Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

It’s official – I’m an alien! Though I appreciate all of the love my earthly family has shown me over the years, it’s become apparent that I was most likely pulled from the wreckage of some wayward space craft. I clearly remember being teased in grade school about my unusually large head, and the prominent ears probably should have tipped me off too. I used to think that I was a pretty average guy, but now I see that I’m not of this world. I’ve tried to adapt to my surroundings, but increasingly this atmosphere is becoming toxic to my system. It’s obvious that this planet has very different ideas about what is acceptable, entertaining, inspiring, virtuous, funny, heroic, liberating, and fulfilling. While I understand that calling anything “wrong” gets you labeled as a “hater”, it all seems counterintuitive anymore. I realize that I will one day return to the world from which I came, and until then, I’ll try to be a good ambassador. After all, there may be some people down here who want to see that world too. I’ll do my best with whatever time I have left: but if I’m honest, I can’t wait to go home.

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There are a lot of philosophies out there about the best way to raise children, but I’ve noticed that the fruit of many of them isn’t particularly worthwhile.  In that vein, I offer the following bit of satire. 




I tried to give them all the things I never had

And now they feel entitled to everything they want


Anytime they were hungry, we’d run through the drive thru

And now they can’t seem to endure anything that’s not fast and easy


Whenever we went to the store, I’d get them a little something

And now they struggle with spending money that they don’t have


When they played sports, I made sure that everyone got the same trophy

And now they expect the same pay as the people who actually show up to work


I taught them that every person gets to decide what they accept as “the truth”

And now the only thing they seem to believe in is themselves


Every time they had a bad coach or teammate, I pulled them off the team

And now they refuse to work for or with anyone they don’t like


Anytime they struggled in a class, I’d storm the doors of the principal’s office

And now they blame everyone else for their problems


I taught them that freedom was their unalienable right

And now they feel like nobody can say anything when they’re wrong


I made sure that they didn’t have to work like I did

And now they’re not willing to work like they need to


I did everything for them

And now I’m raising their kids


I gave them every advantage

And I can’t understand how they turned out this way


I wonder what’s going to happen if I ever need their help

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I can profess that You are the way

Yet believe that there are many ways


I can profess that You are the truth

Yet believe that every man defines truth for himself


I can say that I am created in Your image

Yet also believe that I evolved from an ape


I can think of the Bible as Your word

Yet disregard the parts that no longer seem applicable


I can consider myself Your friend

Yet maintain my close friendship with the world


I can claim that You died for me

Yet never die to myself


I can think of you as my Savior

Yet never bow to You as my Lord


I can wear Your cross on a chain around my neck

Yet remain unwilling to take up a cross of my own


After all

God is love

This is a new millennium


I am a Post Modern Christian

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Want you to know that I don’t blame you

You just wanted “the best” for me

You sacrificed so much to make me a winner

You deserved better


If I just could’ve stood a little straighter

If my hair wasn’t so stringy


All those cute little outfits

To you, sexy just meant playful

But playful meant something different to them

Anything you serve like an hors d’oeurve is bound to be devoured


If only I had been a better singer

If I just had fuller lips


I tried to smile for the camera

It’s what happened when the camera was off that made it hard

Thank God for makeup

The bruises & scars never showed


Maybe if I had been smarter

If I wasn’t so clumsy


You always said there was a price to pay

And I’ve tried hard to “live the dream”

Guess I must not have wanted it bad enough

You deserved better


If only I had been taller

If I wasn’t so flat-chested


Always in the court, but never the Queen

At nineteen, it’s already too late for me

The “1st Alternate” to the winner is still just a loser

Who could want me now?


If only I could have lost more weight

If my eyes weren’t so close together


I’m sorry for letting you down

For leaving the stage before the show is really over

I’m sorry about all of this blood on the floor

But as it weeps from my wrists, I feel strangely free


If only I could have been a daughter you could be proud of

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It’s all very subtle isn’t it?

It seems more civilized that way

None of that messy confrontation

No harsh words

Nothing in writing

Everything between the lines

Like chasing a shadow

It makes them wonder if they’re losing their minds


It’s a little snare here & there

It’s a consideration withheld

Or maybe just a tone of voice

It’s the smallest thing you can get under their skin

It’s pretending not to know

And a willingness to use what you do know


It’s mental chess

And you get to be the pawn

It’s the most effective way to fight

It’s corrosion instead of attack

War is so much more destructive when it doesn’t make a sound

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We don’t really believe in good guys or bad guys anymore

