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Talking Politics with a 5th Grader

Posted in Commentaries, Opinions, Parenting / Family, Personal, Social / Political on November 9, 2010| 9 Comments »

Last Wednesday morning (11/03/2010), as the results of the mid-term elections were announced on the car radio, I noticed that my 10 year old son was watching for my reaction.  Apparently my lack of response stirred his curiosity and we had a conversation that went something like this:

“Dad, are we Republicans or Democrats?” he asked.

“Neither,” I replied.

“Don’t you have to be one or the other?” he continued.

“No, you don’t have to be a member of a political party if you don’t want to be,” I said.

“Don’t you like any of them?” he said.

“I don’t like any of them enough to join them or to vote for their candidate’s every time.  None of them really represent what I believe in, so it’s better for me to look at every candidate and to decide which is the one I want to vote for,” I explained.

“What’s the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats?” he asked.

I had to smile at that question, as I answered, “It’s not always clear son.  Generally, Republicans feel like less government means more freedom, so they tend to want to limit how involved the government gets in the lives of the people; while Democrats tend to be more concerned about social issues and feel as though the government has a duty to get involved in the lives of the people.  As you can imagine, these differing ideas cause them to disagree a lot.”

“Which idea do you think is right?” he asked.

“Actually, I see value in both ideas.  Like the Republicans, I generally feel that less government is better; but like the Democrats, I feel like the government should provide some help for people who really need it.  It’s just a question of balancing those two ideas.  If we make the government too small, there may be people who won’t get the help that they genuinely need; and if we make it too big, it could start to interfere with our freedom and become difficult to pay for,” I replied. 

With a puzzled look on his face, he asked, “Doesn’t the government just print up the money it needs?”

I chuckled, as I said, “Well they do print the money, but the truth is that the people pay the bills for the government; if we want them to do more, than we have to be willing to pay more for it.  If you hear a candidate promise to do more, without the cost going up, you’ll know that they’re not being honest about it.”

“So since the Republicans won last night, do you think the government is going to get smaller now?” he continued.

“Unfortunately, that’s probably not how it’s going to work; because neither side is willing to work with the other.  It’s like when the kids in the neighborhood get together for a football game; both sides want to win so badly that the minute one team starts to get ahead, the other one takes their ball and goes home.  For that last couple of years the Democrats had enough people in office that they didn’t even need the Republicans to play; but now that it’s closer to even, I expect that they’ll spend a lot of time fighting with each other and trying to convince the people that the other side is the reason for their lack of progress.  The truth is that their lack of progress is really caused by their unwillingness to work together to address the problems.”

“All the guys on TV said that they were going to make jobs for everyone; won’t that make things better?” he asked.

“It would help, if they actually had the ability to keep that promise.  The problem is that they can’t.  The government doesn’t make jobs, business and industry do that.  Though they can spend some of the people’s money to give a few people some temporary jobs, they can’t create the kind of job it takes to raise a family on,” I said grimly.

“Why do they promise things that they know they can’t deliver?” he asked angrily.

“Sadly, because they know that people are really hurting for jobs and that it’s what they want to hear,” I replied.

“But haven’t the people figured out that they’re lying?” he said.

“I guess not; it seems like a lot of people are still expecting someone in the government to deliver the jobs they promised.  You see, the government was meant to serve the people in certain limited ways, but it was never meant to take care of the people.  Now that things are getting hard, a lot of people seem to want the government to take care of them and it wasn’t built to do that.  It would be like me hiring a maid and paying her to serve me.  The more I pay her, the more she’s willing to do.  But if I lost my job and I can’t pay her anymore, should I expect that she’s now going to take care of me for free until things get better?” I said.

Shaking his head, he said, “No way, if you don’t have any money, she probably won’t do anything for you.”

“That’s right, she’s my servant, not my mother; but there are a lot of people in America who seem to think that our servant (i.e. the government) ought to take care of them like a mother.  At this point, “We the People” can either decide to rise to our new challenges, like we have many times before in our history or we can keep crying out for more government help, which will eventually result in a government that we serve.  The reason America has done so well, for so long, is because its people have been willing to rise to new challenges and we’re once again in one of those times.  It’s up to the people, not the government, to do things differently,” I replied.

“So is this why you don’t seem very excited about this election?” he asked.

I smiled, as I replied, “That’s right son, my hope isn’t that the government is going to save me or our family.  If it was, I’d be miserable.  Our hope needs to be invested in better promises than the ones you’ve heard on TV.”

“So, should I even bother to vote when I get older?” he asked.

“Absolutely, you have been blessed to grow up in a country where the people have a voice in their government and as a citizen; you have a responsibility to participate in that process.  I don’t want you to think that it doesn’t matter, because even if the government is just a servant, it affects your life and the lives of people you care about.  You definitely need to take your rights as a citizen seriously, but don’t lose sight of the fact that the government can’t deliver peace and prosperity to your life.  Those things will depend on the choices that you make.”

At that moment, we drove up in front of the school and the conversation ended.

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A Father’s Day

Posted in Commentaries, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family on June 21, 2010| 1 Comment »

As I celebrate another Father’s Day, I am reminded that God’s plan for my life is much bigger than I ever imagined and it causes me to reflect on the tremendous blessings He has bestowed upon my life.  This Sunday, as I was worshipping the Lord, I began to recognize just how significantly He has used revelations about fatherhood along the way.

Undoubtedly my first understanding of God was as a father.  In my formative days I tended to view Jesus as somewhat of a historical figure, while the Holy Spirit was simply a mystery to me; but I knew what a father was and I had some idea of what that relationship should look like.

I was blessed to have had a father who loved my mother, who provided for our family, who expressed his love for me and who never left us, nor forsook us.  I didn’t realize at the time what a rare and precious thing that was.  It made the concept of God much easier to grasp and put my heart in a position to receive even greater revelation about who He really is.

As a kid who struggled with just about every aspect of growing up, I know that at times I baffled and frustrated my earthly father; yet somehow he never made me feel as though he was ashamed of me or that I couldn’t come to him.  That aspect of a father’s character became a critical factor for me when I decided that my life needed to change, after thirty plus years of living by my own standards for righteousness.

As God rebuilt my crumbled life, He blessed me with a new marriage, which included a five year old step-daughter.  I remember feeling humbled (and somewhat ill-equipped) to be included amongst the men that are known as “father”; but I was also aware that my new daughter already had a father, whom she loved very much.  I purposed in my heart that I wouldn’t do anything to get in the way of their relationship and the Lord began to show me that all fathers are a type of “step-father”.

This is because, before our children were in their mother’s womb, He knew them and before they were our children, they were His.  While He may have used our DNA as the thread to knit them together, they are ultimately made in His image and by His hand.

Even as God blessed us with three more children, I realized that while He had given me an honored position in their lives, they would never truly be mine; and that my role was to point the way back to Him.  Years later, the Lord reminded me of this when my earthy father passed away.  He said very plainly to me, “I am your Father; I have always been your Father.”

Because of these revelations, I’ve taken fatherhood very seriously and I’ve often fallen into condemnation at my failures.  In those times, “The Comforter” and “The Counselor” has come and ministered to my heart.  I remember Him giving me a vision of one of my little boys and asking me “what do you expect of him?”  As I stared at the image of my five year old son, all I could think of was – “nothing, he’s just a little boy.”  To which the Lord replied, “That’s all you are to me.”

He showed me that He wasn’t asking me to do the impossible or calling me to accomplish something He didn’t equip me for.  Another time He said, “What kind of God would I be if I hinged your children’s destiny on your perfection?”  While these revelations didn’t relieve me of the responsibility to be the best father that I can be, they helped me to understand that God didn’t put these children in my hands because He never intended for them to leave His.

As we’ve ministered to adults who never knew their father or who had a father that crushed their heart, we’ve found many who believe that they can never be whole because of it.  But the revelation that I got when my father died was that the greatest thing an earthly father can accomplish is to help his children find their Heavenly Father.  Once that eternal relationship is established, the role of an earthly father becomes largely symbolic (i.e. when that which is perfect comes, that which is imperfect passes away).

As a father, there is nothing more gratifying than seeing my children go directly to God and hearing from Him themselves.  I can’t help them like He can, I can’t always be with them, I can’t go before them and I can’t really show them who they were made to be.  Regardless of what kind of father we’ve had on earth, only our Heavenly Father has the ability to make us whole and no amount of failure on the part of a human father has the ability to take that from us.

