Like most kids who grew up in the 1960’s and 70’s, my parents had home movies they’d occasionally pull out and show on a big projector screen. One that particularly sticks out in my mind is of my brothers and I playing on the street in front of my grandmother’s house in Brooklyn. It was a cold, dreary looking day, and we were all in our winter coats, but we were running around with the sort of abandon that only young children seem to possess.
I believe that I was about 5 yrs old in the film, which would make my brothers 6 yrs and 7 yrs old. In particular it was my brother Tom (the oldest sibling) who stood out. His big eyes and childlike manner in these movies were such a sharp contrast to the serious and pragmatic fellow he would eventually become. These old reels were some of the only evidence that he’d not really started out that way.
Life has a way of pushing back against innocence and cultivating cynicism. And for little boys, wide eyed compassion and sensitivity aren’t generally a sustainable course. Very quickly it becomes clear that having such emotions or at least allowing folks to know that you have them, is a precarious path to take. Early on, it becomes a matter of survival to learn how to hide your vulnerabilities and to always come from a position of strength. For many young men that manifests in a form of aggressiveness that is generally accepted for young males. For my brother Tom, it manifested in the form of intellect.
My brother had a brilliant mind and was usually one of the smartest guys in the room. He also had the ability to express himself, which made his intelligence harder to ignore. Because my father was in the Air Force, we changed schools constantly, but wherever we’d go my brother would quickly be viewed as the smartest kid in the class. As the sensitive nurturing elements of his personality receded into dormancy, the power of his mind emerged. He wasn’t just smart, he was a born leader, and soon that was all you could see.
As a younger brother, who had no desire to be led by someone I thought of as a peer, I just viewed him as overbearing and bossy. By the time we got to high school, his identity as the smart kid was already set in stone, and he further solidified it by dating the smartest girl in school. In those days, if you had asked anyone who knew my brother to describe him with three adjectives, his intelligence would have been referenced with the first word.
Forty-five years later, as I sat through the various memorial services celebrating my brother’s (too short) life, I suddenly recalled those scenes of us frolicking on the street as kids, and I realized that not one person had made a singular reference to his intelligence. Indeed, there was barely any mention of the impressive work he had done at Ball Aerospace (e.g., the Hubble Telescope, the Mars Rover), or any of his other accomplishments.
As the montage of pictures scrolled across the screen, they were mostly scenes of Tom with his grandchildren, or his god children, or dear friends, or with his beloved wife. In many of them he was dressed funny and clearly goofing around with that same sort of abandon that we’d had as children.
When people eulogized him, it was his warmth, compassion, faith, and wisdom they spoke of. And I found myself wondering how this transformation had occurred. What was it that allowed my brother’s true heart to re-emerge over all these years.
The short and simple answer is that the God who gave Him that heart, also worked throughout his life to preserve it. But at the center of God’s plan was Tom’s beloved wife Fawn.
By the time they’d met in high school, Tom had developed a pretty sharp edge to his personality, yet around her, he was like Jello. He was crazy about her from day one, and she was not the type of person to use that as leverage against him. If there were ever two people who seemed destined for each other, it was these two, and absolutely no one was surprised that they married and spent a lifetime together.
Looking back, I realize that because Fawn loved my brother for who he was, she made it safe for the nurturing, loving, playful part of his heart to re-emerge. Because she routinely engaged that part of his being, it regained strength and eventually became the hallmark of his legacy. Though it sounds cliche, she brought out the best in him. And to his credit, I believe that he did that for her as well.
As I pondered all this, I couldn’t help but think that this is exactly what God had in mind for marriage. That these unions were meant to amount to more than just the sum of the parts. That both partners would help each other become the people they were created to be.
If Tom had chosen to spend his life with someone who only related to him on an intellectual level, he may well have become a stoic recluse. Thankfully, he found a loving soul, who was full of spirit, and every bit his intellectual equal. She loved his heart and nurtured it throughout their years together.
In my brother’s final days, the room was filled with people who loved him and whose lives had been touched by his. And right by his side was his beloved partner Fawn. Though we could wish for more days, it would be hard to imagine a better way to finish the race.
He who finds a wife of worth, receives the favor of the Lord (Prov.18:22)
A wife of noble character is worth far more than rubies (Prov.31:10)
Bjcorbin's Blog 
Fitting In
June 13, 2025 by bjcorbin
Throughout my lifetime I have heard countless people attest to the fact that they feel as though they “never really fit it,” which is a sentiment that is generally greeted with a hearty chorus of amens. Even folks who seem to be popular and successful often profess to battling such feelings. Indeed, in all my years I’ve never encountered even one person claim the converse of this condition (i.e., I feel like I always “fit in”).
