At the time of this writing, my two youngest granddaughters are 2 and 3 years old respectively. Though they are cousins, they have spent a tremendous amount of their young lives together, and relate to each other more like siblings. When they are apart, they pine away for each other, and whenever they come together, it is with great enthusiasm and affection. But I’ve noticed that it doesn’t take very long for that initial excitement to wear off, and for contentiousness to rise up in its place.
It tends to start with one of them noticing what the other one has in their hands, or maybe what they’re wearing, and wanting it for themselves. In such moments, you can offer them something else, but once they get their eyes (and hearts) fixed on that one “thing”, it becomes the only thing that will do. There can be doll houses, and scooters, and stuffed animals, but they will suddenly be in a death match over some little plastic piece from yesterday’s Happy Meal.
One may like hamburgers, while the other prefers chicken nuggets, but when they’re together they insist on having whatever the other one is having, even if they won’t actually eat it. If you don’t get them both the same thing, one will feel as though you have somehow favored the other, and treated them unfairly.
When we have only one of the girls, they can go through long stretches of the day being fairly content, but when they are together, it is difficult to go 15 minutes without some form of conflict. Despite their genuine affection for each other, this endless cycle of comparing, coveting and competing tends to steal the joy of their time together.
Anyone who has spent much time around toddlers, or young children would likely attest to the fact that this kind of behavior is typical, especially amongst children who grow up together (e.g. siblings). But something that is rarely acknowledged is how intact this pattern carries over into our adult interactions. While we may eventually learn not to throw ourselves on the floor and cry over the sippy cup, we often remain just as prone to our emotional tantrums, which can be even more destructive than those of our childhood.
This becomes most evident when we try to gather with people we claim to care about, whether that is our family, our neighbors, or in our churches. Though we enthusiastically endorse the concepts of tight-knit families, healthy communities, and Christian fellowship, we struggle to achieve or sustain any of them. Like my granddaughters, we like the idea of being together, yet rarely experience the fulfillment that was meant to accompany it; because like them, we fall into this perilous cycle.
Jesus said the way people would be able to distinguish His followers from other groups would be by the way they loved one another, and that is a standard the “Christian” community has rarely risen to. Indeed, “church people” are more typically known for their divisive and contentious behavior.
While some might want to rationalize that this is simply a maturity issue, I would beg to differ. In my experience, the most seasoned congregants are frequently the most zealously quarrelsome, and sadly, gatherings of religious leaders are generally the clearest example of the compare-covet-compete dynamic.
As western Christianity continues to abandon concepts like dying to self, and being transformed into Christ’s image, in favor of promoting ideals like empowerment, and self-actualization, this issue is bound to get worse. “Self” is the toxin that ultimately poisons unity.
We see this played out in the entertainment world, as young musicians band together in order to create something transcendent. At first, they openly share their gifts, and often go through years of struggle together to achieve their dreams. But upon finding success, this bond is frequently destroyed by power struggles, greed and envy.
Similarly, young athletes will often team together in pursuit of a championship. On the way up, players will make sacrifices and accept the role the team needs them to play. But after a taste of success, everyone wants to be treated like a star, and the team chemistry is destroyed.
As disciples of Christ, we cannot afford to continue to fall into this standard pattern of human behavior. Unless and until we confront the issue of “self”, we have no hope of ever functioning as a body, where each part provides something for the greater good of the whole (Rom.12:3-8, 1Cor.12:12-26).
Bjcorbin's Blog 
Finding God’s Favor
Posted in Commentaries, Tributes, tagged aggressiveness, beloved, childlike, children, compassion, cynicism, faith, frolicking, grandchildren, Heart, innocence, intellect, intelligence, nurture, nurturing, partner, sensitivity, sibling, smart, transformation, vulnerabilities, wife, wisdom on May 26, 2025| 1 Comment »
Like most kids who grew up in the 1960’s and 70’s, my parents had home movies they’d occasionally pull out and show on a big projector screen. One that particularly sticks out in my mind is of my brothers and I playing on the street in front of my grandmother’s house in Brooklyn. It was a cold, dreary looking day, and we were all in our winter coats, but we were running around with the sort of abandon that only young children seem to possess.