As I labored to hear the voice of my heavenly Father, I often became anxious that I might miss what He was trying to tell me; but once again the Lord gave me a vision of my little boy.  Within the vision I’d told him to go clean up his room, but I somehow realized that I had given that direction in French.  As my little boy blinked at me in confusion, the Lord said, “Whose fault is it that he’s not cleaning his room?”  To which I responded, “It’s my fault because I spoke to him in French.”  To which the Lord said, “That’s right, it is the father’s responsibility to speak in a way that his children can understand.”

I understood that this was God’s way of telling me to stop worrying about whether I could hear His voice and to trust that He knew how to get through to me.  As I’ve let go of that fear, I’ve noticed that His voice has become much clearer to me.

When our children were very young, I could see how important it was for them to receive validation from me and I realized that I felt the same way about my heavenly Father.  I remembered thinking of how God had called David “A man after my own heart” and I wanted for Him to be able to say the same of me.

As I read about David’s life, I came to the story of him dancing before the Lord in the linen garment, which has been likened (rightly or wrongly) to dancing in his underwear.  As I read the part where his wife (Saul’s daughter) chastens him for this act, which she viewed as unfitting for a king, the Lord began to speak to me.  He said, “This is what made David a man after my own heart; He understood that in my presence he wasn’t the king and that while this may not have been an appropriate way for a king to act in front of his subjects, it was a perfectly normal way for a child to act before his Father.”

These words reminded of when Jesus said that unless we come as little children, we will not receive the Kingdom.  Though we are “joint heirs with Christ”, and He calls us “friend” and He is closer than a brother; I have learned that if I hope to receive anything from Him, I must come as a little child.

To fully grasp the revelation of fatherhood, one must also have some understanding of what it means to be a son or daughter.  Often during times of worship I see an image of a young child crawling into their father’s lap and laying their head upon his chest.  I remember a time when my children would do this and what a wonderful feeling it was as they would relax and essentially melt into my arms.

When I see that picture I feel as though it is an invitation for me to do the same with my heavenly Father.  To enter into that kind of rest I have to lay down the burdens that I bear as a grown man (e.g. father, husband, bread winner, employee…) and become as a little child again.  In those moments I hear the loving voice of my Father say, “Come up here; lay down those burdens and I will give you rest; come recline beside the still waters so that I might restore your soul; come up here, come.”

Those moments are the profoundest sense of His presence that I have ever known and they give me a sense of what heaven will be like.  Even if you never experienced such a thing with your earthly father, know that your heavenly Father yearns to have that experience with you.  Hear Him calling today, “This is the day I have made and I want you to find the joy in it; and behold I have brought fresh mercies for you today, because I knew that you would need them; and I’ve come with a new song for your heart.  Come child and rest your head on my chest, so that you might hear my heart beat for you; come dine with me, that I might feed you with spiritual food; come, because I yearn to teach you all things.”

I pray that all of His children would hear Him calling and that everyday would become “The Father’s” day.

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The Black Box

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Stories on April 28, 2010| 4 Comments »

At the relatively young age of forty-five, Steve Phillips pretty much had it made.  He had a beautiful wife, a couple of great kids, a nice home and a job that he loved.  Despite growing up in a decidedly middle class family, Steve’s talent with all things electronic had made him an extremely successful man.  It certainly didn’t hurt that he entered the industry right as the digital boom was beginning and that he had been a part of various teams that had developed major advances in photography, sound, communications and computer integration.  At what was presumably the mid-point in his career, he and his staff were devoted to research and development; which allowed them to pretty much play with the technology, looking for new innovations.  It was a dream job and Steve was truly grateful for it.  He also appreciated the wonderful lifestyle that it afforded his family. 

Though he was not a deeply religious man, Steve had been raised in a Christian home, married a Christian girl and their family regularly attended a local church.  Though God was not a major topic of discussion at the dinner table, it was something that he and his wife wanted to weave into the fabric of their family life.  From Steve’s perspective, one hour of church a week was a small price to pay for the sense of “eternal security” that it brought him.  At work, he was discreet about his faith; understanding that many technically minded people didn’t share his particular view of such things.  He felt pretty good about the balance he’d achieved with that until he one day overheard his thirteen year old son talking to a friend on the phone.  Within that conversation his son said that he considered “The Jesus Story” to be nothing more than a legend that ancient people used as a way to make themselves feel better; and that the human race had advanced far beyond the need for such “fairy tales”.  He also made the statement, “if there ever really was a God, the power of the human mind has rendered Him obsolete!”  Steve shuddered at the idea that this is what his son had derived from his upbringing, but he wasn’t really sure what he ought to do about it.  The more he thought about it, the more troubling it became to him; and eventually he grew worried enough to actually start praying.  As he whispered for help beneath his breath, his discomfort in speaking to an unseen God started to evaporate, as an idea slowly began to creep into his head.

Steve decided not to let his son (Jason) know that he’d overheard his little commentary on God until after he’d followed through on his idea, which took a few weeks to put together.  As he worked on the project, Steve often found himself talking to God in a way that he never had before and though he wasn’t really sure what it all meant, it somehow made God seem more real to him.  He was excited as he wrapped the finished product up in a packing box on a Friday morning and made arrangements for Jason to receive the package the next day.  On Saturday, when the doorbell rang, Steve smiled to himself and asked his son to get the door.  Jason was so excited about getting the package that he practically pulled it out of the delivery man’s hands and tore the box open without bothering to look for a return address.  He was even more excited when he found that it contained what looked to be a laptop computer.  The only thing that kept him from being sure that it was a laptop was that the machine had absolutely no markings on it.  Even the keyboard had no markings on the keys.  As Jason closely examined the machine, he heard his father’s voice from the other room, “Who was at the door Jason?”

Jason bounded into the living room, both perplexed and excited, as he told Steve about his special delivery and showed him the machine.

“Are you sure you read the label right; this looks like something that would be sent to me, not you” Steve said.

“Of course I read the label right” Jason snapped.

“OK, so who’s it from?” Steve shot back

Jason let out an impatient sigh, as he realized he hadn’t looked at that and his face turned red as he had to retrieve the box to check.

“Look Dad, it doesn’t have a return address.”

“Well maybe there’s some paperwork inside the box” Steve replied.

“No, there’s nothing; I already checked” he said impatiently, as he flipped the machine over.

“What are you looking for Jason” Steve inquired.

“I’m looking for the manufacturer information.  Maybe we can look them up on the web and see if they can send us a manual for this thing” Jason replied.

“That’s a great idea son, what do see?”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing; that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.  How in the world do they expect me to run this stupid machine” Jason snorted.

“Well this was probably some sort of mistake, maybe we should just throw it away” Steve suggested.

“Are you crazy?  Throw away a brand new machine.  No way!” he replied.

“But what can you do with it?” Steve asked

With the wild-eyed confidence of a mad scientist, Jason proclaimed, “Just give me some time and I’ll figure this thing out!”

With that he was off to his bedroom, for what turned out to be most of the weekend.  At times, Steve could hear him yell in frustration at what a stupid machine it was and at other times, Jason would come out doing a little victory dance over something he’d discovered.  During the exuberant times he’d say, “We don’t need no stinking manual!” but in the frustrating times he’d moan, “How am I supposed to do anything without a manual?”  This cycle continued until late Sunday evening, when Steve asked him to bring the machine to the dining room.  As Jason came in, he looked a little haggard and more frustrated than excited.  He showed Steve what he’d been able to figure out on his own, which was actually pretty impressive; but clearly he wasn’t satisfied with it.  When Jason finally plopped down in one of the dining room chairs, Steve asked, “So what’s the bottom line with this thing?”

With a confused look on his face, Jason said, “The bottom line?”

“Yeah” replied Steve.  “I mean is this a good machine or is it a piece of junk?”

“I don’t know!” Jason grunted.  “It seems like it’s got some good features, but I’m not really sure what it can do.”

“So if you keep messing with it, do you think you could figure out what it’s capable of?” Steve asked.

“I’m sure I could figure out some stuff” Jason replied.  “But I doubt I could ever figure out everything it could do without some more information from the manufacturer.”

“So I’m pretty good with computers, do think I could figure it out?” Steve pressed

“You could do better than me, but there are some things that you’d probably never find unless you talked to the guy who designed this thing” Jason replied.  

Steve smiled and playfully said, “Ya think so?”

Jason half smiled back and said, “Yeah, I think so.”

After a little pause, Steve asked, “So was messing with this thing all weekend fun or a waste of time?”