I’ve heard Psychologists assert that most people wrestle with the subconscious fear that, “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me,” and I sense that is probably truer than any of us would like to admit. There does seem to be a very human tendency to conceal and safeguard the inner most part of our being for fear of being rejected. Though some experience traumatic levels of rejection at a very young age, this apprehension seems to be prevalent even in those who haven’t.
Anxiety about other people truly knowing us tends to manifest itself as insecurity, which then becomes a breeding ground for covetous, competition, envy, manipulation, and strife. Needless to say, all of those dynamics are highly destructive in terms of our relationship to others, which greatly impedes our ability to function as a family, a community or as a body of believers. Given Jesus’ description of how people would be able to distinguish His followers (i.e., by their strong, loving relationships -John 13:35), this would seem to be a significant issue for those who are called by His name.
In praying about the root of this problem, I sense that it goes all the way back to the first man, and his decision in the garden. When Adam and Eve were walking in undeterred fellowship with the Father, they were aware of their nakedness, but they were unashamed (Gen.2:25). Yet immediately after eating the fruit, it says that their nakedness became a source of humiliation (Gen.3:7), and they felt the need to cover themselves.
Though the scripture doesn’t really describe these coverings, I sensed the Spirit clarify that they didn’t feel the need to cover their face, or hands, or legs… It was only the parts of them that looked different from each other that they felt compelled to conceal.
Prior to eating the” fruit of the knowledge of good and evil,” they viewed each other through the lens of the Father’s love, and were unashamed of their differences, but after the fall, they viewed each other through the context of their own senses, and were embarrassed by the things that made them unique.
Thus, mankind became mired in an endless cycle of comparison, covetousness, and competition, which turns out to be the antithesis of unity. This pattern became lethal within the first generation, as jealousy compelled Cain to murder his brother (Gen.4:8).
Considering that our Creator saw fit to make each one of His children a unique expression of Himself (Gen.1:27), and that Paul would later describe the Body of Christ as the coming together of all these distinctive aspects (1Cor.12:1-26), our apprehension at being vulnerable and genuine with one another is no doubt at the heart of our ineffectiveness in manifesting the body that the Lord described.
Our concept of “fitting in” seems to be predicated on the idea that we will be just like everyone else. So we tend to dress like the proverbial “them”, speak like them, and act like them, in the vain hope that we will find acceptance. But no two pieces of a puzzle are exactly alike, and if they were, a clear picture would not emerge at the end. I would suggest that we were not created to “fit in,” we were designed to “fit together”.
Yet, even if we come to recognize the power in diversity that potential can only be realized when each member of the group is willing to yield to the unique aspects of the others. The whole cannot partake of its rich variety of parts, if a singular element or elite grouping is allowed to dominate at the expense of the others.
Indeed, a clarinet was never meant to sound like a flute, and you actually need both to play the symphony as it was originally written. But you’re not likely to hear either of them if the brass continues to play beyond their prescribed stanzas.
Church models that promote some to be soloists, while making the remainder accompanists (or even worse, simply an audience) virtually ensure that we will never truly function as the body described in scripture (1Cor.12:12-20). Much of the new Apostolic movement has fallen into this trap, as they seek to elevate the position of a few, when the five-fold gifts were actually intended to cultivate the gifts of the many (Eph.4:12-13). Effective “Five-fold” ministry is when every member’s gift finds its place at the table (and every instrument is given its rightful place within the concerto).
Sadly, these mindsets (e.g., I never fit it, if you really knew me you wouldn’t love me…) have become strongholds within the body, and drive most people to willingly forfeit their seat within the orchestra. They will happily sit in the audience if it means that no one will ever truly see what is inside of them. And they will freely gather around someone else’s gifts, while their gifts go dormant.
There is little doubt that the enemy of our souls loves to stir our sense of alienation, so that we will willingly isolate ourselves from the group. It is a classic predator tactic. These feelings of estrangement are often at the emotional core of those who pursue and assume a completely new identity in the hope of finding a suitable new tribe (i.e., the place where they fit in).
Of course, the cost of pursuing a new identity is the identity that they were endowed with by their Creator, which tends to relentlessly haunt them in moments of quiet reflection. They suppose that no one can accept them for who they really are, when it is actually their innermost being that is rejecting this contrived facade.
If this compulsion to “fit in” and be like everyone else is a byproduct of mankind’s fall, then the antidote surely lies in returning to God’s original plan, which is to view ourselves and each other through the lens of the Father’s love (Psalm 139:14, John 13:34). Until we learn how to walk together in unity, by considering others before ourselves (Phil.2:3-4) and submitting to one another in love (Eph.5:21), we will not be able to experience the fullness the Lord authored for His Body (1Cor.12:12-20).
If we continue to fall into the snare of the compare-covet-compete dynamic, we will remain a house divided (Mark 3:25) and never step into the fulness that has been authored for us. For this, and so many other issues, the renewing of our minds (Rom.12:2) is at the heart of the “revival” we cry out for.
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