For us there are only winners and losers


We rely on coffee & energy drinks to make it through the day

Yet we can’t sleep at night without a sedative


We pride ourselves on being tolerant

Yet we can’t stand being around anyone who disagrees with us


We struggle with how to keep up with the mortgage

Yet we can’t fathom life without a big screened TV


We refuse to let anyone tell us how to live

Yet we are unwilling to accept responsibility for our condition


Our hearts go out to starving children who are half a world away

Yet we struggle to notice the kids suffering from neglect on our own street


We don’t really buy into the idea of right and wrong

Yet we cry out against what we consider to be injustice


We worry about the effect of toxins on the environment

Yet we pump poison into our bodies without regard


We ridicule what previous generations have held sacred

Yet we’re depressed by the meaningless of our existence


We keep our cars detailed and our lawns manicured

But we struggle to find time to nurture our children


We’ve become oddly naive in our view of current events

Yet we’re too cynical to be optimistic about the future


We’ve given ourselves over to every sensual pleasure

Yet we’ve reduced love to little more than a reaction to boredom & bodily functions


We’ve squandered our inheritance at the buffet table

Yet we find ourselves terminally unsatisfied


We all still believe in the red, white and blue

But we can’t seem to agree on what it stands for anymore


And in the end

What no power in this world could inflict upon us,

we have brought upon ourselves

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Hollow Mansion

Too many times the price of “having it all”, is everything that really matters.

My eyes flick open to the dim light of the pre-dawn morning

and my head throbs with the dull ache of the night before

There is a beautiful woman lying beside me

but I find myself straining to remember her name

When she wakes, I’ll have to pretend that last night meant something to me

but for now, I couldn’t be more alone


As I stare at the ornate ceiling of this massive room

I can see all the cracks along its edges

 They not only speak of the sandy soil on which this estate was forged

they testify to the weak foundation of this new life that I have built

While everyone else’s eyes are naturally drawn to the beautiful gold trim

all I can see is the fractured façade

 While they all seem to notice the extravagant furnishings in each room

I find myself focusing on the vast empty space created by every high ceiling


These thoughts take me back to the water stained ceiling of my childhood bedroom

and I find myself wondering whatever became of that little boy

I also remember lying awake in a little trailer, many years ago

wondering how I was going to support my young bride & our new baby

Back then, paying the bills was my greatest struggle

but now that those bills are more than covered, I’m struggling with the price that was paid


I’d trade everything I’ve gained to erase the hurt and confusion in my children’s faces

as I pulled our family apart on the way to making my own dreams come true

I’d give it all back for the woman who loved me

when I had nothing to offer other than a desire to share her life

I’d gladly forfeit the drafty halls of this hollow mansion

for the warmth of the place that I used to call home

I’ve finally figured out that its better to have one person who loves you for who you really are

than to have ten thousand who love the person they imagine you to be


Unfortunately, by the time I came to understand this, it was too late

As the raging waters of my desire had already swept away any moorings for a bridge back

So as the first rays of the sun begin to creep across the windows

I swallow a couple of painkillers to prepare for the day that lies ahead

And as the beautiful stranger lying next to me stirs from her sleep

I push my face into a smile and utter, “Good morning darling”

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“Warning – the following story is satirical and not meant to be viewed literally.  The writer’s intention was simply to expose the absurd lengths to which ‘tolerance’ and ‘political correctness’ can be taken.”

            Back in the 1960’s, when I was studying Journalism at U of C, in Berkley; I learned that the success of a story isn’t so much about how well it is written, but about how much people want to read it.  To that end, I’ve made a career of picking intriguing and often controversial subjects to write about.  While many have disagreed with the things I’ve written, they’ve never ignored them and as a writer that is very gratifying.  When this assignment presented itself, even I had to think about it for a minute; but it was a short minute.  What journalist worth his salt wouldn’t want to sit down for a few minutes with arguably the most prominent figure in the earth’s history?  With assurances from both sides that everything would be handled with professionalism and respect, I embarked on this remarkable assignment.

Reporter:  Sir, I know we only have a few minutes, but I must say that I’m humbled to actually speak to you in person.

Lucifer:  Please call me Lucifer and the pleasure is all mine.  I’ve long admired your work.

R: I guess before we start I have to admit that I’ve been really surprised by this whole thing.  Did you ever think that you’d be doing an interview like this?

L:  Well, as recently as fifty years ago I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but things have really changed in that period; there is such an openness now that didn’t exist in this country before.  I think that is what made this possible.

R:  Absolutely, we’ve really come a long way.  I’m hoping that people who read this interview will just come with an open mind.

L:  That’s all I’m after too.  I’m not one of those my way or the highway kind of guys, I think that everyone has to draw their own conclusions.  I’m just about being open to new things, new ways of thinking, not just accepting everything that you’ve been taught.  Unless we open our minds, we’ll never find new truths and we’ll never progress.  That’s what these last fifty years have been about, “progress”.

R:  It has been an amazing time.  As someone who’s observed a lot of history, what do you think has really made the difference in this last half century?

