Bjcorbin's Blog

We seem to be in a season where people all around us are contemplating marriage, getting engaged, getting married, and unfortunately, getting divorced. As I’ve been praying for many of these folks, I was reminded of some things I’ve picked up along the way. These particular lists are more than a few years old, but I believe they still ring true today.

10 Thoughts for My Future Son and/or Daughter In-Laws

As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life.  Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws.  Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members.  After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!

1. This marriage is going to cost you!  I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice.  If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.
2. I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it.  I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart.  If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.
3. Get ready to be disappointed.  I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance, and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love, but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that.  There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way, and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage.  I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.
4. I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer.  In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie.  While I do understand that your life will be your own, and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children.  That does not mean that I will be against you, or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse.  It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.
5. Remember where the hole was.  There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled.  One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted.  Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.
6. Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life.  Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage.  The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives.  If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat.  It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.
7. Honesty is still the best policy.  If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships.  It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation.  Just be honest from the beginning.  That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.
8. The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have.   If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk.  Relationships work the same way.  Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.
9. Put all your eggs in one basket.  Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex.  Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children.  Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate.  If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.
10. God has a destiny for my child.  It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it.  If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.

Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted. 

Some things go without saying.  If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.

10 Keys To A Better Marriage

The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise.  Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound.  As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic.  I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.

1. Make a covenant with your eyes:  Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same.  Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society.  As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse.  As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way.  In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin. 
2. We were meant to complete, not compete:  In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve.  I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage.  He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team.  Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided.  As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture.  There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).
3. Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience:  Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”.  Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do.  If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.
4. Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist:  In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family.  Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet.  If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve.  In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.
5. Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law:  While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think.  At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”.  If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be.  As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them.  If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.
6. Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom:  While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships.  All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear.  Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes.  When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.
7. Don’t confuse love and bodily functions:  In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world.  In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world.  Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas.  I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”.  As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated.  The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits.  In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling.  If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them.  They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you.  If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you.  In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice.  Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable.  Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect.  My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired.  We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.
8. Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”:  These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages.  It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too.  In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even a little disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us.  Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs.  While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other.  As Christians we need to seek to live these words out.  If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.
9. Throw away your scorecard:  The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us.  We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.
10. Nobody can make you happy:  We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”.  They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life.  God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him.  We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself.  It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.