I believe that I was about 5 yrs old in the film, which would make my brothers 6 yrs and 7 yrs old. In particular it was my brother Tom (the oldest sibling) who stood out. His big eyes and childlike manner in these movies were such a sharp contrast to the serious and pragmatic fellow he would eventually become. These old reels were some of the only evidence that he’d not really started out that way.
Life has a way of pushing back against innocence and cultivating cynicism. And for little boys, wide eyed compassion and sensitivity aren’t generally a sustainable course. Very quickly it becomes clear that having such emotions or at least allowing folks to know that you have them, is a precarious path to take. Early on, it becomes a matter of survival to learn how to hide your vulnerabilities and to always come from a position of strength. For many young men that manifests in a form of aggressiveness that is generally accepted for young males. For my brother Tom, it manifested in the form of intellect.
My brother had a brilliant mind and was usually one of the smartest guys in the room. He also had the ability to express himself, which made his intelligence harder to ignore. Because my father was in the Air Force, we changed schools constantly, but wherever we’d go my brother would quickly be viewed as the smartest kid in the class. As the sensitive nurturing elements of his personality receded into dormancy, the power of his mind emerged. He wasn’t just smart, he was a born leader, and soon that was all you could see.
As a younger brother, who had no desire to be led by someone I thought of as a peer, I just viewed him as overbearing and bossy. By the time we got to high school, his identity as the smart kid was already set in stone, and he further solidified it by dating the smartest girl in school. In those days, if you had asked anyone who knew my brother to describe him with three adjectives, his intelligence would have been referenced with the first word.
Forty-five years later, as I sat through the various memorial services celebrating my brother’s (too short) life, I suddenly recalled those scenes of us frolicking on the street as kids, and I realized that not one person had made a singular reference to his intelligence. Indeed, there was barely any mention of the impressive work he had done at Ball Aerospace (e.g., the Hubble Telescope, the Mars Rover), or any of his other accomplishments.
As the montage of pictures scrolled across the screen, they were mostly scenes of Tom with his grandchildren, or his god children, or dear friends, or with his beloved wife. In many of them he was dressed funny and clearly goofing around with that same sort of abandon that we’d had as children.
When people eulogized him, it was his warmth, compassion, faith, and wisdom they spoke of. And I found myself wondering how this transformation had occurred. What was it that allowed my brother’s true heart to re-emerge over all these years.
The short and simple answer is that the God who gave Him that heart, also worked throughout his life to preserve it. But at the center of God’s plan was Tom’s beloved wife Fawn.
By the time they’d met in high school, Tom had developed a pretty sharp edge to his personality, yet around her, he was like Jello. He was crazy about her from day one, and she was not the type of person to use that as leverage against him. If there were ever two people who seemed destined for each other, it was these two, and absolutely no one was surprised that they married and spent a lifetime together.
Looking back, I realize that because Fawn loved my brother for who he was, she made it safe for the nurturing, loving, playful part of his heart to re-emerge. Because she routinely engaged that part of his being, it regained strength and eventually became the hallmark of his legacy. Though it sounds cliche, she brought out the best in him. And to his credit, I believe that he did that for her as well.
As I pondered all this, I couldn’t help but think that this is exactly what God had in mind for marriage. That these unions were meant to amount to more than just the sum of the parts. That both partners would help each other become the people they were created to be.
If Tom had chosen to spend his life with someone who only related to him on an intellectual level, he may well have become a stoic recluse. Thankfully, he found a loving soul, who was full of spirit, and every bit his intellectual equal. She loved his heart and nurtured it throughout their years together.
In my brother’s final days, the room was filled with people who loved him and whose lives had been touched by his. And right by his side was his beloved partner Fawn. Though we could wish for more days, it would be hard to imagine a better way to finish the race.
He who finds a wife of worth, receives the favor of the Lord (Prov.18:22)
A wife of noble character is worth far more than rubies (Prov.31:10)
Rate this:
Read Full Post »