“I did have some fun, but now that I’ve blown a whole weekend on it, I think it was mostly a waste of time.  I’m definitely frustrated with it.  I just wish I knew where it came from and why it was sent to me” he said.

“How would you feel if I told you that I sent it to you?” Steve asked.

“What” Jason blurted.  “Why would you do that?”

“To teach you something about life” Steve replied.

“About life?  I don’t get it; what are you talking about?” Jason growled in confusion

“I wanted to illustrate for you that human beings are incredibly complex machines” Steve said.

“Like this laptop?” Jason retorted

“Yes and like this laptop, their buttons and controls don’t come with labels on them” Steve continued.  “And while we can play with those things for a while and figure out a few things, we’ll never really find out what we’re capable of unless we go back and consult the One who created us.”

“You mean God?” Jason asked sheepishly.

“Yes, I mean God” Steve replied.  “You see Jason, you get to believe whatever you choose about God, but if you decide to live as though He has become ‘obsolete’, you’ll spend your whole life doing what you did this weekend.  You’ll punch buttons and see what happens; hoping that something good will come from it, but never really knowing for sure.  Honestly, that’s how most people live; and if that’s the way you decide to go, at the end of your life, you’ll probably feel just like you do now; like it was all just a waste of time.  But if you believe that God is real and seek His guidance, it could be like what might have happened if you and I would have sat down together with this thing and I could’ve shown you all the incredible features I built into it.”

“But I didn’t know you built it” Jason said defensively.

As Steve stood to his feet he said, “That’s true, there was no way you could have known that I was the one who designed it; but make no mistake Jason, you were not simply hatched or some sort of pleasant biological accident; you were also created.  And if that’s the case, then it follows that you must have a ‘Creator”.  Like me this weekend, He stands at the ready to help when you ask Him and unlike me, He took the time to provide a manual.”  At that moment Steve placed a copy of the Bible on the table in front of Jason.

Jason looked at the book with an expression of disdain and said, “So what am I supposed to do with this laptop?”

“I want you to keep it” Steve replied.  

“For what?” Jason asked.

“To remind you of what it’s like to live life as though you’ve become too technologically advanced to need help and to let the limitations of your own mind become your boundaries for living” he replied.

“So I’m just supposed to let it sit in my room and be some sort of symbol?” Jason asked.

“Well, that’s up to you. Just like what it symbolizes, you have the choice to do something with it or to blow it off.  If you’ll take the time to get with me, I can assure you that this little machine has some one of a kind features that you’ll really love.  If you decide to go it alone, you may or may not discover some of them; or you can simply ignore the whole thing and wonder about what you might have missed.  In the end, it’ll be whatever you decide.”

Steve walked to the doorway and turned back to his son.  “Jason, you know that I love you and you may not appreciate how I went about this, but it’s important that you think about what I am trying to teach you.  It will make all the difference in your life.”

Steve stepped out of the dining room to give Jason some space.  He hoped that it would allow Jason’s defensiveness to wane.  He prayed that God would help his son to see the truth, but he knew that God wouldn’t take away Jason’s ability to choose his own path.  Steve really didn’t expect Jason to say much after that, so he was surprised when Jason came to say goodnight.  Though he was still a little tentative, he did hug his father and told him that he loved him.  As he headed for the stairs, he turned back and asked, “Dad, are you busy tomorrow night?”

“I don’t think so son; what did you have in mind?” Steve asked.

“I was hoping that maybe we could get into some of those ‘one of a kind’ features you were talking about” Jason replied with a smile.

Steve smiled back at him and said, “I’d love that son”.

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Pageant Girl

Posted in Free Verse / Poetry, Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Satire on March 17, 2010| 6 Comments »

Want you to know that I don’t blame you

You just wanted “the best” for me

You sacrificed so much to make me a winner

You deserved better

 *

If I just could’ve stood a little straighter

If my hair wasn’t so stringy

 *

All those cute little outfits

To you, sexy just meant playful

But playful meant something different to them

Anything you serve like an hors d’oeurve is bound to be devoured

 *

If only I had been a better singer

If I just had fuller lips

 *

I tried to smile for the camera

It’s what happened when the camera was off that made it hard

Thank God for makeup

The bruises & scars never showed

 *

Maybe if I had been smarter

If I wasn’t so clumsy

 *

You always said there was a price to pay

And I’ve tried hard to “live the dream”

Guess I must not have wanted it bad enough

You deserved better

 *

If only I had been taller

If I wasn’t so flat-chested

 *

Always in the court, but never the Queen

At nineteen, it’s already too late for me

The “1st Alternate” to the winner is still just a loser

Who could want me now?

 *

If only I could have lost more weight

If my eyes weren’t so close together

 *

I’m sorry for letting you down

For leaving the stage before the show is really over

I’m sorry about all of this blood on the floor

But as it weeps from my wrists, I feel strangely free

 *

If only I could have been a daughter you could be proud of

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Crossroads

Posted in Parenting / Family, Stories on March 12, 2010| 5 Comments »

As her mind slowly waded toward consciousness, it was almost as if she was hearing an Ice Cream truck traveling down some distant street, when she suddenly realized that it was the ring-tone from her cell phone.  She fumbled blindly along the bedside table before finding it and bringing it close to her face to check the caller ID. 

“Oh crap!” she exclaimed, as she sprang into a sitting position, clutching the bed sheet over her bare chest.

 A sleepy male voice from the other side of the bed said, “Who is it?”

“It’s my mother and it’s already almost 10:00 a.m.” she moaned, as she punched the ignore button on her phone; “I can’t believe I’m gonna miss class again”. 

“So blow it off and let’s just stay in bed all day” he suggested. 

“Yeah, you’d like that” she said as she gathered her clothes from the floor and headed toward the bathroom. 

“Come on, you can just take that class over again next quarter” he called after her. 

“Oh yeah, I want to explain that one to my parents.  This is the only class I was taking this quarter and the only required course I have left for my degree.  I’m already five years into a four year program and I can tell they’re about ready to cut me off.  Besides, some of us actually have to work for a living” she responded through the cracked bathroom door. 

“Hey now, I’m working on my Masters Degree; can I help it that my parents feel that education is the most important thing?” he retorted sarcastically.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re working real hard” she said, as she emerged from the bathroom, pulling her hair into a ponytail.

“Well if you change your mind, you know where to find me” he said slyly.

“Yeah, in bed no doubt” she said, as she pulled her bag over her shoulder.

“Hey, I need my beauty sleep” he said with a smile.

As she reached the door, she looked back at him and playfully asked, “If I did come back, how could I be sure that my spot wasn’t taken?”

He smiled back at her and said, “No worries baby, even if it was, we could always make room for you too.”

As she closed the door behind her, she mumbled to herself, “In your dreams bud”.

Stepping out of the temperature controlled building into the warm humid air felt like walking into a wall, both physically and emotionally.  She knew that by the time she got back to the dorm, showered and got ready, she’d probably be late for work again; and she also knew that she was pretty much out of second chances with her manager.  She briefly considered skipping the shower, but after the night she’d had, she felt dirty and couldn’t stand the thought of that guys smell being on her.  She hated that she’d slept with him and wondered at why she’d given into it when she’d been able to ignore his come-ons for the last few years.  He was exactly what he appeared to be and she felt stupid for allowing herself to become one of his conquests.  She couldn’t stand the thought that he would now act as though she was one of his concubines.  As she made her way across campus, a sense of abandonment washed over her, as she thought about all her friends who had graduated and moved on with their lives.  The familiar surroundings that for so long had been a source of comfort now seemed to almost mock her.  Here she was, a year past graduation, still without a degree and going nowhere fast.  Her head began to throb, as her brain seemed to be pounding against her temples, reminding her of how much she’d had to drink last night and of how little she’d eaten in the past twenty-four hours.  Just when she thought she couldn’t feel any lower, her phone buzzed with a text message.  When she opened it, she could see it was from her mother; it said, “I hate when you ignore my calls!  We need to talk!  Call me!  Today!”  Now a fresh sense of dread mixed in with her simmering stew of emotions, as she considered how she was going to explain to her parents that she probably wasn’t going to be able to graduate again this quarter.  She fought off the guilt of having wasted their money with resentment at having to explain herself to them.  After all, she reasoned, “I’m a grown woman”. 