L:  I guess I’d have to say “freedom”.  You know a lot of the things that I’ve said and done over time have been misrepresented; I’ve always been about personal freedom.  I think that the rise of democracy in America and its eventual spread around the world have really ushered in a time of unprecedented freedom.  In this current era, we’re progressing from a time of national freedom, to a time of personal freedom.  Despite what my opposition has portrayed, that is all I ever wanted.

R:  Would you consider yourself a patriot?

L:  Absolutely!

R:  As a person who shares your passion for personal freedom, I guess I find it hard to understand why everyone wouldn’t be for that?

L:  I’m sure you’d get a variety of answers to that question, but if we’re really honest with ourselves no one wants to live in a cage.  Those who’ve traditionally opposed me have always wanted to throw up boundaries and I’m just against that. 

R:  What do you think that they hope to gain by putting all these boundaries in place?

L:  Control.  I mean honestly, what else could it be?  It’s all about one group trying to inflict their will on another; it is so base and animal like.

R:  On a personal level I’m right there with you, but how would you answer your critics who claim that there are absolute truths and standards that must be adhered to?

L:  I’ve got no problem with them adhering to those truths and standards, I’m just saying don’t inflict them on me or on my kids.  They certainly have a right to set those standards for themselves, but freedom dictates that every man should be able to decide for themselves.

R:  Well, I promised myself that I was going to steer clear of the whole religion issue, so maybe we ought to move on to something else.

L:  Well that’s fine, but for the record I’m not opposed to religion, even though much of it is opposed to me.  I believe that’s part of the freedom that every man has; I’d even go so far as to say that I’d love to see a whole lot more religions come to pass.  I think that there ought to be religions for every different type of belief system that’s out there.  I’m for people being passionate about what they believe.

R:  That’s really great and so opposed to how you’ve been portrayed by your adversaries.

L:  Well, as I mentioned before, I’ve been greatly misrepresented.

R:  That seems like a good segue way into the next part of my interview.  In journalism we often like to ask some kind of random questions, to give the people a greater sense of the person; you know your interests, your likes, your dislikes…  I can already see that you’re much different from the way you’ve been portrayed and I want to try to convey that to the people.

L:  Sounds good, shoot.

R:  What would you consider to be one of your hobbies?

L:  Music.

R:  Really, I wrote for Rolling Stone magazine for many years.  What kind of music do you like?

L:  All kinds really, though I must admit that I’m very partial to the oldies.

R:  Really, listening to your critics I would have thought Heavy Metal of Rap would be your thing.

L:  Don’t get me wrong, I certainly enjoy those too, but there’s nothing like those old songs to take you back.  There’s just something about them that goes right to the soul.

R:  Would you consider yourself to be sentimental?

L:  Definitely.

R:  How about television shows?

L:  I tend to like sitcoms, reality shows and every once in a while the Shopping Channel.

R:  Really, I think the stereotype of you has been more toward the heavier forms of entertainment.

L:  Well, like with the music, I have an appreciation for all of it; but I think that it’s good to laugh at ourselves and maybe a little at each other too; so the sitcoms are good for that.  I think reality TV has helped everyone to see that we’re all just people, with our little character flaws and our struggles.  I believe it has helped people to feel less guilty about just being human; and what can you say about the Shopping Channel: I mean sometimes you just got to have it.

R:  Again I find myself agreeing with you, but how do you respond to the critics who say that the entertainment industry is immoral and isn’t upholding good family values?

L:  Well, I guess I’d have to ask, whose family, whose morals and whose values are we talking about.  To me, if these programs didn’t represent someone’s values, then no one would watch them and they’d go off the air.  The fact that people love these programs tells me that they are representative of their values.  I think what you have is a very small group of people who want to control what everyone else is watching.

R:  Well I can see that our prescribed time is about up, is there any thought that you’d like to leave with our readers?

L:  Well, I hope that this bit of time that we’ve shared helps open people up to some new truths.  There are a lot of myths that have followed me through time and I certainly don’t have the time to try to dispel every one of them.  I just hope that as time goes on, the people of this country will continue to teardown those last vestiges of intolerance remaining from our early history and that democracy will now do for personal freedom, what it did for national freedom.

R:  Thank so much for your time Sir.

L:  You’re welcome and please call me Lucifer.

            As a reporter, all I can do is report what I saw and heard; or maybe in this case what I didn’t see or hear.  What I didn’t see was horns, a tail or a pitchfork; what I did see was a very open minded, rational being.  What I didn’t hear was the vehement, intolerant rhetoric of his critics, but instead the pleas of someone who passionately believes in tolerance and personal freedom for all men.  While I only spent a few minutes with him, it is hard not to find the man and his arguments compelling.  I believe that if anyone will just come with an open mind, he’ll make a lot of sense to them.  I believe his philosophy could be the vision for this country’s future.

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