look like he’d be needed for this game, and as his father, that was a relief. Coming in late, with the game on the line is a lot of pressure for anyone; especially a kid whose never been a part of the regular pitching rotation. AJ is a capable pitcher, but he’s an excellent shortstop, and I would have been just as happy to see him finish the game at that position.
Unfortunately, our reliever from the previous inning continued to struggle, eventually walking in multiple runs and leaving the bases loaded, with no outs. The head coach really had no choice but to make a change, and so AJ got the call.
AJ is a pretty confident guy, and to him this was an opportunity to be a hero. Baseball has always come pretty naturally to him, and I’m sure that he could envision himself striking out the side and saving the game. I tend to be more of a pessimist, so I couldn’t ignore the very real possibility of disaster, though I prayed that I would be wrong.
His first few pitches seemed OK, but then things began to slowly unravel. Though he was able to get the first couple of strikes on a batter, he couldn’t seem to deliver strike three. Several times, he bore down and wound up hitting the batter with the pitch. Every mistake cost another run and was another blow to his now crumbling psyche. For a parent, it was like watching your child slowly boil in oil. As coaches, we’d have loved to take him out of that situation, but we had no one else with game experience. Since we still had an at bat, the inning had to keep going until the third out.
Though he did manage to get a couple of outs, the last one seemed to elude him. Even when he was able to field a ground ball, which was an easy toss to 1st base, he second guessed himself, (remembering that the bases were loaded) deciding to throw the ball to home plate instead. The catcher, assuming that the throw was going to first, wasn’t ready, and so the misery continued.
After hitting more batters with pitches, the head coach again had no choice but to put in someone else, as AJ tearfully returned to shortstop. To add insult in injury, a line drive got past him there, before the inning ended; with the score now 15-9. Though we managed a couple of hits in our last at bat, the final score was 15-10.
Much worse than the loss, was the sight of my precious son, emotionally in pieces as we left the park. AJ is an achiever, who generally does well at anything he puts his mind to, and so he hasn’t faced many moments like this. As a father and as a coach, it’s hard to know what to say. It strikes me that this could be a watershed moment, both for him and for his team. We’re only two games into the season and things aren’t looking good.
The question is what are we going to do about it? A lot of coaching at this level seems to be aimed at fostering a “winning attitude” in the kids, and to be sure, they need to believe that they can have success if they’re going to be successful. But that belief by itself won’t get the job done. AJ believed he could pitch us out of the inning and despite his best efforts, it didn’t happen. Ironically, I’ve heard many a coach yell at a young pitcher, “Pitch Strikes!”, as if they’re not really trying; when, like AJ, the problem is that they’re trying way too hard.
It’s not that they lack the “will to win” or a “winning attitude”, it’s that they aren’t really prepared to face the pressure of the moment. In truth, everyone has the desire to win, it’s just that most of us aren’t willing to endure the necessary preparation that it takes to succeed when such an opportunity presents itself. This is true in AJ’s case. What he’s achieved on the ball field has largely been based on his natural ability. He’s likes the idea of pitching or hitting home runs, but he rarely practices those aspects of his game. He’s come to the place where his level of commitment and hard work is now being tested.
One disastrous inning does not erase all that he’s achieved up to now, but how he responds to it will set the tone for what he achieves in the future. The same is true for us as coaches; how we respond to this disappointment will undoubtedly shape the rest of our season. If all we do is bear down on the kids, we’re likely to get similar results to AJ’s efforts to pitch strike three, and as such, risk getting someone hurt. Our challenge is to find ways to better prepare them for the opportunities that are sure to arise throughout the rest of the year.
It seems to me that fathers and coaches often struggle in these moments. They want so much for their kids to be successful, that they often lose perspective. Events, such as last night’s game, will hopefully cause us to take a step back and to regain the context within which we’re working. These are eleven and twelve year old boys; they are emotional, impulsive, easily distracted, and in desperate need of guidance. Though we can see their amazing potential, we cannot lose sight of their very real limitations.
Most of them won’t play this game past this level, and possibly none of them will play beyond their school years. That means that the lessons they learn from us must transcend the game of baseball. Every one of them are going to encounter moments in their lifetime when they are like the batter facing a full count, or the outfielder who dropped the fly ball, or the pitcher who just gave up the winning run. Helping them to be ready for those moments is a far more worthy cause than the pursuit of a little league trophy, that is sure to gather dust before they eat their next bite of Thanksgiving turkey.
Too often, we’re not willing to accept failure, when failure is a natural part of everyday life. Major league players, who make millions, and who’ve been amongst the best of their peers for twenty plus years, still strikeout and make errors. Why should we be so surprised and offended when our twelve year olds do the same?
I believe that helping them to understand that there will be disappointments, and preparing them to deal with those setbacks, is an essential part of helping them find success. When you consider that a batter is classified as a good hitter if his batting average is over .300, then how he handles the other .700 becomes a critical factor. If we, as fathers and coaches, simply yell and scream when we don’t get the desired results, we’re teaching these young boys that this is how you deal with failure. For the sake of our children, we need to do better than that.
When AJ came off the field last night in tears, I didn’t tell him not to cry. I understood that it hurt, and that it would be unreasonable to ask him to stop. I just hugged him and let him cry. He’s a great kid and I’m proud of him. I wish last night would have turned out differently, but I’ll just throw that on the pile of all the other wishes that never came true.
I believe that AJ is a good ball player and that the sky’s the limit for him, but only if he’s willing to work hard at it. He may not love, or be committed enough to baseball for that to happen: and if so, these will probably be the last few years he plays. I’m OK with that too. He has endless potential in so many other things that I don’t have much invested in his baseball career. My job, is to help him find that potential, and to walk in it.
Just like coaching baseball, it is a job that I don’t necessarily feel qualified for, but it’s definitely one I’m committed to. Though everyone was kind to us as we made our way to the car last night, I couldn’t help but wish that the name on the back of my jersey would have said “AJ’s Dad” instead of just “Coach”. I believe in him, whether he ever throws strike three or not. I love that kid, and I pray that I can help him grow stronger from all of this.
Bjcorbin's Blog 
10 Things that Become Apparent When You Become a Parent
Posted in Commentaries, Lists, Opinions, Parenting / Family, tagged boundaries, do as I say, doting, fear, parenting, perfection, prepare, yelling on September 13, 2016| Leave a Comment »
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