By the time she got to her dorm room, beads of sweat were crawling past her ears and down the sides of her neck; as dizziness and nausea threatened to overtake her.  She collapsed in a heap on her unmade bed and felt like crying, but the tears just wouldn’t come.  She had the sense that she was somehow sinking and it reminded her of the feeling she’d get by diving to the bottom of the pool and looking up through the water.  She could feel the pressure all around her, as sounds and images became muted and murky.  She knew that she had to get going or she would lose her job; but she felt too sick to move.  Like an egg in a hot, well oiled skillet, she laid motionless except for the molten roiling within her, until she eventually faded from consciousness.

It was once again the sound of her cell phone that ultimately pulled her back and when she looked at the alarm clock, she was amazed to see that it was already past 4 p.m.  She didn’t need to check the caller ID to know that it was her mother and she knew that she still wasn’t ready for that conversation; so she let the call rollover to voicemail.  After a few minutes, she decided to check her messages and saw that she’d missed seven calls and had three new texts.  Three of the voicemails were from work, with the last one letting her know that she was fired; while all of the other messages were from her mother.  Apparently when she wasn’t able to get a hold of her daughter by phone, she had called the place that she worked.  Needless to say, that conversation had thrown her mother into a state of panic and in the last voicemail she was talking about notifying the campus police.  She knew the longer she waited the worse it was going to be, so even though she didn’t feel ready, she dialed her parent’s number. 

She told her mother that the reason she hadn’t returned her calls or gone to work was because she was sick and had been sleeping, which seemed to calm things down for the moment.  But as the conversation went on, things went from bad to worse; as her mother explained that they were no longer willing to pay for her to stay in college.  She told her that if she wanted continued support from them, she’d have to be willing to move back home and to let them help her make better decisions.  This infuriated her and for the first time in her life, she was openly disrespectful to her mother, cursing at her and telling her that they’d never really supported her anyway.  Though her mother tried to respond, she hung up on her and turned off her phone.  In her anger, she grabbed her bag, which was lying on the bed and threw it at her dresser; spraying makeup bottles, earrings, papers and pictures onto the floor.  In her frustration, she let out a scream, as the dam of emotion within her finally broke loose; sending her tumbling back onto the bed in heaving sobs.  It seemed to her that everything she cared about was being taken away and she suddenly found herself completely devoid of hope.  She wept bitterly for what seemed to be hours before once again succumbing to exhaustion.

The next time her eyes opened, she saw that it was a little after 3:00 a.m. and she felt like a dishrag that had been wrung completely dry.  She grabbed a half full bottle of Mountain Dew from her bedside table and poured it down her throat.  She had to swallow hard to keep it from coming right back up and she could feel it burn everything it touched.  She felt weak and sick, but she knew that she’d better find something to eat or things would get much worse.  She thought about getting some change off her dresser for the vending machine, but she quickly remembered that she’d probably have to search the floor for it.  As she pulled herself off the bed and viewed the carnage in her dorm room, she knew that she just needed to get away from this place.  She spent a few minutes stumbling around the room, stuffing some things into a duffle bag and then she headed for the parking lot.  She didn’t know where to go, but anything had to be better than this.

She normally would have gone to the all-night diner, but she didn’t want to bump into anyone she knew, so she decided to go to the mini-mart by the interstate.  She got a 24 oz. cappuccino; a 12 pack of Mountain Dew, a ham and cheese Hot Pocket and a big bag of Doritos.  She sat in her car for 15 minutes while she finished the Hot Pocket and gulped down most of the cappuccino.  As she pulled out of the parking lot, she saw the sign for the interstate and without hesitation, she headed for it.  Since there’s nothing south of Florida, she decided to go north.  She turned the music up loud, hoping to drown out any thoughts that might want to crowd in and she set the cruise control at 70 mph, hoping to put some distance between her and this place that suddenly felt like a dead end.

For the first couple of hours the trip was almost enjoyable.  She had slept a lot that day and the caffeine was beginning to kick in, so she wasn’t having any trouble staying awake.  It felt good to be on the road, but as the sun came up, the reality of her situation began to push against her.  Pretty much all of her family lived in Ohio and she didn’t want any part of them or that place right now.  She did have an estranged aunt, who lived in the Charlotte area, though she hadn’t spoken to her in years and wasn’t really sure how to get a hold of her.  But since she was short on options, she decided to head in that direction.

Her Aunt Susan was her mother’s only sister, though it was hard to tell they were even related.  Her mom (Ellen) was the quintessential straight arrow, who married her high school sweetheart, had two kids and who wouldn’t dream of missing church on Sunday; while Susan was the wild child; who never married, had no kids and who didn’t seem to care that she’d essentially been disowned by her family.  The one thing she remembered about her aunt was how much she laughed and how that seemed to irritate her mother.  Though she grew up with the idea that her family’s life was normal and that her aunt’s life was a little crazy, her years in college had made her wonder if that wasn’t backwards.  At this point in her life, she saw her parent’s ideas about things like God, sex, marriage, politics… as antiquated and completely unrealistic.  As she thought about it, she could see that she had a lot more in common with her aunt.  They were both the younger of two daughters; both had older sisters who seemed to be perfect little wives and mothers; and neither of them showed any interest in the religion they’d been raised with.  The more she thought about it, the more she was sure that her Aunt Susan might actually be the only one who could truly relate to what she was feeling. 

Later that morning, she sent a text message to her older sister (LeAnn), who was able to respond with their aunt’s home phone number.  That afternoon, when she called the number, a man answered, explained that her aunt wasn’t able to come to the phone, but said that he was willing to relay a message.  When she explained that she was Susan’s niece and that she’d hoped to come by for a visit, the man, who said his name was Bob, seemed sure that Susan would be excited and gave her directions to the house.  A couple of hours later, as she turned onto their street, she found herself hoping that Bob was right and that her aunt really would be excited about her just showing up this way.  The neighborhood and the house weren’t as nice as she had imagined they would be, but the thought of getting out of the car was enough to make her dismiss any concerns about the quality of the accommodations.  When she pulled in front of the house, she could see that it was in even worse shape than most of the others on the street; and she began to realize that she clearly had some misconceptions about the kind of lifestyle her aunt lived.  When she flipped the visor down to see what she looked like in the mirror, she could barely recognize the face staring back at her.  The image was startling enough that she decided to drive back into town to find a bathroom to clean up in; but before she was able to restart the car, a man walked out the front door with a big smile on his face and made his way to her door.  Knowing it was too late; she opened the door and prepared herself to be pleasant.

“You must be Sarah” he said.

“Yes and you must be Bob”, she replied.

“Yes, that’s right.  I’m your aunt’s, uh… friend” he stammered, as his face turned a little red.

“Well it’s good to meet you Bob; where is Aunt Susan?” she asked.

“Well, she’s not feeling very well, so we’ll have to go in to see her” he said.

“Oh, you should have told me she wasn’t feeling well; I could come back another time if you want” she offered.

“No, no, I think now is a good time” he said sheepishly.

Sarah could tell by the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice that there was more going on than what he was saying, but she figured that her aunt would probably explain it to her.  As they came to the front door, Bob turned and said, “Please don’t mind the mess; things are a little hectic right now.”

Considering Bob’s warning and given the outward appearance of the house, the inside was much nicer than she expected.  It was small, dark and a little cluttered with furniture and knick-knacks, but it seemed pretty clean and kind of cozy.  As they stepped into the living room, she could see that there was a woman propped up on the couch, with pillows behind her and a blanket pulled over her; but Sarah couldn’t tell if it was her aunt.  The woman seemed to be staring intently at the television and didn’t seem to notice them.

Bob said, “Susan, there’s someone here to see you.”

Susan looked horrified when she saw Sarah standing next to Bob and said, “Oh God Bob, I don’t want anyone to see me like this!  Who is this girl?”

Sarah understood how her aunt might not recognize her, but her words still made Sarah feel awkward and out of place.  She could feel herself shaking and her voice cracked, as she said, “Aunt Susan, it’s me – Sarah”.

Susan squinted for a moment before blurting, “Oh my God!  Is that my little Sarah?  Come over here and give me a hug baby!

Sarah moved quickly to her and knelt down next to the couch.  Her Aunt Susan wrapped her arms around her and gave her a warm squeeze.  As they separated, Sarah could see tears in her aunt’s eyes, as she said, “God!  You are the picture of your father aren’t you?  Look at you – all grown up.  I think you were ten or eleven the last time I saw you and now you’re a woman..  God, am I old or what?”

Sarah didn’t know how to respond to anything her aunt had said, so she simply smiled, nodded and marveled at how different she looked.  She realized that she must have been staring, as Susan said, “I know – I look like hell”.  Sarah shook her head no, but Susan said, “You’re an even worse liar than your mother – I’m a mess baby!”

Sarah didn’t much like being compared to her mother, but she had to smile at her aunt’s bluntness.  As she got back on her feet, Aunt Susan said, “Here baby, pull that chair over here and sit next to me.”

Susan then called out to Bob, who reappeared in the doorway.  “Why didn’t you tell me this girl was coming for a visit?” she asked in mock indignation.

“Because, you’d have said no.” he replied with a knowing smile.

She smiled back at him and said, “You’re probably right.  Can you get her something to drink and click that television off for me?  I think the batteries in this remote are dead.”  As Bob disappeared back into the kitchen, she added, “He’s not much to look at but he’s a good guy to have around.”

Again, Sarah thought she could see tears in her aunt’s eyes and again she wondered what was going on.  Just as she was sensing the magnitude of her aunt’s condition, her aunt was sensing that the exhaustion she could see in Sarah’s face was from more than just the long drive.  Though they both yearned to speak openly about what was going on in their lives at that moment, they instead spent the next 45 minutes catching up on news about various family members and events of the last dozen years.  Just as the conversation was ready to turn to the present, Bob stuck his head in the door and said, “Nancy’s here”. 

Her aunt explained that Nancy was her nurse and she suggested that Sarah use the break to get a nice hot shower.  As much as Sarah wanted to continue their conversation, she was even more grateful for the chance to clean up.  The events of the last twenty-four hours had made Sarah feel like a miner who was covered in coal dust; so she turned up the hot water as high as she could stand it and let it run for as long as it would last.  Though the surroundings were unfamiliar, her aunt’s warm welcome had managed to calm her and she emerged from the shower feeling a lot better.  By the time she made it back to the living room, the nurse was gone and her aunt appeared to have dozed off.  She tried to be quiet, but when the floorboard squeaked beneath her feet, her aunt’s eyes popped back open.

“If you need to rest, I can leave you alone for awhile” Sarah said.

“No, no, honey.  I can always rest later; I don’t want to miss the chance to talk with you.  Bob is getting us some food, so let’s get back to our conversation” she replied.

As Sarah settled back into the chair, her aunt asked, “So what’s brought you to Charlotte?”

“You” Sarah replied with a smile.

Susan smiled back at her and said, “OK, let me re-phrase the question.  What caused you to suddenly come and visit your old aunt, who you haven’t talked to in almost a dozen years?”

Sarah’s face became flushed with embarrassment, as she replied, “I’m not sure really.  Things aren’t good at school right now and I didn’t want to go home either; so when I thought of you, I figured that this might be a good time to visit.  Of course, I had no way of knowing that you were sick and if I need to go, I completely understand.  I can always come back some other time.”

“No, no honey.  Now is definitely the time to visit” she said with a sigh; and as her face grew more serious, she added, “I’m pretty sure that there won’t be ‘some other time’.”

“What is it Aunt Susan?” Sarah asked quietly.

“Cancer” she replied, as her eyes once again seemed filled with tears.

“Is there anything they can do?” Sarah pleaded.

“Not really; I’ve been battling for the last couple of years, but it’s all through my system at this point” she said.

“How much time are they giving you?” Sarah asked

“No one talks about an amount of time anymore, but I can tell you that Nancy is a Hospice nurse, so you can probably fill in the blanks” she replied, as a tear escaped down the side of her face.

“I’m so sorry” Sarah said breathlessly, as she once again knelt beside the couch and embraced her aunt.  They held each other tightly for a few minutes, as they both grieved over the years that they’d lost.  It seemed somehow unfair to Sarah that she’d finally rediscover her aunt, only to lose her a short time later; and as Susan held her tearful niece, she wondered if this is what it would have felt like had she become a mother.  These thoughts drove both of them deeper into their sorrow and more firmly into each others embrace.  It was finally Aunt Susan who broke the moment.

“Look at us, a couple of blubbering idiots.  You didn’t come all this way for this.  I’m not dead yet; we can do this at the funeral; let’s talk about what’s going on with you” she said, as she handed Sarah the tissues.

As Sarah wiped the tears from her cheeks, she sheepishly said “There’s really not a lot to talk about”

Susan rolled her eyes as she quipped, “C’mon honey, I may have retained much of my youthful beauty, but I wasn’t born yesterday.  I could tell from the moment I saw you that you’re tied in knots – what’s really going on?”

Sarah started slowly at first, talking about her unfinished degree and the loss of her job; but the more she opened up, the more foundational the issues became.  She spoke of how her sister LeAnn was the “perfect” child and how she never really felt like her parents were as supportive of her; she also admitted that in the years she’d been away from home, she’d really come to question a lot of the things they’d taught her.  Susan listened intently and Sarah sensed that she truly understood and empathized with her.  Just as she was confessing that she was at a loss as to what her next move should be, Bob walked in with a big box of Chinese food.  After they sorted through the Sweet & Sour Chicken, the Moo Goo Gai Pan and the Lo Mein, Susan picked the conversation back up.

“So OK, I get that you’re feeling pretty alienated from your folks, but what about your sister?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I think she wants us to be close, but I have a hard time dealing with her.  She’s always talking about her husband and their baby; it’s like she thinks that she’s got it all figured out and that I’m just the clueless kid sister.  I guess I feel like she’s always judging me” Sarah replied.

Susan’s expression grew pained and her voice seemed low, as she asked, “Is that what she’s really doing or is that just how you’re feeling?”

Sarah was surprised and a little confused by the question, as she replied, “I guess I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

“Look Sarah, you know that your mother and I haven’t spoken in years; do you know why that is?” she asked.

“No; mom would never talk about it and even though LeAnn always seemed to keep in touch with you, she never seemed to know anything either” she replied.

“The truth is that I felt pretty much the same way you do.  I felt like my parents always favored Ellen and that I never measured up in their eyes.  Just like LeAnn, your mother married her high school sweetheart and had her little family, which only made the comparisons seem worse.  Everyone went on and on about Ellen and her perfect little life; and even though I never heard anything negative said about me, I always felt as though I was some kind of disappointment.  I hated that feeling, so I stayed away from my family for the most part.  When my mom died, I showed up at the funeral with a Bloody Mary in my hand, trying to drink my way out of a hangover.  Your mother tried to keep me from making a big scene, but I resented what I saw as her interference and in the course of less than a day, I managed to pretty much alienate everyone in the family.  The crazy thing is that it was the first time that your mother and I exchanged some truly hateful words and I never dreamed that those would be last words we ever spoke to each other.”  Tears streamed down Susan’s face, as she stopped to regain her composure. 

Though Sarah was gripped by her aunt’s story and empathized with her sorrow, she was still struggling to make the connection between that story and her relationship with LeAnn.  After all, they never fought and she would never dream of drinking in front of her family.  In a feeble attempt to comfort her aunt, Sarah assured her, “I can’t imagine LeAnn ever really saying anything hateful to me.”

Her aunt seemed to understand that Sarah was implying that something like this probably wouldn’t happen to her and with a new edge in her tone she replied, “The truth is Sarah that LeAnn doesn’t need to say something hateful.  For years I told people that your mother called me a whore and a drunk; and you know what, I really believed that was true.  But about a year ago, when I first realized that I wasn’t going to survive this cancer, I had an incredibly vivid recollection of our conversation that day and I realized that what she’d really said was ‘you don’t want people to think that you’re a whore and a drunk’.  As I thought back on it, I realized that she was just trying to keep me from embarrassing myself and our family; but because I’d already concluded that I was being judged, all I heard were the words ‘drunk’ and ‘whore’.  Now it seems to me that you’re in right about the same spot as I was and that it may not take much to get you over the edge.  It sounds like you’re already wanting to distance yourself from your family and I’m sure that you can think of at least one instance where your hurt or frustration pushed you into saying something that you later regretted.”

Sarah’s mind immediately shot back to the last conversation she’d had with her mother and to the surprisingly harsh words that had come from her mouth.

“You see, when you get a chance to sit around day after day, pondering the reality of your impending death; you start to see your life through different eyes.  You start to realize the difference between what was real and what was simply perception, or maybe even imagination.  You know, when my dad left my mom, it felt like he was rejecting me too.  The truth is that he never did reject me, but because I felt rejected, I rejected him.  When your mom left for college and I had to live alone with our mother, who was in the midst of having a nervous breakdown, I felt as though she had abandoned me.  The truth is that she’s always been there when I needed her, but because I felt abandoned, I’ve let myself be angry at her for all these years.  When your mother first got with your dad, I laughed at her, because he was a nobody and I felt like she could do much better.  But the truth is that your father is a great guy and I now realize how lucky she was to find someone who loved her like that.  I remember when she got pregnant and how crazy I thought it was that she’d forfeit her whole life just to have a kid; but now I see that the truth is that you guys have been her greatest joy and that I was the one who really forfeited my whole life.  I’ve rationalized every hedonistic urge with the idea that I wanted to have ‘no regrets’ at the end of my life and now as I face that moment, I find that I have nothing but regrets.  I’ve been from here to Paris, to the Great Wall of China and back again; I’ve smoked, snorted and injected all the best drugs; I’ve had sex in elevators, on airplanes and on the beach; I’ve skydived, white water rafted and bungee jumped; I’ve pretty much tried everything that the world said is truly living and now I realize that I somehow managed to miss what life is really all about.  I’ve scoffed at religion and thumbed my nose at God, because I felt like it was nothing but a crutch for weak minded people, but now as I face my mortality, I find myself praying that there is something more out there and if there is a God, that He can forgive me for denying that He was real.  If you would have only come a few years ago, we could have cracked a beer together and I’d have told you ‘to hell with college and with a family who doesn’t really understand you’; but you came today and now I know better.  When I look at you, I see me twenty-five years ago and it scares the hell out of me.  For God sakes Sarah – don’t be like me!  Don’t throw away the things that really matter because it’s too hard or because it doesn’t ‘feel’ good.”

Sarah sat in stunned silence; overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of what her aunt had said.  Somehow it felt like an indictment and as though a glass of cold water had been thrown in her face.  It wasn’t at all what she’d expected and yet everything her aunt said seemed undeniable to her.  Somehow the moment reminded her of the scene in the Wizard of Oz, where the curtain is pulled aside and the illusion of the ‘Great and Powerful Oz’ is dispelled.  That moment always seemed bittersweet to Sarah, because while the illusion of the ferocious Oz was broken, so was the illusion that he could somehow get her home to Kansas.  Again, she realized that she must have been staring at her aunt, as Susan said, “I’m sorry honey; I didn’t mean to preach at you.  I guess I’m kind of losing it.”

“No” Sarah interjected, “I think that I probably needed to hear that.”

“Well, maybe you did” she chuckled, “But don’t kid yourself, I really am losing it.  The other day I was watching the ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ and they were eating at the ‘fancy eatin’ table’; you know, the one with the nice green tablecloth and the built in cup holders.  I was laughing at the absurdity of the idea that they would mistake this billiard table for a dining room table, when it hit me that this was like an analogy for my life.  Here I spent all this time trying to make it work one way, only to find in the end that it was designed to be something totally different.  I remember being in college and feeling sorry for my friends who were ‘stuck’ in relationships, while I was ‘free’ to live the ‘good life’.  To my way of thinking, I was getting fresh hot meals, while they were stuck trying to warm up leftovers; but now I look at their lives and realize that I was the one who was missing it.  I was snatching up all of the forbidden fruit, thinking that it was passion fruit – but now I see that none of that passion was really for me, it was just for the momentary thrill of the ride.  A few months ago, I realized that all I really wanted was for someone to love me; and the crazy thing is that I’m the one who kept that from ever happening.  Whenever anyone got too close, I’d run them off.  You know what else; I realized that every time I had sex with a guy and he’d leave, I’d experience that same sense of rejection I felt when my father left.  Is that insane!  I mean this is the most painful moment of my life and yet somehow I find a way to re-live it over and over again.  And as if all that isn’t twisted enough, here’s another crazy idea – it occurred to me one day that Bob might actually love me.  I mean, we’ve been living together for about five years and he’s really been nothing but good to me.  For a long time I figured that I was just someone to split the bills with and a steady source of sex; but I haven’t worked in the last couple of years and since they chopped my breasts off, I really don’t like to be touched; and yet here he is, still taking great care of me.”

“So what’s so crazy about that?” Sarah asked.

Tears once again began to pour from Susan’s eyes as she said, “The crazy thing is that I can’t seem to love him back.  It’s like all my circuits are fried.  I’m so grateful for him and all that he does for me.  I’m so touched by how he cares for me and yet somehow my heart is completely numb.  It makes me feel ashamed, because he deserves someone who will love him back and I want to be that person, but its like my heart is already dead.  God Sarah, don’t let this happen to you; don’t live the life I did.  I’ve missed it, but there’s still time for you!”

Again, Sarah fell into Susan’s embrace, as some emotional pocket within the both of them seemed to burst open. Sarah could feel Susan’s great love for her and the deep love that she had for her aunt; and as they wept together, years of pent up hurt and frustration seemed to pour out of them.  After several minutes, Sarah pulled her head off Susan’s shoulder and cupped Susan’s face in her hands; and as she looked deeply into her eyes, she said, “I love you Aunt Susan”.  Susan beamed back at her and said, “I love you too baby”.  Sarah passed Susan a handful of tissues and grabbed another bunch for herself, as they both tried to regain their composure.

After a few minutes of them both being lost in their thoughts, Sarah broke the silence.  “You know how you talked about the difference between how things feel and how they really are?”

“Yes” she replied.

“Well, it may ‘feel’ like it’s too late, but the truth is that it’s not too late” Sarah said as she picked up her cell phone.

“What are you doing?” asked Susan.

“I’m taking care of what really matters” she replied, as she pressed the speed dial and handed the phone to Susan.

A look of panic flashed across Susan’s face as she tentatively put the phone to her ear.

“Hello… Ellen”

“Yes…it’s me…Susan”

“Yes, she’s here with me and she’s fine”

“Amen…I love her too”

“Yeah, I’m OK…Well, I guess the truth is I’m pretty sick, but I’m glad that Sarah is here.”

(through tearful eyes & with a cracking voice) “Yes, I’d love for you to come!”

“Please hurry Ellie!”

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Letter to My Newborn

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal on February 15, 2010| 2 Comments »

Son Dearest Son,

It is very late in the evening, and as I write this letter you are sound asleep. The truth be told, you’ve been asleep for hours, but it was only in the last few minutes that I managed to let you go. I knew that becoming a father would be very special, but I never knew that my heart could be so full. It’s as if I’ve lived in the same two-story house for my whole life, only to discover that there’s actually a third floor. Your arrival has broken something open in me and I can’t seem to stop it from spilling out. I’ve barely been able to speak all day, but in this late hour I feel the need to try to put some things into words. I don’t know that what I’m about to write will make any sense, but it is my heart in this moment.

I guess that I should start by saying that you are the most precious thing that I’ve ever held in my hands. You have a face like an angel (just like your momma) and as your tiny hand wrapped around my finger, I just knew that you were a miracle sent from heaven. I guess that since babies are born everyday we don’t tend to think of it as miraculous, but now I understand that it is. I marvel that anyone who’s experienced this could doubt that there is a God. I feel humbled that He allowed me to be a part of it all. He surely could have given you to a better man; I hope that I don’t disappoint Him and I hope that you’re not disappointed either. I feel ill-equipped to be all that you’ll need me to be, but I am resolved to give it everything that I have. If I succeed at nothing else, I pray that you will grow up knowing how special you are and how much you are loved.

As much as I want to do & be everything for you, I realize that my influence on your life will only be for a season; and that long before I’m ready, you’ll be a man, making his own way in the world. In the time that I have, there is so much about life that I hope to teach you. I wish that I could tell you that it is how I’ve lived my life, but sometimes the way to discover what is true is to first figure out what is false. Unfortunately, I’ve learned many things that way in my lifetime. It is my hope that you will be a better man than I have been, so I will try to teach you the truth, even the parts that I haven’t lived yet. The thing about truth is that even though it can be a hard pill to swallow, it ultimately sets you free. I pray that the truth will always be welcomed in your life, because a man who deceives himself is incapable of being honest with anyone else.

I wish I could tell you that this new world you’ve come to is some sort of paradise, but honestly this life can be pretty hard. There is fear and pain and evil here, and things aren’t always fair. But son, there is also goodness and beauty and love in this world, and if you’ll watch for it, you’ll find it everywhere. God left His fingerprints on everything and if you’ll notice them, it will remind you that He’s always close by. Try not to keep score on how many good things or bad things happen in your life; be quick to forgive and to admit when you’re wrong, so that you can move past the hurtful things; and take time to enjoy and celebrate what is beautiful. Try to be the kind of person who builds up instead of tearing down, and who gives more than they’re looking to get. Always remember that the most miserable life you can live is one that is all about yourself.

As I held you today, my mind was filled with images of all the things that you might become; but honestly, I just want you to become whoever you were created to be. And the only one who can really get you there is the One who created you. Don’t worry when people tell you that believing in God is a crutch; the truth is that we all need something to lean on and if you look closely, you’ll see that everyone has some sort of crutch. The difference is that those other crutches don’t have the ability to bring peace or hope into your life. God means for us to lean on Him, which is why He only offers “daily bread”; because He wants us to come back every day. You see God is love and in the end that’s what it all boils down to; it is our deepest need, our strongest motivation, our greatest joy and ultimately what life is all about.

I guess it seems strange to be thinking about the end of your life on the day that it’s beginning, but if we understood from the start what will matter at the end, I think it would change how we lived in between. Don’t worry about what you don’t know; that’s what faith is for. Don’t worry about the ways that you will fall short; that’s what grace is for. Don’t worry what other people believe about you; just be careful what you choose to believe about yourself. Don’t get caught up in what this world calls success, because a man who is driven by the need for success is destined to be pursued by the fear of failure. Don’t let your heart be swayed by this world’s conception of beauty; the most beautiful face you’ll ever see is the one that looks back at you in love. Don’t be afraid to believe in what you can’t see or explain; it’s only the invisible things that really last and only the things that are bigger than we can comprehend that stir up our ability to hope.

I guess I can’t try to fit a whole lifetimes worth of advice into your first day. Now that I’ve written all of this down, I’m not really sure what to do with it. Maybe someday you’ll read it and more than heeding all of the advice, I hope you’ll have some greater understanding of how your arrival changed my life. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be called your father, but I also know that before I held you in my hands today, you were in the hands of “The Father” and long after I’m gone, He will still be your Father. I pray that nothing I ever do will distort your view of Him, because even if I fail you, He never will. I love you son, I’m so glad that you’re here. God sure did a great job when He made you. I hope you will one day understand the miracle that you are.

With All of My Love – Dad

* * The sentiments that I expressed in this letter are no less true for any of my other children (including my step-daughter), but you can only experience the” first time” once and so this writing simply centers on that moment.

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3D (Dads Don’t Dance)

Posted in Parenting / Family, Personal, Songs on February 15, 2010| Leave a Comment »

(more…)

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Made For Heaven

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Parenting / Family, Personal on February 13, 2010| Leave a Comment »

As my little boy walked in the door, I could tell by his expression that he wasn’t having a good day. I asked him what was wrong and he tried to say that it was nothing, but I knew that wasn’t true. I asked him to come to me and to tell me what was going on. Before he even reached me I could see that there were tears in his eyes and as he wrapped his arms around me, he let go of the emotion which had been piling up inside of him all day.

 

As he wept, I held him close, allowing him time to release those overwhelming feelings. Finally, I asked him what this was all about. He pulled his chin off my shoulder and looked me in the face.  His expression was full of pain and confusion as he asked, “Daddy, why do people have to be so mean; why do they have to tease, and be so hateful; why am I so different than everyone else, and why don’t I ever seem to fit in. I don’t feel like I belong here Daddy  Can we move someplace else; someplace where the people are nicer, someplace where I fit in!   Again, his emotions overwhelmed him, as he fell back into my embrace and wept bitterly. My heart broke for him, as I clearly recalled experiencing those same feelings.

 

As I held him, I began to rock him gently, praying that God would give me words of comfort for him. Slowly, this song rose out of my spirit and I sang it over him.

 

Peace, peace, little one

This is not your home

You were made for brighter days

And a Kingdom yet to come

 

Hope, hope, little man

Don’t fall into despair

God will go before you

And you’re always in His care

 

Run, run little feet

Run into the light

You were never meant for wrath

And you’re precious in His sight

 

Rest, rest, little soul

This life is just a dream

Like a shepherd, He will guide you

And bring you to the stream

 

Pray, pray, little son

Your Father hears your plea

He formed you with His very hands

And made you to be free

 

Shine, shine, little light

He’s freed you from the snare

He’s placed His robe upon you

And now He calls you” heir”

 

Sing, sing, little voice

Your strength is found in joy

Your Father loves when you believe

And trust Him like a boy

 

Love, love, little heart

It’s the only way to live

Don’t let fear hold you back

Give all you have to give

 

Burn, burn, little flame

The Spirit dwells in you

He yearns to be revealed

Making all things new

 

Rise, rise, little king

The war’s already won

You will have some battles

But victory when they’re done

 

Peace, peace, little one

This is not your home

You were made for brighter days

And a Kingdom yet to come

 

As I sang, I could feel a calm settle over him and I thought he might actually be falling asleep; but after a few moments of silence, he once again pulled his head from my shoulder and looked at me.

 

“So you’re saying that the reason I don’t fit in here is because this isn’t really my home?” he asked.

 

“That’s right”, I replied. “You were made for heaven!”

 

He smiled and said, “So I’m like an alien in this world?”

 

“Yup” I replied. “You’re really just an ambassador, visiting this planet to let people know about the great place that you come from. You were never really meant to feel at home here.”

 

His face seemed to brighten at that idea, as he said, “cool”.

 

He slide off my lap and began to walk away, when he suddenly turned back, with a thoughtful look on his face. “You know what Dad” he asked.

 

“What son” I replied.

 

“I can’t wait to get home”, he said.

 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I replied, “Me too son, me too.”

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10 Thoughts for My Future Son and/or Daughter In-Laws

Posted in Heart of "The Father", Lists, Parenting / Family, Personal on February 13, 2010| Leave a Comment »

 

As a father of four (two sons and two daughters), it seems inevitable that I will one day occupy the position of “father-in-law” in somebody’s life.  Though that may still be some years away (I hope!), I’ve been watching my peers go through this process and I’ve noticed how often fiancé’s talk about wanting to have a great relationship with their future in-laws.  Since I’m confident that I won’t be included in the selection process, I thought it might be helpful to make a list for these future family members.  After all, I want to have a great relationship with them too!

1.      This marriage is going to cost you!  I sincerely hope that you’ve decided that my child is Mr. or Mrs. Right, that you guys were meant to be together, that you have great chemistry…etc, but even if all of that is true, you need to understand that sharing your life with someone will always involve sacrifice.  If that isn’t what you’re signing up for, I’d recommend reconsidering your position.

2.      I have x-ray vision & I plan on using it.  I’m sure that you’re going to make a big effort to make a good impression when we meet and I appreciate that; but I can promise you that my biggest concern will be with what’s in your heart.  If I sense the kind of love that I have for my child in your heart, I feel certain that we’ll get along just fine.

3.      Get ready to be disappointed.  I hope that your courtship has been like a great fairytale romance and that your wedding will be a kind of coronation of that great love; but truthfully, day to day life is rarely like that.  There will undoubtedly be struggles and disappointments along the way and how you handle those things together will ultimately define your marriage.  I have found that if your love is genuine, the struggles will only make that bond stronger.

4.      I cannot be an unbiased, casual observer.  In these days of political correctness it is tempting to claim that I will be a completely unbiased, casual observer, in your relationship with my son or daughter, but for me that would be a lie.  While I do understand that your life will be your own and that I need to respect the boundaries you establish, I don’t have it within me to be casual or unbiased in my feelings for my children.  That does not mean that I will be against you or that I will be unwilling to find fault in your spouse.  It is my hope that my feelings will eventually become just as biased for you.

5.      Remember where the hole was.  There is a void within our hearts that can only be filled by someone who genuinely cares for us; but the danger in long term relationships is that over time we can forget what life was like before that hole was filled.  One of the most common terminal illnesses’ that strikes in relationships is when people begin to take each other for granted.  Though I hope that your life together will bring about a sense of inner wholeness, I also pray that you will never forget where the hole used to be.

6.      Don’t marry my child for what you hope they will bring to your life.  Though I would hope that marrying one of my children will bring great things to your life, I pray that this would not be your sole motivation for the marriage.  The love that I have for my kids compels me to hope for someone who wants to bring something to their lives.  If you’re simply looking for someone to make you feel loved and to be there for you, I’d recommend buying a cat.  It’s cheaper, it’s easier and you can even have them de-clawed.

7.      Honesty is still the best policy.  If you really want a relationship that lasts, forget just about everything that you’ve ever seen on television or in movies about how to handle relationships.  It’s not supposed to be a battle, or a power struggle, or a game, or filled with intrigue and manipulation.  Just be honest from the beginning.  That not only goes for your marriage, it will also help tremendously with you and me.

8.      The easiest way to gain treasure is to treasure what you have.   If you treat something valuable as though it is old junk it will eventually become old junk.  Relationships work the same way.  Contrary to popular mythology, it is not often the younger, more physically attractive person that steals a spouse; it is generally the one who makes them feel more valued.

9.      Put all your eggs in one basket.  Once you’ve decided on your life’s mate, I suggest that you change your view of every other member of the opposite sex.  Begin to view every older person like a parent, every peer like a sibling and every younger person like one of your children.  Reserve every bit of your romantic and sexual energy (including your thoughts) for your mate.  If you do this, you’ll be amazed at how passionate your marriage will stay.

10.  God has a destiny for my child.  It is my personal belief that God created each of my children with a destiny and in the time they’ve been with me, it’s been my mission to help them in finding it.  If you will take that on as your mission, you will always have my support.

Note – The fact that this document contains no mention of grandchildren should not be misinterpreted. 

Some things go without saying.  If you don’t know my feelings about children, we’ve clearly never met.

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10 Keys To A Better Marriage

Posted in Lists, Parenting / Family on February 13, 2010| Leave a Comment »

            The danger in writing a piece like this is that people will begin to examine your marriage in an attempt to validate or invalidate your premise.  Obviously I’d hope that an examination of my marriage would only serve to reaffirm these things, but regardless of whether it does, I believe that these principles are sound.  As a man who’s experienced a marriage that was totally in-step with the cultural philosophies of the day and who is now endeavoring to have a marriage based solely on the biblical model, I can testify that the contrast is dramatic.  I believe that there are few things in life which are more telling about a person then how they relate to their spouse.

1.      Make a covenant with your eyes:  Job said that he’d made a covenant with his eyes, so as to not look upon a woman with lust and I believe that we need to do much the same.  Our culture encourages us to view every person as a sexual being and even as a potential sexual partner; but such thoughts are the door way to the rampant sexuality (e.g. teen pregnancy, marital infidelity, pornography, perversion…) that pervades our society.  As a Christian person all of our sexual desires (e.g. feelings, thoughts, actions…) need to be focused on our spouse.  As a Christian man, I need to view every woman who is not my spouse as either, a mother, a sister or a daughter; and as such never allow myself to view them in a sexual way.  In doing so, I can have a loving relationship with them and not be in danger of falling into sin. 

2.      We were meant to complete, not compete:  In the book of Genesis we see that God created Eve in response to what He saw missing in Adam and that He used something from inside of Adam to create Eve.  I believe that this is a beautiful picture of Gods intent for marriage.  He has created us for oneness in marriage; to be a help and an encouragement to each other; and so that our differences would make us a more complete team.  Unfortunately our culture has perpetuated the idea that there is a natural competition (or battle) between men and women that cannot be avoided.  As Christians we need to derive our identities and our model for relationships from the Bible and not from the culture.  There is far too much teaching about marriage and relationships within the church that is steeped in Psychology (which simply identifies the way we’ve been), rather than the Word of God (which tells us who we were made to be).

3.      Don’t try to be your spouses’ conscience:  Only God can change a heart and only the Holy Spirit can bring about true “conviction”.  Our attempts to play this role in the life of our spouse only serves to inhibit the work that God desires to do.  If you know that your spouse is in need of a change, appeal to the only One who can bring that change about, and while you’re at it, pray that He will manifest patience and gentleness in you until that change comes to pass.

4.      Remember the picture of Jesus with a towel around his waist:  In the three years that Jesus and the Apostles were together, they became a family and undoubtedly Jesus was the leader of that family.  Before He went to the cross for them, He left them (and us) a beautiful picture of what spiritual leadership looks like, when He washed their feet.  If we intend on leading our families in a way that is pleasing to God, we must also learn to assume the position of humility and to serve.  In Jesus’ day many rejected Him as the Messiah because His image did not project the grandeur of a King; many of us have rejected Jesus’ example of spiritual leadership for the same reason.

5.      Remember that you will answer to your Father-In-Law:  While I understand that God is my Father, I have found that in marriage it is helpful to remember that He is my wife’s Father as well; and that He sees and hears everything that I say, do and think.  At any given moment I need to ask myself, “I wonder what her Daddy thinks about what I’m saying or thinking or doing”.  If the presence of her Father would alter my behavior, then I’m probably some place that I shouldn’t be.  As Christians we need to recognize that one day we will stand before our spouses’ Heavenly Father and give an accounting of how we treated them.  If that thought scares you, don’t worry – it was meant to.

6.      Don’t invite the Devil to live in your spare bedroom:  While this may sound a little strange, we unconsciously do this when we resort to manipulation, intimidation and/or domination in our relationships.  All of these tactics are celebrated in our culture and each one draws on the power of deception and fear.  Regardless of our intent, reverting to these methods empowers the enemy of our souls and gives him authority in our relationships and in our homes.  When we take what we know about our spouse (or anyone else) and use it against them, we invite our enemy to be Lord over that relationship.

7.      Don’t confuse love and bodily functions:  In an era of unparalleled sexual promiscuity, the church ought to be an oasis for sexual purity; unfortunately, like so many other things, the church continues to take its cues about sexuality from the world.  In many cases the subject is never spoken of, giving Christians little counterpoint to the teaching of the world.  Sadly, what little teaching is done on the subject is generally polluted with worldly and ungodly ideas.  I have heard well meaning Christians teach a spectrum of ideas; from things like, “we should be our spouse’s fantasy” to “we need to do our marital duty”.  As we look at Gods word, we can’t find these ideas substantiated.  The Bible portrays two people becoming one in an expression of unity, commitment and love; it perpetuates the idea of sacrificing ones individuality to become a part of a greater whole and it is an act that is meant to be experienced not only in our bodies, but in our souls and spirits.  In our culture, we’ve reduced this act to a bodily function and in doing so, we’ve made it totally unfulfilling.  If your spouse is having sexual fantasies, the last thing you want to do is to re-enforce them.  They need to quit imagining and to start expressing their passion for you.  If they don’t have any passion for you, they need to ask God for help, because He has passion for you.  In the same way, “doing your marital duty” will not suffice.  Every human being (man or woman) yearns to feel significant and valuable.  Doing your workmanlike duty in the bedroom will not fulfill that need, in fact it will have quite the opposite effect.  My experience with those who fall into infidelity is not that they’re necessarily after someone who is younger, more attractive or more successful; but that they want someone who makes them feel valuable and desired.  We as Christians need to come to a new understanding of the intimacy that God has called us to and to begin to experience the fullness that He created for us.

8.      Remember when you said, “Love, Honor & Cherish”:  These three words are included in the vows of most weddings, just as the biblical definition of love is (i.e. love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-seeking…) and yet we rarely witness these things in most marriages.  It seems that in a time where everything is viewed as being relative, we’ve come to see our vows as being relative too.  In the excitement of the moment we said all those things, but now we’re not all that excited; maybe we’re even disappointed, so we feel like that excuses us.  Of course as Christians, we know that the truth is not relative and that God expects us to live up to our end of a covenant, even when others fail to live up to theirs.  While it is rare to see the kind of love described in the Bible manifest in most marriages; it is even rarer still to see spouses’ honoring and cherishing each other.  As Christians we need to seek to live these words out.  If we’re struggling, we need to ask God to give us His heart for our spouse, because He loves, honors and cherishes them.

9.      Throw away your scorecard:  The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong doing and that the measure that we use with others is the measure that will be used with us.  We need to quit keeping score with the people that we say that we love, and begin to give our best; regardless of whether it is recognized, appreciated or reciprocated.

10.  Nobody can make you happy:  We must understand that no matter how much we love someone or how much they love us, they cannot “make us happy”.  They can be a conduit for good things in our lives, but ultimately our happiness is dependent on how we choose to view and respond to life.  God did not design us so that our well being would hinge on the imperfect love of another human being; He invested himself in us, so that we would find our identity, fulfillment and security in Him.  We cannot use our spouse as the scapegoat for our unhappiness; only our Creator can fill the place in our hearts that He created for Himself.  It is ultimately the mission of every Christian spouse to help their mate find that place in God.

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